Aftercare-More than an Afterthought

I once read something along the lines of, “Aftercare isn’t just for kinksters. If you can’t make sure your partner feels good, take the time to see where you can improve and ask them if they were okay with everything that happened, you’re just a bad partner, kinky or not.” Unfortunately, in the vanilla world, this is often the case. I for one didn’t know what aftercare was until entering the world of kink. I’m sure that’s true for many.

Often, when talking about aftercare, we think of it happening directly after sex or a BDSM scene, but occasionally the care that’s needed is required at a later date. Each person and scene will be different and therefore so will be the appropriate type of care. Somedays your partner will only require a hug and other days that hug will be the last thing they want. It’s paramount to have discussions around aftercare in your negotiations. Some Tops thoroughly enjoy performing aftercare, and some bottoms despise being touched out of scene. Make sure you know your partner’s needs and what they hope to get from it.

Why is aftercare so important?

When we have sex or partake in a particularly intense scene, we experience an increase in dopamine and that makes us feel good. It sends signals to the brain that say, “this is nice, I like it, it makes me happy”. Those levels increase up to a few hours post-coitus, creating that after-glow that so many are fond of. When the brain’s pleasure center is no longer being stimulated (we can’t be in scene all the time), dopamine levels rapidly decrease. If levels get too low, or lower than what is regular for YOU, we feel “down in the dumps”. This is known as sub drop (although Dom’s can experience it as well).

Aftercare is a way to increase dopamine levels, but also to reassure your partner(s) that the emotions they feel are completely normal and that it’s okay to feel that way. Of course, we don’t want the people we care about to feel low, so we do what we can to make them feel better. If we think of aftercare as simply caring for others, we can see it in a new way.

Aftercare also allows both partners the opportunity to have discussions, keeping the lines of communication open, and reinforces the bond. As trust is the main pillar of BDSM, aftercare can fortify the dynamic, allowing for the pushing of limits and increasing our desire to please. When you take the time to care for your partner(s), you are showing them that they are valuable and that you respect them. A little in this category can go a long way.

What does Aftercare look like?

If you’re in a committed dynamic, it can be talking, snuggling, being told you’re valuable, good, etc., or simply sitting in silence and eating a favourite treat beside your partner. Maybe it’s a massage of sore joints after rope play or applying balm to a caned backside. It is discussions and sometimes, it’s tears.

For those who are unattached or have casual partners, aftercare is no less important. This is especially true for those who live alone, or in isolated areas. While some forms of aftercare can’t be completed from a distance, a phone call the next day or two and sometimes more days later can be the most beneficial thing. Make sure to ask how the other is doing, if they require anything, or if they have/had any issues. Letting them know they are not alone in their thoughts can help lessen the severity and period of feelings of inadequacy and remorse.

No matter what type of dynamic you partake in, aftercare is always making sure both parties are in good spirits and haven’t suffered any adverse effects. Some people choose not to receive aftercare, and that is their right and privilege, but those lines of communication should always remain open.

Is Aftercare only for Bottoms?

Often, it is the bottom or submissive that requires aftercare, solely because they are usually the ones who experience the intensity of a scene. That isn’t to say that Tops don’t need aftercare as well. If a Dom is asked to perform something new to them or outside of their comfort level, they too can have feelings of guilt and think they are horrible for performing said task. It is a bottoms job to make sure a Top is also receiving the care they need. This could be as simple as letting them know we’ve enjoyed what they did, or that we value the sacrifice they made to give us what we need. We can’t serve someone who doesn’t see the value of the service, nor can we submit to someone who doesn’t enjoy the role of Dominant.

As well, Tops can experience undesirable physical effects from the activities we partake in. An intense flogging can cause pain in the wrists and shoulders. Standing for long periods can cause fatigue in the legs and feet. Massaging away those pains can be a form of aftercare, and also a form of service. To the service-oriented bottom, this is a good way to care for their Top.

This is a very short list of what a top could potentially experience, but I think that it’s beneficial to any dynamic to understand that both Top and bottom require aftercare.

When should Aftercare be performed?

ALWAYS. After every scene, and anytime your partner feels they need it. Aftercare shouldn’t be thought of so much as a task, but more of a way of showing gratitude, care, and concern for others. Simply put, aftercare is maintaining a partner’s physical and mental health. As I’ve said before, nobody likes a broken toy.

We say aftercare when we relate this style of care to sex and BDSM, but it can also be caring for another when they’ve experienced a life-altering moment, had a bad day at work, or just don’t feel themselves on a particular day. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be after; it can be whenever it is needed and sometimes that’s before a scene.

Whatever aftercare looks for you, make sure that you follow through with what is required. Your dynamic and partner will appreciate it, and the bond that is created will last for longer than that specific amount of time. If you’re unsure of the different forms of aftercare, I’ve compiled a shortlist. Feel free to use what works for you, or to combine two or more elements. There’s no right or wrongs here, only what’s beneficial and what’s not.

10 way to perform Aftercare

-a bubble bath with a glass of wine (I do NOT endorse drinking during a scene)

-swaddling your partner in a blanket

-giving a bottom (or top) time to themselves

-massage (erotic or otherwise)

-words of endearment or encouragement

-asking questions about how your partner is feeling

-offering painkillers or electrolytes

-cuddling, hugging, or rubbing their back

-asking your partner to write about their experience

-a mid-day text to let them know you are thinking about them

As you can see from this list, aftercare is a simple task. With all the benefits, why would you not have it as a regular part of your dynamic? There’s nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

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