BDSM with a side of Sex

BDSM with a side of Sex

When you ask lifestylers if sex is a part of BDSM, many will say that they are two separate, yet equal things. I think they are right, but also wrong. For my dynamic, sex plays a large role in our BDSM play, but there are two sides to this, just like everything else.  

When you look at the definition for the acronym BDSM, I can see where there may be confusion about whether or not it’s a sexual thing. Some of the words used in the definition have become blurred over the years, the meaning not quite as clear as it once was. New titles, roles, and ways for dynamics to operate have become the norm and the dated acronym we use, may not contain the full meaning as it had before.

When we unpack each letter we find new meanings or updated versions of views from the past. We may find that things aren’t quite cut into blacks and whites. There’s always room for negotiations, even here.

The B

The B stands for bondage. It doesn’t have any other meaning that I have heard of, although with enough time, all things change.

Bondage makes most of us think of fun sexy times. Even vanilla couples have used bondage as a way to liven up their moments of intimacy, so I can see how many would think that it is a purely sexual thing, and I’m sure for some it is.

In my dynamic, bondage is used for sexual play, but also discipline and punishment. If I move while in a scene, or need assistance to stay still, cuffs or ropes have been a great help, but also a hindrance. Sometimes it’s a way of being held against my will, even if I have consented to said bondage.

Often when we consent to things, we don’t take the time to define the full meaning, so bondage could mean being tied down with rope or cuffs for sexual enjoyment or use, but it could also mean being enslaved and used for whatever enjoyment the bonder sees fit. One sounds great for most, the other to only a few.

There are times Mister K and I play with rope just for the sake of enjoying it. For the love of the feel of the coils sliding over my skin or to share a sense of closeness. Mister K likes having me bound and I relish the sensations of being wrapped tightly, like a gift waiting to be revealed. And to be honest, I also love the attention. It can lead to something sexual, but not always. Most times after a long bondage scene the best thing for both of us is some quiet time or sleep.

The D

The D stands for Dominance or Dominant and discipline. While Dominants (of the male and female variety) are sexy, especially when absorbed in their roles, I doubt when in the moment of giving discipline they are thinking about sex. And when being disciplined the last thing I usually think of is “I want to be disciplined and then have some hot sex”. Some do though, so we can’t forget about them.

Discipline is the opposite of fun. Or at least it is for me. It’s about learning to follow rules, staying in the right mindset, and progressing in our dynamic. It’s much more about building trust and showing respect. Breaking rules regularly won’t make even the most sexual dynamic result in mind-blowing sex. In certain dynamics, it’s used as a reward for good behaviour.

When you look at the dominance or Dominant part of BDSM, there could be sex involved, but sex is not necessary for a top to display dominance, or for a bottom to submit. Dominance is a mindset, a way of playing a role. Do I enjoy seeing Mister K in his Dominant mindset, exerting his control over me? Of course, but he gets that Dominant look (you know the one I’m talking about) more so when he’s teaching a lesson than when he’s chasing climax.

There are plenty of Dominants who are strictly a part of platonic dynamics. Sexual interactions never happen. And what about online relationships, where the two (or three or more) never meet? The dynamic is more about dominance and discipline than sex. Is there affection and genuine care for each other? Yes, but you can care for someone without sleeping with them. For those of you that need to, read that again.

Does that mean that orgasms aren’t used as tools? No, but orgasms aren’t inherently sexual, we just think they are because we experience them in a sexual part of our body. And that is only made sexual because society and our own ideals make it that way. We do plenty of other things with those parts.

The S

The S can stand for submission, slave, or sadist. In my dynamic, I’m well aware that I am submissive whether in the bedroom or not. But not all dynamics are like this. Some subs or bottoms are strictly submissive only for a sexual purpose. Their control disappearing with their clothes. For subs like me, we are always submissive (but usually only to a certain person or people), and therefore I am aware that Mister K can take me sexually whenever he wants, but my submission is more than just a time or place.

The sadist part makes it a little more complicated. It literally means to gain sexual pleasure from inflicting pain or humiliation. So if we look at it from that perspective, BDSM is about sex or at least sexual arousal. But just as things change over the years, so does language and the words we use. The meaning of the term sadist may have changed too, we just need to update the definition.

My submission does give me sexual arousal, but I do not need sex to feel submissive. As well, Mister K can be sadistic, but sometimes not using sex as a tool is more sadistic than using it.

The M

The M can mean Master or masochist. Very different parts of a whole. Masochists gain pleasure from pain, more accurately sexual pleasure, so sex could be a part of BDSM for them. I, for one, get off on being caned, flogged and humiliated. Being a submissive who enjoys physical pain, those techniques are not used often for punishment, making it more of sexual activity than not. But that isn’t to say that every time I engage in impact play or humiliation scenes that I need to have sex. Quite the opposite as I get a different feeling of satisfaction from those parts of BDSM.

In a dynamic where the M stands for Master (or Mistress), I’m sure there is also a sexual part to the dynamic, as the dynamic would be a part of an entire life, not just roles played by two individuals. Yet some are in M/s relationships and don’t engage in sex at all.

What works for you

Mister K and I often have sex after a scene and sometimes without and completely separate from one. For Mister K, the purpose of the scene is like foreplay, a build-up to a finale. I could very easily skip the sex part, like it’s a side dish. It’s not that I don’t like the release or that extra moment of intimacy, it’s just for me, the scene itself is what I enjoy, not the finale. I am comfortable under his dominance and feel that part of me with or without scenes or sex. It’s who I am.

I enjoy sex with Mister K, but I could very easily separate the two and of course, that would just give me more private time with him. With that being said, there have been plenty of times when sex was the scene. 

In the end, it’s about what works for you and your dynamic. If you want the two separate, then do, if not, it’s really up to you. There’s no wrong way to be part of BDSM, as long as consent is given and limits are respected. If all parties are aware of the risks and agree to the terms, the rest is just semantics.

To see who else is writing about Sex and BDSM for #WickedWednseday prompt#417, click on the badge.

FOr more about MrsK’s thoughts on D/s, see Let’s Talk About. For her reflections on submission, see Submissive Journal.

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