Bedroom Bloopers

Is there anything worse than being interrupted during sex? Okay, yes there is. But at the time, it sure doesn’t feel that way. I’ve had no shortage of less than expected incidents happen mid-coitus, and while bloopers aren’t always appreciated in the moment, they certainly supply some comic relief at a later date. Like these three stories, that by far top my Bedroom Bloopers list.

The Pretty Girl

At 19, I met this random guy at the bar. We had flirted and danced all night, the sexual energy leading to groping. He suggests we take the party elsewhere and I’m more than eager. We make it back to his place; tongues doing the tango. Clothing is landing in random piles on the floor. Personal possessions are being knocked over as we navigate our way through the dark.

Finally nude, he picks me up, wrapping my legs around his waist, and walks us to his bedroom. Stumbling across the threshold, he trips, staggers forward, stubs his toes on the bedframe and, with a few select words, drops me unceremoniously.

Now, he’s found the bed. So there shouldn’t be a problem, but when I fall, I connect with something overly hard and quite lumpy. It moves beneath me. I let out a shriek, and he grabs me quickly, flicking the light switch.

In his bed, is a five-year-old who is rubbing sleep infused eyes. The child blinks at me, I blink at it (later I find out it is a him)- trying desperately to cover my nudity, but my clothes are spread throughout the apartment like confetti- then the little tyke looks at my soon to be sexcapade and says, “Daddy, the pretty girl’s bum hurt my face.”

At least he called me pretty…? Turns out he wanted his aunt to bring him home early. She was asleep in the spare room and didn’t hear a thing. I count that as a small blessing!

Banger Bloopers

A guy I dated in college loved meeting mid day for a sexy interlude. Usually it was a quick blowjob, or a finger bang; nothing too strenuous. On this occasion, though, foreplay led to penetration.

We’re in a women’s bathroom stall, I’ve got one leg up on the pipework behind the toilet, the other is holding me but I’m on the tips of my toes. He’s so much taller than me that standing during intercourse is quite the Olympic feat. But I was down (up?) for the challenge.

With each thrust, my ass bounces against the stall, creating a loud metallic bang. I’m trying to control it, as well as keep my throaty moans to a minimum. But as we get into our rough coupling, I may have forgotten a time or two.

He grasps me with both hands, holding my head so he can look into my eyes as he fucks me, and he says, “Tell me when you’re gonna cum.”

I wasn’t ready yet, so I reached between us to flick my bean, his stare still focused intently on me.

Whether the scenario, the potency of his gaze, or just luck of the draw, my climax was there in no time. It rushed over me, making my vision blurry, my legs numb. Remembering I’m supposed to tell him, I yell out, “I’m Cumming!”

This spurs him to ride me like a stallion, losing all control, and nothing I do stops the loud thumping of my bottom connecting with the stall divider. Within seconds, he’s there too, and releases with quite an impressive roar.

Breathing heavily, both smiling ear to ear, we adjust our clothing and wash up. We have a brief chat about the afternoon’s classes, and he kisses me on the cheek, saying something like “Later babe.”

He makes it to the restroom doorway and stops in his tracks, then looks over at me with a sheepish grin. I’m wondering what he’s looking at, and as soon as I step into the hall, a synchronized round of applause forms all around us. The hall is filled with people, some of which are whooping and hollering. My boyfriend even got a few slaps on the back from random guys he didn’t know.

With a red face, I did the only thing I could think of. I took a bow like I was the star of the show. For the rest of the year and part of the next, I heard a lot of, “Hey, Banger.”

I graduated and moved to a new town.

Bad Dog

An unusual occasion occurred where Mister K and I were childless for a few hours. Taking advantage of the lack of tiny feet- which means leaving doors opens, not having to have music playing and the joys of being nude in your own home–Mister K and I are getting hot and heavy on the couch, not even bothering to undress each other properly. We both have shirts on, but our pants have been shucked and tossed into a corner somewhere. His boxers are pulled down, and I still have my panties around one foot.

Mister K is on top, thrusting with everything he has. He’s pulling out all the stops. My arms are pinned over my head, my moans uninhibited. We start talking dirty, he’s asking me sexy questions.

“Do you like that dirty girl?”

“Mmm, yes, Sir. Harder.”

“Like this?” he asks, a sultry glint in his eye and he strengthens his spine and gives me what I’m asking for.

“Yeah, just like that!” I reply seductively.

On the down stroke he says “Oh, you feel so…” And then hurriedly he pulls out and stands in record time -his cock bouncing like a jack in the box- then practically shouts, “BAD DOG!”

“What!?” I ask, obviously confused and feeling bereft, not understanding when our kinky game changed.

Dead pan, he looks at me and says, “the dog licked my asshole!”

Standing behind him was our St. Bernard, all 160 pounds of him, a long line of drool escaping his jowls. The dog looked so happy to be included that I laughed until I cried.

Mister K jacked off in the bathroom.

Bad dog, indeed.

***

If you have experienced no bedroom bloopers, I wonder if you’re even living life to it’s fullest (kidding). While the moments at the time may embarrass, feel silly or downright absurd, they make for delightful stories. Maybe not ones for the dinner table, but a pleasant tale nonetheless.

---

For more Bedroom Bloopers, flip the 4 Thoughts Page

---

This week’s Wicked Wednesday Prompt was Tentacle Porn. I had little to say on the subject. Not because it’s not my kink, but because I haven’t tried it… yet, so I don’t know. Although I read a wonderful tale back in May for #TurnUpTheHeat called Transformed by the Beast by Sally Bend, and I think I could be convinced. You can find Sally on her blog, or on twitter.

And also, have you seen these amazing tentacle dildos from Bad Dragon? Sign me up! (not a sponsored link, I simply think they’re intriguing!)

For more about MrsK’s unexpected life experiences, see Hot For Teacher, or Small World after All