Bridging the Orgasm Gap

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The Orgasm Gap (A.K.A. The Pleasure Gap)–a social phenomenon referring to the general disparity between heterosexual men and women in terms of sexual satisfaction- as per Wikipedia.

As a hetero cis woman, the only gap in my orgasms is the time between them. While I understand that there is a social phenomenon called The Orgasm Gap, it doesn’t affect me. But it wasn’t always like this.

Unfortunately, there was a time when I settled for less than pleasurable sex, either because my partner(s) didn’t understand the female body, or simply didn’t care. Most likely, I didn’t either. Back then, sex was a chore, a task to be done because my partner wanted to. Because men have needs. Or that’s what I was taught as a young woman. This led to not wanting to talk about my desires, what I liked and didn’t. It led to me believing the sex I partook in wasn’t about me. Even while a part of me enjoyed being used for someone else’s pleasure.

And, I believed that until I started exploring the world of kink. And then? Everything, and I mean everything, about my sex life and the pleasure I received from it changed. And that change came from something so very simple.

A Hetero issue?

While researching the Orgasm Gap (which gave me more questions than answers), I discovered it is predominately a heterosexual relationship spectrum problem. That means that it happens more often within relationships that are male/female. It doesn’t seem to be an issue in queer communities, which made me wonder, why the difference? Are gays and lesbians more aligned in their sexual relationship goals? Do they make up a larger population of givers than the heterosexual community? Or could it be they don’t accept less than they deserve? If so, they may be onto something.

For heterosexual couples, the Orgasm Gap may have something to do with the differences in the physiological makeup of men versus women. Men have outies and women innies, and we all know that the female body is harder to operate sexually than a man’s. But why? Could it be that women don’t come with instructions, or more simply, that they aren’t giving any?

Besides the physical differences between us, the mental differences must play a part too. Women need their brains to cooperate in the sexual activities they take part in; actually, needing the mind to get turned on first. And men, well, they already think about sex on average twice as often, and up to 100 times as often as women. It seems someone already equipped their brains for sex.

Hetero women experience orgasm during sex (penetration or not) approximately 65% of the time, if they lied about it. Without faking orgasms they only climax about 30% of the time, and lesbians, about 86% (with fewer occasions of penetration). It seems to me lesbians understand the workings of the female body better than men (duh!). But why is it that men don’t know more? They have been sexual beings just as long as women have.

The Search for Women’s pleasure

In sex-ed, we were told how babies were made, how to avoid making them. They taught us how the penis and the vagina worked. We were told where to put what and what was needed for procreation, but they did not teach us that sex could be pleasurable.

For many years, we labeled the Vagina as the only female erogenous zone. But women all know (and probably always have known) it’s the clitoris that really drives pleasure for women. And yet, not once do I recall being taught about it. If we aren’t teaching about it, how will men ever discover it? If women aren’t talking about it, how are men to learn?

Does the Dynamic change the Gap?

Being an active participant in my local kink community, I have seen many dynamics. Male tops, female tops, switches. I have seen men who have not orgasmed in over 400 days (more than a year! Can you imagine?), their cocks in cages that only come off for cleaning and maintenance. In fact, they may not climax at all as part of their agreement. Their Femdom’s, however, may enjoy cunninglingus every day, sometimes multiple times each day. And sure, they may not achieve orgasm each time, but it’s likely more often than the men they hold in a cage. Still a hetero couple, but with a change in the dynamic, the Orgasm Gap changes too. And is it even a considered a gap, if one partner has explicitly agreed to forgo their orgasms?

In my D/s dynamic, masturbation is not something that is done often. Pre-D/s, it was a daily thing for both Mister K and I. For myself, because it filled the gap (pun intended) and for Mister K because he didn’t much enjoy sex that his partner didn’t enjoy (yet he never spoke about it). But now, we find a distinct satisfaction in our relationship and our sexual encounters and take more pleasure in them. The deed isn’t any longer about the finale, it’s about doing the deed well, and making sure we both get what we need out of it, whether pleasure or pain (which brings its own pleasure for some of us).

I can honestly say that I orgasm ten times more than Mister K, but our sex lives are no longer based on orgasms. The pleasure we get comes from maintaining our roles and living out our fantasies. Fantasies that we (gasp!)…talk about.

What’s causing the Orgasm Gap?

I won’t try to say that all BDSM dynamics are equally pleasurable. No matter where you go, you will always find selfish lovers, or those using the relationship as a ruse to get what they need, but not give anything in return. Unfortunate but true. But I think that’s exactly what is causing this so-called Orgasm Gap. On one side, so many nowadays think only about themselves, and on the other is lack of knowledge about the female body. And to top it all off, we’re not talking about the things we should be.

Sex for the Rest

In the world of BDSM, a lot of talking happens. We discuss everything; likes, dislikes, wants, needs, desires. We set limits, boundaries and make risks known. Also, BDSM practitioners are more likely to be lifelong learners, and research more often than those who aren’t. All of this discussion and added knowledge means they have a better understanding of how to help their partners receive pleasure.

It’s also said that participants of kink are more sexually satisfied that their vanilla counterparts. While not understood in the scientific community, I think it’s because we’re talking about it, learning about how to please each other and thus, bridging the Orgasm Gap.

So maybe that’s the solution. To simply discuss, to communicate, to teach and to learn. Could it really be so simple? I think it is. My own relationship is proof that communication is the key to connection, and when we feel connected to our partners, hetero or otherwise, we’re more likely to find pleasure. So, in the words of Martin Luther King, Jr (who may not have liked his words being used for this post),

Let’s Build bridges, not walls.

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For more unsolicited advice from me, see Let’s Talk About.

You can find some lighter reading under Fiction.

cover image found at Canva.com