Consensual Consent

As a mother of teenage boys, and a member of the kink community, consent is an ongoing conversation in our home. As a child I was abused by a person who was supposed to be my protector, and then failed by the person who should have defended me. I learned early that consent makes the difference between a good and a bad interaction with others. When I got older, I realized that many people, old and young, had no idea what true consent was. I watched men and women cat call, touch others without permission (you know, the hugger that hugs everyone without asking), take things that didn’t belong to them, and so on. I knew that I wanted to be very clear about what consent was in my relationships and life. And while most of my amorous relationships have been consensual, I left a few behind because the red flags were so big and tall, that I couldn’t ignore them. Thankfully those persons accepted my decision and left me alone, but some people have not been so lucky.

Somewhere along the way, we as a society have failed our sons and daughters in the area of consent. I find it strange that in a world where we need to consent to have a medical procedure, to have someone file our taxes and everything is password protected, that we still have rampant rape rates, weekly child pornography busts and sexual predators being reported in the news. We see companies taking money from their employees, big corporations exploiting third world countries, and the list goes on and on and on.

How have we not educated ourselves and our children about the dangers around lack of consent. How have we not educated them about the trauma that can be caused and the long-term consequences of not listening to NO!? How, as a world, have we not collectively agreed that there is a problem that needs fixing?

Talking about it before it matters (is that possible?)

Being parents, we talk about consent more than we think. We teach our children not to hit, not to enter personal space, saying mean things hurts, etc., etc. These conversations don’t stop because they get bigger, the conversations just get bigger with them. What was a simple, use your words, or don’t use your hands for hurting (a hard lesson to teach when you love being spanked yourself-but again, it comes down to consent) has become no means no, period, sentence over, not up for discussion, and just because they said yes at the beginning doesn’t mean no shouldn’t stop the action, if they change their mind.

Now that my sons have begun dating, I find myself talking more about consent in a sexual way. In Canada, the age of consent is 16, and that’s great. But our children are experimenting with their bodies and are curious about sex way before that time. I myself, was sexually active at 13. The laws states that persons close in age (two years or less) are able to consent as early as 12, the rules about consent in Canada change for persons under 18 when public places are involved, or a third party is present, or a person is on a position of power or authority. And while I agree with all of these laws, I find it confusing to inform my boys about the rules. Instead of trying to decipher all the ins and outs, and make sure they are clear of the rules, we just say this: Consent must be given verbally, out loud and coherently. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, and you must be okay with that decision, even if it’s hard (no pun intended???). Consent is not just about sex, it’s about everything, and if you’re unsure, ask!

Consensual Consent outside a dynamic

Mister K and I were at a rope night and having a difficult time with a specific knot. The facilitator, we’ll call him T, was asked to come assist us. As T was reaching out, he said “Is it okay if I touch?” Mister K went ahead and said, “sure her wrists are free”. He thought nothing of it, mostly because in our dynamic, he doesn’t have to ask consent for many things. He knows my rules and boundaries and I know his. T looked directly at Mister K and replied, “Third party consent isn’t consent here”. And I think I fell in love a little bit. He very plainly pointed out that yes, I understand that your dynamic allows you to make decisions for your submissive, but here, only your submissives verbal consent gives the green light. It was a huge eye opener for Mister K. In a dynamic in which he holds all the cards he didn’t’ realize that not all persons would respect his idea of consent.

BDSM and kink require a knowledge of consent that resonates deeply inside me. Consent is the corner stone of all negotiations, scenes and dynamics. It is more than a safeword. Consent gives the Doer/Top/Dom/Master the best tool to perform to the receiver’s/bottom’s/ subs/slaves expectations. While Mister K and I don’t need to negotiate often, when we do, we need to go over our lists of likes and dislikes. On our BDSM checklists we have all the things we like, dislike, want to try, and our limits. Some of the items have changed over the years, but the lists are not as important as the words that we exchange. Sometimes I don’t want to be spanked during a scene, sometimes I just need a hug and to have my hair played with. Without verbal consent, I would end up black and blue for eternity (although most days I wouldn’t mind).

But consent goes above the obvious. Consent has to do with race, gender, social class, education, experience and age. Without all the facts, tidbits and particulars, consent is just a puff of smoke, blown away with the air used to say them. Without knowing all the dirty, minute details, consent isn’t truly consent at all. On the other side of the coin, consent is actively listening and following limits and boundaries. It’s not doing things your asked not to, inside and out of the bedroom and dungeon. Sometimes the conversations we really need to have are difficult or a little frightening, but if we can’t talk about the things we want truthfully, how do others know how to be consensual with us?
If you’re looking to start a D/s dynamic in an existing relationship, there are plenty of websites and books that can lead you to creating that goal. But being aware of whether consent is active in your current relationship should be your first step. If you’re not living consensually now, trusting your partner will become a difficult task. Without trust, D/s won’t become a true experience. While BDSM and kink can add a level of excitement to any relationship or marriage, it shouldn’t be used as a means to fix existing issues around consent, boundaries or trust. Please work on those first and separately.

Keep It consensual!