Fore or After, It’s all Play

I don’t think of foreplay as different or separate from sex, although there was a time when it was the deciding factor if I would engage in a repeat performance. If a partner doesn’t have an interest in ensuring everyone has been taken care of, I don’t think they deserve my attention, or anyone else’s for that matter. Now that I am in a 24/7 D/s relationship, my opinion on foreplay has changed, but not in the way one would think.

What Mister K and I have is a dynamic, a bond that took those intimate moments and made them so much more. Our scenes are now our foreplay, our time together each day creating a tension that can easily become sexual if we chose it to. Although it isn’t necessary to find satisfaction. Sex or sexual acts are now more like an added bonus, the proverbial cherry on top.

Intensity of Play

The level of intensity in my sex/intimate life is so much more than it was before entering our dynamic. In the past, many sexual activities were a chore, not something that I enjoyed overly, simply something done out of duty. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it was amazing, joyous even, but it was just… sex. No big deal. With our power exchange, all parts of our relationship are…MORE. More intense, more focused, more conscientious, more desirable.

While that is a big change from our pre-D/s lifestyle, the biggest change comes in the after play. Not to be confused with aftercare, a much-needed practice in BDSM, after-play is a unique experience. One that makes sure all partners get their due, so to speak. While I receive bliss separately from orgasms now, from my submission and knowing I have pleased Mister K, that doesn’t mean I don’t like to get off. It just means I don’t need to in order to feel complete.

A New Perspective

There was once a time when I thought that masturbating or finishing after my partner rolled over appeared rude or would make them feel like they hadn’t done a good enough job. Like, what they did to contribute to my enjoyment wasn’t good enough. And well, that’s sort of true isn’t it? If they finished and all I got was wet (if I was lucky), well then, it seems the game was a bit one-sided. That was until Mister K.

While he always makes sure I get my turn, I know now that if I needed a finishing move post play, he would simply be happy I got off. He understands that I don’t need an orgasm to appreciate our union and that I derive pleasure from his, but he also enjoys knowing I have enjoyed myself too. Nothing says, “a good time was had by all” than the big “O”.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

On the other side of that is Mister K’s ability to make sure I have gotten off, although he doesn’t. He was the first partner I had ever experienced this with, and one of the main reasons I knew I could ask him to be my Dom. He’ll often have me touch myself or use a vibrator, just so he can watch me, reminding us both that he owns my pleasure (effective, huh?). While I know this is largely due to it being a turn on for him, I also know that he understands that orgasms make us feel good, and when we are pleased, we want others to be too. It’s a display of selfishness in a very unselfish way, but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

There is also a part of our dynamic that involves orgasm control, and sometimes our joining is for his pleasure only. Again, this is a power move and part of our agreement. I understand it is not done out of maliciousness or spite. It is a way to keep our dynamic what it is, a power-exchange. No matter how uncomfortable, this is a way to enforce rules and pre-decided terms.

I Can’t Get No…

I guess I don’t consider after play as different from sex or sexual acts now either. It’s a part of a larger scope of satisfaction. Good partners want everyone to be happy with the outcome, and if they are not, they work at making it better. Whether that care is taken before, during, or after is of no consequence. What is an issue is when one person feels left out, or not cared for. This is probably the biggest reason for the failure and ultimate demise of intimate relationships, and why many men and women think sex is no more than a tactic for the survival of the species.

If we take the time to talk with our partners and be honest about what we need and desire, foreplay or after-play simply becomes play. Just like all parts of any relationship, casual, permanent, or otherwise, communication is the secret ingredient. Sprinkle that shit on everything. Without those talks, our sexual experiences are going to be based on previous occurrences. If your partner hasn’t had many good experiences with sex, we can’t expect them to make this one better, unless we tell them how. Also, what works for one person, most likely won’t for another. Saying what you like or don’t is simple but getting what you need out of an experience is not if your partner doesn’t know what you need.

Making Play What You Need

While there could be any number of reasons that a partner is unable to climax, having a bit of time and energy put into their enjoyment can go a long way. Besides the obvious of them knowing that they are more than just a tool, they will also develop a trust that wasn’t there before. If we don’t trust people, we aren’t going to tell them what we need or want. When we’re comfortable and know that what we want is at the forefront of our partner’s mind, telling them to move to the right, to go slower, or physically redirecting them becomes par for the course.

No matter the type of play you engage in, making the most of your experiences starts with the desire to please your partner, and open communication. As long as the key elements are taken care of, the rest is a walk in the park.

To see who else is playing, before and after for #wickedwednesday, hit the bullseye.

For more posts about topics around BDSM and D/s, see Submissive Journal or Let’s Talk About.

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