Limiting my Libido

I’ve become aware of the mass loss of libido in the world. And it’s not surprising, given the current state of affairs. We’re all living in each moment with nervous expectations for the next. Each day, waiting for normalcy to return, our thoughts anything but normal. The world has entered a state of survival mode. Each of us trying to find where we’ll go from here. How do I fit into this new world, this new life? We’re doing things we never would have thought, cut off from people who make us who we are.

Feeling Cut Off

Many are experiencing grief, a feeling of loss. Like something important is missing but unsure of where to collect more of the missing pieces. Wondering if they can be replaced. Others are experiencing changes in their bodies that are manifestations of the world around them, stress making itself known in undesirable ways. 

Bellies are filled with comfort food, minds with news designed to scare. We stay inside our homes, hidden away, disconnected from our neighbors, our friends, and our families.

Is it any wonder that when our proverbial emotional buckets are empty our coming together for lust and physical connection is put aside?

Heightened Awareness

For myself, I have experienced the opposite. My libido is at an all-time high. While I would like to contribute that to my strict routine, me and Mister K’s dynamic being at the forefront of my mind, I know that is not the truth, or at least not all of it. Yes, I’ve stuck to my diet, I’ve maintained a fitness routine, and found new interests to stimulate my mind. To outsiders, it would seem that I have fared well. And I guess in a way, I have.

But my libido is in overdrive because my body is in a heightened state of arousal. Not necessarily sexual arousal, but a reptilian brain sort of awakening. Be it fight or flight. I’ve recognized a heightened awareness of my surroundings, a greater spacial awareness. My senses elevated. Everything seems enhanced. My emotions, my thoughts, my passion.

All the Glitters is not Golden

But, the heightened state of awareness that my body is used to usually comes from BDSM and being in a scene with Mister K, not a real threat. It comes from my submission and the finale of each scene, usually, that means subspace or sex and release. So, while my mind is full of constant what if’s and why not’s, my body needs closeness and intimacy, even pain, using our dynamic and play as a way to relieve the tension. My body is confusing the increase in adrenaline as a preparation for my masochistic desires.

It sounds like a good problem to have and it has been great for my writing. My mind filled with erotic images and imagined scenes. But you can only act those fantasies out if you have an available partner, and your partner doesn’t recognise that your head is not in the right place. While it would be easy for Mister K to give me intense scenes and let me sink into euphoria or to take me every chance he got, he knows that isn’t what my body or my mind is looking for, or what I need. He also knows that I could become so lost in the scene that I could forget to safeword, using the intensity as an escape.

Give and Take

Instead, we have long bondage scenes, that clear my mind and let me focus solely on the moment. Look at erotic photography and read together. Me, wrapped tightly in Mister K’s embrace, touches leading to tender caresses and mutual discovery. We take long walks, holding hands, just enjoying each other’s company, laughing and being us, with no interruptions. We make love, something we rarely did, even before D/s. We still follow our strict dynamic routines. We still play, but our play is less intense, to balance the intensity in our vanilla lives.

Mister K doesn’t ever seem to let anything bother him, but as his wife, submissive and best friend, I know his emotions are like a deep river. Calm on the surface, but beneath is a tumultuous current. I understand that by giving me what he knows I need, he’s also fulfilling his need for closeness, for connection. It gives him an outlet to focus his attention. Replacing a little of what has been taken away. I’m happy to be able to give him that, even when sometimes, I just want to be flogged into numbness, to climax until I’m physically drained and too tired to think.

Return to not so Innocence

I’m sure we will return to our former ways, even if it takes time. But I hope that Mister K and I remember this time and how it has strengthened us. Made us feel more alive in ways we never would have thought, even when it seemed everything else was dark and dreary.

I’m looking forward to getting back to our old ways though. Mister K’s demands and discipline. The bite of punishment and sadistic desires.It’s been great having time to reconnect, but even my libido has limits.

To see who else contributed to #Food4Thought #149:Libido, or The Erotic Journal Challenge prompt : Love (and life) in the time of Corona) click on the badges.

For more about Life in Lockdown see, Lessons Learned In Lockdown.

For something to arouse your senses see Fiction by MrsK.