Laura shares her fears about exploring a same-sex relationship
Read Love beyond Labels – Part 1
She wonders if she’s ever been so nervous. Laura’s hands are clammy and shake with a slight tremor, which is only pronounced when she touches her fingertips to her lips. Anxiety sits like a lead stone in the pit of her belly and she tries to tuck her shaking fingers under her linen-clad thighs, but Eloise takes them in hand instead. Laura is shocked by how warm she is.
“Are you so scared? Does the wine no longer embolden you?” The question is said jokingly, but there is a hint of concern in Eloise’s eyes. She searches Laura’s face like the truth will be laid there.
Laura smiles, but she knows it’s likely more of a grimace. “I’m very nervous. And a bit scared, yes.”
“Do tell.” Eloise insists, and Laura feels an increase in her heart rate, but Eloise’s warm hands hold hers, thumbs moving rhythmically atop the backs. Laura can’t deny she finds the gesture calming. She finds Eloise calming. She likes having her so close, but her worry feels tangible.
“What if I like it?” Laura asks quietly, embarrassment sitting hot on her cheeks.
Eloise throws her head back and laughs. Laura decides it’s not at her, but at the idea that she shouldn’t enjoy herself. It is laughable, but Laura is mindful of what that enjoyment may signify.
“Well, I should hope so, or I would be terribly offended.” Her chuckle contained, Eloise continues, “But why does that scare you? Are you afraid of pleasure?”
Laura chews her bottom lip before answering. “I never really enjoyed sex with my husband. I don’t think, ever. And if I enjoy it with you, what will that mean?”
“What do you want it to mean?” Eloise asks, her thumbs never ceasing their reassuring back and forth. Laura absorbs the sensation, taking her time before she replies.
“How will I tell my children? My parents?”
“Perhaps you’ve gotten ahead of yourself. Yes?” Eloise asks Laura stoically. “We’ve not even arrived. Nothing will happen that you don’t want to. So how about we take a breath and relax? Hmmm? And maybe discuss why you said yes to coming home with me.”
“I’m curious,” Laura admits quickly, then blushes profusely at her apparent eagerness.
“Mmm hmm. Yes, I can see that. What else?” Eloise asks, but her voice is softer than before.
Eloise’s blue eyes never leave Laura’s, and her hands remain a constant presence. Even so, Laura is glad for the dim light of the town car’s interior when she says, “I find you very attractive. More so than any man.” She swallows before continuing in a whisper, “I never thought about my husband touching me, even when I touched myself on rare occasion. But for the last few hours, that’s all I’ve wanted you to do.”
“Does the idea of me touching you scare you?”
“No?” Lauras replies. Knowing it sounds like a question, she tries again. “No. I’m only afraid of what it will mean. Of how it will change me. My life.”
“Are you afraid of change, Laura? You’ve had many life changes. Leaving your parents’ home, taking a husband, having children, the death of a spouse. A big move. A new city. Change is part of growth. And life.”
“I worry about what people will say,” Laura admits, the tremor she’s desperately trying to hold inside clear in the shake of her voice.
“What people?” Eloise asks gently.
“My people,” Laura says, looking down in an attempt to avoid Eloise’s piercing eyes. She knows she doesn’t need to elaborate on who her people are.
Eloise releases one of Laura’s hands to raise her chin. It isn’t until she’s sure Laura is looking directly at her that she says, “Your people will still love you, of that I have no fear.”
“Did yours? What was it like for you? When did you tell them?” The words are rushed and garbled, and Laura swallows the rest of her questions. Eloise once again claims her hand.
“I was old enough to know, but still a young woman. It wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t say anything like, ‘I’m a lesbian.’ There were no labels needed. My uncle died of HIV in ’92. My mom marched in Washington the following year. My dad only said, ‘I’m just glad you aren’t screwing that boy you always hang with.’ I think he already knew. Maybe he didn’t care. I’m me, no matter who I do or don’t love. ”
“Not everyone is so lucky.”
“No, they’re not, but let me ask you, do you think your children will think less of you because you made a decision that affects them in absolutely no way? Your developing sexuality doesn’t omit their existence. They still had loving parents, and their father was still their father. You will still be their mother.”
“No, you’re right. And I’ve raised them to be more open-minded than that.”
“And your parents, would they begrudge you happiness? Companionship? Another chance at love?” Eloise asks, and the last word sits heavy in Laura’s mind. She had loved, but not fully. Not in every way she knew she could. She knew she had more to give. In all ways.
“Of course not. They encouraged me to move to the city and to ‘dip my toes in the sand’. I think they were hoping I’d meet someone, so I wouldn’t be alone. I’m just not sure that someone was a woman, in their minds.”
“And if it were, do you think they’d love you less? Think less of you as a woman, or a daughter?”
“No, if I were happy, they would be happy.”
“Not everyone is so lucky,” Eloise says back to Laura, but the sting has been removed, so only an honest statement remains.
Laura has no reply, so she sits and stares at Eloise, absorbing the impact of Eloise’s words. She drinks in Eloise’s beauty in the scattered evening light. Once more, Laura can’t decide whether Eloise is gorgeous or cute, but she doesn’t want to look away, so she continues her open perusal, unabashed.
Eloise doesn’t so much as flinch under Laura’s watchful gaze. She sits as stoic as always, graceful in her confidence.
“I don’t think I would have thought you gay, had you not told me,” Laura says, unsure of how to voice her thought.
“Because I don’t look like a standard “dyke? Wearing a dress, make-up, high-heels?”
Laura’s cheeks flush. “Yes, you’re very feminine. And pretty.”
“The term in the lesbian world is femme. And thank you, I take that as a compliment. Do you think of yourself as feminine, Laura? You’re wearing slacks, a button down. Does that make you butch? Would you consider yourself more masculine?”
Laura laughs, but takes her time before saying. “I’d usually wear a dress for a date, but I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. Had I been meeting you, I likely would have.”
“Perhaps we don’t need those labels of femme, dyke and butch then, hmm? Maybe we can just be women who enjoy the company of other women?”
“I think I’d like that.”
“I would like to kiss you,” Eloise says, her voice low, and Laura’s eyes snap down to watch Eloise’s tongue come out and lick her upper lip. The act is so sexy, Laura worries she may combust.
“If you don’t, I might die, but I’m afraid if you do, I’ll explode. I’ve never felt so much.” Laura whispers. She can feel her bottom lip trembling, her heartbeat thunders in her ears. She wonders if Eloise can hear it too. Can she feel Laura’s body shake? Will she think it in fear?
No. Laura is not afraid. She’s never been more sure of anything.
Eloise gets closer, and Laura parts her lips, holding her breath in expectation, and Eloise’s exhalation is hot on her cheek. Laura closes her eyes, wanting to remember the moment for eternity. The distance seems to stretch. Time stands still. They’re a whisper apart when the car’s tires screech, disrupting the silence, and in a blaze of stars, Eloise’s forehead collides painfully with Laura’s.
Both women sit back sharply, each with a palm holding a sore head, and Laura thinks it all very funny and begins to laugh. Eloise is smiling too when the car comes to a stop, the speakers clicking on in a blast of static, until the driver says, “Sorry ma’am, a deer jumped out from the forest. Is everyone okay?”
Eloise pushes a button on the side panel and replies, “Fine Fredric, thank you. If all is well, perhaps we should slow down?” The last sentence is clearly a reprimand.
“Yes, ma’am,” the driver replies, and Laura laughs louder at the almost timid way in which he says it. She’d likely feel the same.
“Are you okay, Laura?” Eloise asks, still rubbing her head gingerly, a radiant smile highlighting the whiteness of her teeth.
Laura’s response is said through a mile-wide smile. “I’m fabulous, Eloise. Simply wonderful.” And Laura knows for the first in a long time, she’s telling the truth.
“I would still like to kiss you. But perhaps we should wait until we’ve reached my home.”
“Perhaps you’re right,” Laura replies through her laughter, though she does her best to stifle it.
The women sit quietly, eyes never leaving the other. Laura takes in Eloise’s cherub-like features and the length of her lean limbs. She decides that Eloise is exactly the type of woman she’d be attracted to. Worldly, successful, confident, and full of charm. A lot like her husband, in fact, but with a new set of features to learn and explore. This time, Laura finds she’s filled with excitement. Not at all feeling dread, like she did on her wedding night. She fists her hands when her fingers twitch in anticipation.
The car slows further and eventually stops and when Laura steps out with the aid of the chauffeur’s hand, she’s greeted by a cozy home in a dark wood. The landscaped grounds are lit with soft amber light, and Laura can’t help but feel like the property may be enchanted. It is every bit the home that should belong to Eloise. Poised, elegant, and inviting.
Wordlessly, Eloise leads the way, and Fredric disappears soundlessly to somewhere else. Laura follows through the front entry, and on oiled hinges, the oak door closes behind her.
Laura takes in the open space. It’s large, but cozy, with almost everything in one room. The floors are tile, but lush rugs cover heavily walked areas. It’s modern, but chic, classy, yet cool. It’s Eloise.
Laura turns to face her hostess, who then takes a step, two, and more toward her. Laura holds herself in place, relishing the sensation of being pursued, when Eloise stops so they’re almost chest to chest, breathe ragged, and cheeks a touch flushed.
Then Eloise’s lips are on hers, and Laura can’t help but open her mouth in invitation. Eloise’s tongue slips in, and Laura tangles it around her own in a dance she’s only ever dreamed of.
She’s never been kissed like this. Never felt the fleeting tingle in her belly from a lover’s lips upon hers. Laura is breathless when Eloise pulls away.
“Tell me what you fantasize about, Laura,” Eloise says, her voice a seductive command.
Laura blushes scarlet. She can feel the heat creeping up her chest. Her voice is barely a whisper when she says, “I’ve never even seen another woman completely naked before.”
Eloise doesn’t even blink before she slips the strap of her satin dress down her shoulder. “I’m sure I can easily rectify that.”
To be continued….
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