Scheduling Time for Intimacy

If you read the title and thought, that doesn’t sound very sexy, scheduling time for intimacy seems very…routine you are in the right place. There’s a common misconception that intimacy is purely sexual but there are other types of intimacy as well, ones we don’t often speak about. And even though we’re not aware of them, they are quite important to us as social creatures, co-workers, friends, and yes, lovers.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, you’re well aware that life sometimes gets in the way. If it gets in the way too often, it can negatively affect your relationships, romantic or not. With a commute, a long workday, kids, dinner, chores, etc., the last thing you may want to do is be intimate (sexual or otherwise), but it may be what you need most. If the idea of planning for intimacy still sounds too routine, think of it as a date night. Or if that seems too vanilla, call it maintenance. What you name it isn’t important, only that you take time for the people in your life.

Before I get too far into why I think intimacy should be planned in any relationship (even those plutonic ones), we need to know what intimacy is.

Intimacy-Defined

Intimacy is a feeling of mutual openness, vulnerability, and closeness experienced between two (but sometimes more) people. It is a connection that makes us feel like another accepts us and does not judge. It is invaluable to a healthy social life, a lasting relationship, and how you feel about yourself. A lack of intimacy in your life can cause issues around feeling unappreciated, not accepted, and create a myriad of mental and health issues.

Without intimate relationships, human beings often feel lost, alone, and very afraid. No man (or woman) is an island and having a social circle, trusted allies, and at least one person that you can turn to in times of need gives us a sense of security.

Dealing with your Fears

Many in the world have a fear of intimacy. That is, they fear being close to someone, isolate themselves, and create conflict where there generally should be none. People who suffer from abandonment issues are the most affected by this fear and are known to find or cause issues within their relationships to create a self-prophesied outcome. The mentality being, if I push them away, they won’t leave me, and I hold the cards.

If you feel like you fall into this last category, therapy may help, and I highly recommend it. Therapy is not just for people who feel they have “issues” but for everyone. It is a very underutilized tool in my opinion, but the first step is to acknowledge there is an issue. Therapy should not be looked at as a crutch, a weakness, or make you feel like something is wrong with you. You wouldn’t not put a cast on a broken arm because it made you “feel funny”. You would endure it and let the cast help you heal. Therapy is no different.

Types of Intimacy

There are four types of intimacy, each having its’ importance in our lives. While they can work together to create our close personal relationships with others, it’s beneficial to know the differences. This allows us to realise how each type benefits us and also how to ask for what we need. Sometimes you need someone to listen and sometimes you need to be touched. Knowing what you’re asking for makes the process much easier.

Experiential Intimacy

This type of intimacy is the least talked about. Most often it is found through leisure activities and comes from sharing an experience with someone. It can be as simple as creating something (like rebuilding a car) to as complex as surviving a life-threatening event (like a car accident). It creates a feeling of mutual connection and makes two people feel like they are in unison.

We often see this type of intimacy in our work lives or with a child or friend that we share a mutual activity with, Although it can be formed within groups as well (think sports teams).

Emotional Intimacy

This form of intimacy can only happen if you feel safe, connected, and secure with others. This is based on trust and you’ll know you’ve obtained it when you can disclose a secret or desire with the understanding that the other person is accepting of you and your confession. It allows us to share our most vulnerable parts of ourselves and gives a perception of closeness and acceptance.

Without other types of intimacy in our lives, emotional intimacy is almost impossible. So, figuring out how intimacy looks and what it feels like for you is paramount to creating emotional connections.

Intellectual Intimacy

This is an extension of other types of intimacy but also separate from. You’ll know you’ve achieved it when you feel comfortable sharing opinions and new ideas with others. This type of intimacy should help you feel like your thoughts are valued. When engaged positively, intellectual intimacy is not about being right or wrong in your opinions, only the sharing of ideas for the sake of friendly conversation. There should be no arguments in these moments, even if the persons communicating disagree.

Sexual Intimacy

While the most talked about and known, you can see how it requires more than just an act to create sexual intimacy. This type of intimacy can take years to manifest to its’ full potential. This is largely because without a feeling of connection (emotional), having your thoughts heard (intellectual), and experience (experiential), the bond is not able to be fully formed.

Sexual intimacy can be displayed in many ways, from foreplay to the act of sex. For kinksters like myself, it can be rope bondage or a sensual massage. It does not have to be sexual intercourse, only an act that seems sexual to you.

The Why of It

Now that we know about what intimacy is and how it’s formed, let’s talk about why we should schedule time for it. In the beginning, I spoke of how life has a way of getting in the way of our plans. When you have a set time and date scheduled for the sole purpose of reconnecting with your partner, you limit the events that can potentially hinder your desire for intimacy. Added to that, the thought of knowing you will be meeting for the purpose of intimacy may give you a positive outlook on the day. The anticipation that is created will most likely make those intimate moments better too.

Couples with small children, those with busy work schedules, and others who travel frequently benefit greatly from having an intimacy date planned. It ensures that you are making time for your partner, friends, and other important people in your life, but you’re also making time for yourself. Instead of using intimacy as the glue that holds your relationships together, you start to use intimacy to strengthen those relationships.

Taking the time

The first step in scheduling for intimacy is to figure out a time that works for both of you. When do you both have the energy and time flexibility? If you have children, will this time work around a sitter? It needs to fit around the other things you find important. You could use the same time and day each week or choose after the current intimacy date.

 I have found that the date and time for myself and Mister K changes each week. Sometimes it feels like I am just fitting it into my schedule, but that’s the point, you’re supposed to. It’s just as important (maybe more so) as appointments, work, and social engagements.

If you are unable to find the time, there may be an underlying issue that needs to be discussed. A lack of desire to be intimate could seem like a lack of desire in your partner. Be clear about what your concerns are and why your head isn’t in the game. Communication is the first step to intimacy and an essential part of any relationship.

Flexibility

Flexibility is important in any partnership.  Sometimes we have to do activities we don’t enjoy because it makes the other person happy, like eating at that weird restaurant or going shopping. These small acts show your appreciation for your partner. When people feel appreciated, they’re more likely to reciprocate appreciation as well.

But the flexibility I’m talking about isn’t about doing activities you don’t like. It’s about being flexible in what type of intimacy happens during the date. Will every intimacy date be sexy and consist of you both being half-naked (or fully) and doing dirty things to each other? Probably not. And that’s good because we’ve learned there are other types of intimacy as well.

Since you already have the time scheduled, this could be an opportune moment to discuss any concerns and also check-in to see what is working well and what has room for improvement. By ensuring that time is taken to let each partner have their say, you can move on to how you really want to spend your intimate time.

Try to be open to experiencing new things (experiential), having long conversations (intellectual), or voicing your concerns and desires (emotional). These small moments can and will make your sexual intimacy that much better.

When Planning meets Life

It happens. You have to cancel due to a sick child, a needy family member, or the stove catching fire. Try not to let these moments change your perception. This is another area where flexibility is crucial. Maybe your date can be rescheduled or shortened. You can also change the intimacy you want to share, so it takes less time or fits into what you (or your partner) require at that moment. There is no wrong way to have an intimacy date. It’s yours, make it what you want. Be honest with your partner about how you feel, they may be feeling that way too.

If rescheduling or compromising won’t work this week, there’s always next. The most important thing is that you’re taking the time for your partner and yourself. When you learn to use these intimacy dates for what needs to be enhanced in your relationship, the when’s and how’s won’t be as important as the whys. And as we know, the why is because intimacy strengthens our relationships. So instead of using sex as the glue to hold your relationship together, use intimacy to make it the best it can be.

For more about improving relationships, D/s or BDSM, see Let’s Talk About.