Submission 365: Days 9-11

Days 9-11 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from The Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission- A Journal of submissive self-discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered on this site are part of a personal project and hold no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com

Days 1-3

Days 4-5

Days 6-8

Day 9

Complete this sentence. I own an apology to…

My body.

I’m sure this question is supposed to be directed toward a person, but I thought about all the people I could apologize to and decided that while some things I have done are apology worthy, I don’t think any of them were done out of malice, or harmful intent. And anything that needed apologizing for, I hope I have already done so (if I owe you, I’m open to conversation). Carrying the guilt of owing an apology is not something I like to do, so I get rid of it as fast I can, by communicating.

But I’ve never apologized to my body.

It has survived abuse, neglect, and malnutrition (all three sometimes at my own hand, but mostly not). It has overcome addiction, illness, and mistreatment. Growing and housing and then birthing two small humans should be considered a miracle. And yet, I tell it it’s not thin enough, tall enough, tanned enough. I tell it that it has too many grey hairs and cringe at my stretch marks. I tell it its breasts are too small and starting to droop, and its tummy is a bit rounder than it should be. Mostly I say it isn’t good enough.

I apologize for letting others (media and actual people) tell it that it needs to look a certain way, or dress in a certain style. That its hair needs to be longer, more brown and less red. That it’s genitalia isn’t picture worthy. Or that it needs to eat healthy, when it really wants chocolate, or that it must run when it’s tired. Mostly I’m sorry for not listening to it more.

I expect it to be perfect, and yet the soul it carries is so far from it.

My body is an amazing thing, and I apologize for not recognizing that.

Day 10

“A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealously is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity. – Robert Heinlein

I believe jealousy is a very unbecoming trait. It causes people to do despicable things and act in unsavory ways. But I also know, jealousy is really only an emotion, and fear drives it. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough. So, while I don’t understand jealousy, I do understand fear. Very well. The quote talks about how competence and self-confidence makes a person incapable of jealousy, but I beg to differ.

Mister K is a jealous man. Not of others, but of my time. Yet, I am not a jealous person. I like my solitude and time to myself, finding contentment in my own thoughts. Am I more competent or self-confident than Mister K? No. But we also have different fears.

Mister K fears loss, and the idea of being alone. And while I understand that fear and appreciate his love and desire to have me in his life forever, I have lost many, and understand that loneliness isn’t about who you’re with/not with, it is also just an emotion. You can be surrounded by people and still feel completely alone. I am not afraid of loss, as I know how ro start again.

So, what am I afraid of? Being unhappy. Unhappy with life, with love or anything at all. That makes it so I don’t get jealous when I see something I want, I go get it. And, as for relationships, if one person makes you unhappy, and another doesn’t, you SHOULD move on, as hard or as sad as it is. Remaining in an unhappy relationship will benefit no one. I think that my mindset around this scares Mister K the most.

I’ve never been a jealous person, in what others have/had, or of a partner and their time. I have a belief that we all have the responsibility to be happy, and it’s on us to do so. No one can give it to you, you have to build it yourself.

Day 11

What are you thankful for in your relationship or with your partner?

Security and stability. Mister K is dependable, but more than that he’s a constant. As a kid, I moved a lot, and having new foster parents and new schools meant new rules, and new ways to disappoint people. Mister K is familiar, safe, and consistent. I know how he will react to situations, and that I can rely on him. I know what to expect from him.

The home that Mister K and I own is where I’ve lived the longest in my life (10 years). Before that, the longest I had lived in one place or with one family was five years. It took me three years to unpack all my boxes because I had learned to leave things packed as a coping mechanism, so moving wouldn’t be so much work (or seem much like a displacement). Finally, tired of moving them around, Mister K asked me when I was “going to move in”. It really made me realise that I would leave things packed with the anticipation of change, and I wasn’t really ever claiming a space for myself, even when I paid the lease. Finally placing my possessions on shelves was an odd feeling, as satisfying as it was uncomfortable.

But I’ll also say sometimes, I desire change. Whether because it’s what I am used to, or because I start to feel anxious that something uncontrollable may happen after being in one place too long, I’m unsure. Perhaps I simply need a vacation. Something to think about…

Until next time!

Be her anchor, make her feel safe.

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Header image for Days 9-11 first used in I offer my Hand and Gift it to You.