Touch, Orgasms, and Fantasies–Reader Question

Reader’s Comment: In reply to 5 kinky alternatives when you’re on your period.

How to touch a woman?? How to orgasm during sex?? How to get aroused without fantasy??

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Last year, I wrote a post titled: 5 Kinky Alternatives When You’re on Your Period. If you haven’t read it, I give tips about how to continue being sexual, when menstruating. Many choose not to take part in vaginal-penile or penetration sex during menses, and that’s okay because as I suggest in the post, there are many alternatives.

However, this comment/question from Laila didn’t ask about sex during menstruation. She asks about how to touch a woman, how to achieve orgasm during sex, and how to get aroused without fantasy.

Although three different topics of discussion, I am going to fit them all into one post. Mainly to simplify a response for Laila, but also because they are connected, even if in a roundabout way.

How to Touch a Woman

There are the obvious spots, such as the vaginal region for a woman, which include the pubic mound, clitoris and labia. And the penile region for a man, which includes the glans, frenulum, scrotum and testicles. Of course, if you’re still in the beginning phases of a relationship or sexual encounter, you may want to pursue other, less intrusive areas first (unless asked not to).

The body, whether she or he, is full of erogenous zones; areas that create sexual awareness and arousal when stroked, brushed, kissed, licked, etc. Thankfully, there are a wide variety of points on every body, because what arouses one person may not for another. As well, some men and woman may be drawn to one area more than others, whether because of preference or fetish.

Well-known Erogenous Zones:

– Mouth: this one is a given. For some, a lustful kiss is all it takes to stoke the fire.

– Ears, specifically the lobes. Loaded with nerves endings, this area is extremely sensitive. While you’re there, you can also take a moment to whisper all the ways you’d like to touch them.

– Areola (the coloured area surrounding the nipple), and nipples: Also a super sensitive area, meaning some will enjoy gentle licks, others pinches and pulling. For a new sensation, try a vibrator.

– Naval (bellybutton) and lower stomach: Being so close to the genitals, this area can be a great precursor to exploring the region further south (although this one may cause some self-conscious individuals to have the opposite response).

More to Touch (and lick and bite):

There are also areas that you may not have heard of or thought of:

– Neck: at the base, but also the sides. A gentle touch, a nibble or a soft blow can easily drive your partner wild. For some, having something encircle the entire circumference, like a hand (or hands), can be a tremendous turn on (please only initiate breath play if you understand the mechanics of the neck/throat and how to do it correctly. Failing to do breath play safely can cause death).

-Inner arm and armpits: While the armpits seem like an area to avoid, a soft touch along the back of the arm and into the armpit will make even the finest of hairs stand up on end

-The small of the back: Right where the elastic from panties or the band from pants would sit. Allowing your fingers to explore this area, kissing it, or a gentle massage, may be all it takes.

-the inner wrist: Seemingly innocent. Try brushing the sensitive spot with a single finger or nipping it gently for delicious sensations

And don’t forget, the feet, inner thighs, backs of the knees, and the palms of the hands. Getting to know how your partner enjoys being touched takes time. It takes conversations and paying attention to non-verbal cues. Ultimately, it takes the desire to get to know how they like to be touched. That alone will go a long way.

How to orgasm during sex??

I am assuming from the name Laila, this reader is female. And I’m sorry to say Laila, most people with vaginas don’t. Not without other types of stimulation. As stated in Medical News today, penetration exclusive intercourse will only help a woman achieve orgasm 6% of the time. Dr. Miller of lehmiller.com says 50% of women say they never orgasm. Ever! Personally, I think all women can achieve the big O, they just have to find what gets their motor running.

Finding the Clitoris

Being much larger than we give it credit for, the clitoris is the pleasure center of the vulva, and the female body. On the outside we only see the glans, which sits behind the clitoral hood. Most of the clitoris sits inside the body and is the source of the infamous g-spot. By pressing on it, sensations can be improved, making orgasm more likely.

External clitoral stimulation during vaginal-penile or penetration sex is also a great aide in achieving climax. Besides keeping juices flowing, making for a more comfortable experience for all participants, it helps the elasticity of the vagina, allowing it to adjust as needed.  

By using toys that reach different areas, you’re more likely to achieve orgasm as well. There are other spots too, like the A-spot (found in the anus). By exploring erogenous zones, you may discover where you like to be touched, which can only increase your pleasure during sex.

Those Erogenous Zones Again

Those zones that we previously discussed are called erogenous zones for a reason. Think of them as little pleasure buttons. Some women can orgasm from having just those zones stimulated. Everyone is different, so the trick is to keep exploring until you find what works for you. And really, exploration is half the fun!

Foreplay

If you’re worried about climaxing before your partner, foreplay is a great way to ensure they get their turn. Foreplay can be anything that gets you aroused. It can be stimulating the erogenous zones discussed here, oral sex, or manual stimulation (mutual or solo masturbation). It can be erotic massage. There is no right or wrong way to engage in foreplay as long as it’s consensual and about helping you and your partner enjoy the experience.

By taking care of your partner’s arousal before sex, not only do you increase their chances of reaching orgasm, but you’re improving their overall experience. Seems like a good return for a small amount of investment.

If you’ve tried everything and still cannot reach a climax, it could be a physiological problem, like hormones, menopause, pregnancy, the list goes on. A simple doctor’s appointment can be a great first step in solving this very common, yet vexing problem. Please, don’t be embarrassed. Even those of us in optimal shape and know how our bodies respond, sometimes have trouble climaxing.

How to get aroused without Fantasy

As a writer of erotica, I’m unsure why someone wouldn’t want to have fantasies. They not only help sexual beings discover what works for them but also provide mental stimulation. Women use their brains first during sex; meaning that the thoughts that form inside their minds will be the basis for their sexual experience. Fantasy can be exactly what’s needed to get aroused and is more common than not.

Many women rely on fantasies to achieve orgasm independently, and it naturally runs over into partnered sex. Having sexual thoughts about something or someone other than your partner is very normal. It should not be a cause for guilt. The only time its problematic is if it leads to faked orgasms or sexual avoidance. Fantasies should be thought of as a tool, not the basis for our sexual experiences. Nevertheless, if it causes you anxiety, try incorporating your fantasies into your real-life sexual adventures. Some acts are better in actual time, and some are completely horrible. It’s all about discovery.

It’s understandable, if not somewhat impractical, that a partner may want to be the sole source of pleasure. If that is the case, foreplay is your best bet. By discovering all the places your partner likes to be touched, foreplay will be that much better.

Talk about It

Humans are complicated; therefore, communication is the best way to learn what your partner likes/dislikes. Have those conversations. Talk about your fantasies. By creating open dialogue about what works and what doesn’t, you can save yourselves and your relationships (whether short or long term) a lot of trial and error. And if you don’t know what you like, say so. Most partners will be happy to help you find out.

To my readers: While this is not a complete instruction manual to the female (or vagina owner’s) body, orgasm, or mind, I hope it helps. My inbox is always open and I’m happy to answer questions. Be advised that I am not a professional sex counsellor or educator, and cannot replace the advice of a trained professional. My nursing degree only covered the basics, the rest came from my own self-discovery.

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