Trust Me to Trust You

“Do you trust me?”

In the past, this question would have made me run full speed for the nearest exit. If you have to question whether or not I trust you, there’s a good chance I shouldn’t. In the world outside of my D/s dynamic, that has been proven to be true, more times than I care to share. But here, in this space with this person, I know without a doubt, “yes, I trust you.”

There is no longer a need for me to think about my response. It comes naturally, just like “yes, sir” or “yellow” (red still takes a bit more work). But it wasn’t always like this. Like all parts of a D/s dynamic, it took time, patience, and work. And once you reach that level of trust, it still takes time, patience, and work. Nothing is final in D/s.

It’s constantly expanding, growing, and evolving, as it should.

Even with our decade of years spent together, I had to learn a new level of trust with Mister K when we started D/s. My doubts came from my past experiences leading me to believe in something that was otherwise untrue: because others had been untrustworthy, he may be too. I had no reason to believe this, but that’s usually how things go. It’s a form of conditioning created in our minds to keep us safe.

Change is hard in the best of situations, uncontrollable change even harder. Thankfully, this was a situation that I stepped into willingly, and that made it easier to let my guard down. Mister K had never intentionally hurt me before, so I had no reason to believe he would now, but then again, self-preservation is hardwired inside us.

As I stood blindfolded awaiting that first strike, I knew his question wasn’t about whether or not I trusted him. It was really a way to get inside my head, make me think something worse than I already did. It was a way to make the power exchange a tangible thing. Something I could feel, hold onto.

At that moment, he had succeeded.

We had played before and used a blindfold before, but this would be the first time we would try impact play. I had been curious about it for years, but now that it was finally happening, I was worried that I had made a mistake. What if I didn’t like it, What if I couldn’t handle the pain, What if I loved it but got hurt, and Mister K never wanted to do it again? As in many cases before, my doubts were unwarranted.

His hand slid over my cool skin, warming it like putty in his hands. The more he rubbed, the warmer I became until eventually, I was pushing my bottom back into him. Without warning the first lash came, and I gasped as I absorbed the shock of it. At first, the only thing I could feel was the sting, but within seconds the pain faded, and a feeling of warmth took over.

While I was deciding if I liked it or not, Mister K was watching the mark blossom across my backside. As a single finger teased that line, his breathing changed, and I knew he was enjoying the spread of red across my skin. He stepped back and I waited for that second strike, but it didn’t come. I waited and he waited, but nothing. I could hear both our breathing, the ticking of a nearby clock, but yet, we both remained still.

And then I got it.

I was worried about being able to trust him with my vulnerability, but he was also worried about whether he could trust me. Trust me to safe word, to tell him how I was feeling, and most importantly, to allow him to take the lead.

Once I grasped this, “green” was spoken with gusto, that single word pushed from the depths of my submission. I don’t know how long we played that day, or how many lashes I took. Those details were not important. What was, was that we had learned that we could depend on the other to fulfill their part of the agreement. Our trust in each other was once again confirmed.

Since that day, I have not had reason to question my trust in Mister K. I still have moments where I find it difficult to disclose something or perform an order or task that is new, but those are doubts in myself more so than him. Learning to trust yourself is just as important, if not more so than knowing where you can place your trust.

It’s also a bigger obstacle to overcome.

You’d think that if there was any one person who you can trust explicitly, it’s yourself. How I wish that were true. Learning to trust me and my choices has been an ongoing battle for many years. Decisions can be stuck inside my head on repeat for days, if not weeks in a constant loop.  The “what-if’s and “should I have’s”, filling the spaces in between. It has not gotten better, but I do stand by my choices with less rumination now. I see that as a win.

Mister K has been an incredible ally in my journey to learn to trust myself and my decisions. Having a person who aides me in trusting myself encourages me to trust others. I see no flaws to this part of our dynamic, only success.

To see who else is writing about trust for #wickedwednesday, hit the bullseye.

For more about topics of BDSM and D/s, see Let’s talk About or maybe you want more about MrsK? You’ll find that in Submissive Journal.

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