Truth will set you Free

Truth will set you Free

Mister K and I had been together for many years before I decided I needed to broach “that” topic. I knew for longer than I care to admit, but could never quite find the courage to start this specific conversation. What would he say? Would he be excited, or would the carefully crafted walls we had built come tumbling down around us? Was it worth it for a little bit of liberation from my invisible cage? Could I continue life as we knew it after this secret was out? Could I live with my truth, without living my truth?

It took me 2 months, five days and 16 hours to finally work up the courage. I hummed, and hawed and eventually said fuck it. The day had come, I couldn’t carry this secret anymore, and in an unusual bout of bravery I blurted, “I have something to tell you, something you may not like. Can we set a time to talk about it?”

I said it so fast, I worried he may not have heard me. The words were garbled inside my mouth, feeling more like bubblegum than a confession. I worried more that I may need to say them again and I took a couple of steps back, setting myself up for an escape.

His first visual response was curiosity, and then as my words sunk in, I saw other emotions dance across his face. Some, I had prepared for. Others not so much. I knew I would see confusion, but fear said he was thinking something that would change his opinion of me, and in that look, the doubt from so many sleepless nights came rushing back.

“Nevermind, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” I continued, maintaining my reversed steps.

To this his eyebrows rose, the tops almost touching his hairline. Not used to me being anything less than forward when I spoke, I saw the look of concern return. He waited patiently for me to continue, knowing that my self-doubt would give way to what I really wanted to say. It always does.

“No, it’s important to me. But nothing bad, I don’t think. But you might? Do you have some time free? Soon?”

“Just let me finish this up and I’ll give you my undivided attention. A few hours at most.” He said cautiously. He was wondering how to avoid the discomfort I could tell, but being the man of integrity he is, knew it would happen either way and it could be on his terms or it could be thrown on him. Better to be his.

The minimal hours passed and I felt my nerves creep in. Sweaty palms, jittery hands. My heart rate raced, the thump, thump, thump feeling like a drum inside my chest. My breathing was ragged, I couldn’t get enough air and for a brief moment, I thought I would faint. Sensing my discomfort, Mister K sat me down, rubbed my back, and sat with me until my breathing had somewhat returned to normal.

I sensed the atmosphere in the room change before his roaming hands became more focused, more purposeful. The light touches on my back became soft caresses, then more determined strokes. I became so caught up in the moment that I forgot why we were there, or maybe subconsciously I was taking this moment of connection to redefine my goal.

His hands continued their exploration, and mine followed suit. The room filled with sounds of our mingled moans, the floor resembled a warzone, littered with our discarded clothing. Like we knew this would be the end of something, but the beginning of another, we took the time to enjoy each other’s bodies, to memorise the lines of legs, the roundness of hips. Our finger-tips skimmed the others’ skin and our joining was sweet and slow.

The orgasm that followed was not out of this world. Like times before, it followed a long build-up, a slow ascent. The tumble into space, sweet and carefree. Also like times before it was good, lovely even, but it didn’t scratch that itch. He knew it, and I most definitely knew it. It had been an unspoken issue between us for too long for me to remember. Even in our post-coital bliss, it was there.

“Okay, I’m ready to tell you now.” I began. I felt his body tense. The putting off of this conversation had run its course. The time had come, we must proceed. At that moment, I knew there was no going back.

Sitting up, I placed my hands in my lap. My nudity feeling more like discomfort than the show of bravery I was used to. One hand fiddled with the other, my fingers interlacing, picking, pulling apart only to come back together.

“What did you have to say?” Mister K asked as he took my hand, more to keep me from fidgeting than to give me a show of solidarity, I thought.

Taking a deep breath, I just let it fall from my lips.

“I’ve been needing to tell you for a long time. I knew even before I met you that I had this… thing inside of me. Not a thing, more like a trait, or a…I don’t know. I have a kinky side, I guess. I have a need to be submissive. Yes, in the bedroom, but also in like, real life. Every day. I’m interested in BDSM and Dominance and Submission and I feel like a part of me is missing, but I think that this is the part and I don’t know what to do about it, but it keeps coming up and I keep pushing it down and I can’t fight it anymore. It’s calling me and I know I belong there, but I’m terrified to go alone, and even more terrified that you won’t want this too. But I had to tell you, even if this means something I don’t want it to.”

My entire body deflated at that moment. If I could have sunk into the floor, I would have gladly gone, never to be seen again. But Earth’s laws of physics kept me planted solidly, and awkwardly in place.

Those words didn’t make sense, I knew. They came out in a rush, even though I had practiced my speech time and time again. I waited for his response and for a long time none came, but I knew I had done the right thing, even though I didn’t know the outcome. I knew because even though it felt awkward, and even though I thought I might die from embarrassment, it felt like a weight had been lifted.

I know that is a very cliché thing to say, and if someone had said those words to me, I would have scoffed at it. But that’s exactly what it feels like to be free, to be liberated. You don’t have the weight of your worries dragging  you down.

I felt something inside me change. By admitting this part of me, out loud for the first time, I was able to see it clearly, and in that moment of transparency, I found acceptance. My prior self seemed shrouded under a dark cloud, but on that day the cloud was gone, the sun shining brightly above me. Even naked, feeling alone and very afraid, I knew there was no going back from this. I had chosen to live my truth and it felt good!

The conclusion of this story can found here.

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