Using Ritual to Reestablish D/s Connection

I don’t experience what is known as sub drop often, although Mister K would say too often for his liking. It can sometimes be difficult to deal with the lows that come with the highs of BDSM. For too long I thought that it was a feeling of shame that created these moments of self-doubt. Shame that I craved impact play or enjoyed being treated in a derogatory way. Shame that I would want to crawl at Mister K’s feet and get aroused when he pulled my hair and called me a slut. While having these lows, I would ask for moments with Mister K where he would cuddle with and caress me and whisper sweet words in my ear. But those moments made me feel lower, needier, and not in the sexual way that I would normally enjoy.

I am not generally a cuddly person. I don’t particularly enjoy hugging or being touched. Even with my children, I have to actively remember that they need physical interaction, as well as emotional. It took me out of my comfort zone to have this sudden need. The emotions that came with craving physical touch left me just as confused as the shame I felt for craving D/s.

Missing Connections

I had tried to use the methods that had been suggested by others in the lifestyle to get out of my funk; hot baths, scented candles, favourite foods. I would have coffee with friends but couldn’t really discuss my lack of vibrancy with them. How could they understand? I would try spending time alone but quickly realised that made the issue worse not better.

It finally came to me that I wasn’t lacking physical closeness or emotional security, it wasn’t shame or feelings of doubt that made me feel less than. What I was missing was the connection. When in a scene with Mister K it seems the whole world fades away. It is just the two of us in that space and as I commit to my submissive headspace and his leadership, I find a sort of energy that exists, an invisible tether that links us.

The connection I feel when we’re together makes me feel whole and empowered even when my hair is being pulled and my face is being slapped. I can be present at the moment and not have any outside interference, but when the scene ends and reality reaffirms its place in my life, I would feel that connection slowly being stretched thin. The longer we would go between scenes the more disconnected I would become, and it would become harder to get back to where I thought I should be.

When Connection is Misplaced

As time has passed, I have noticed that there are times when that connection can be subconsciously pushed to the side. Not only after a scene or especially difficult task but also when Mister K has had a long day at work and isn’t feeling like he’s one hundred per cent, or the kids have been especially trying. When plans are changed unexpectedly, or our time alone is cut short. That connection is not gone, but it is not at the forefront of my mine or Mister K’s mind and our bond is what suffers.

Nobody can be in scene or in the power exchange mindset at all times. While it would be nice to permanently remain in a submissive headspace, it’s not possible realistically. Life has a way of showing you what is important, even when you think it’s not. I’ve found that I require a little bit of help to get my head back in the game from time to time. It can be a simple as a word, or a perfectly designed touch but over the years, we’ve created rituals to reestablish that connection.

Routines become Ritual

Rituals can be used in many ways. Even in the vanilla world, we use rituals regularly, but as we haven’t named them as such, we don’t think of them in that way. Having a routine is performing a ritual, as it is just an act or series of acts that are regularly repeated in a specific manner for the desired outcome. When you look at your day to day life, I’m sure you’ll find rituals are more apparent than you first thought. A specific route to work, an exercise routine, or how you start each day may have all become ritual, or habits if you prefer.

I have implemented many rituals into my life. Some are for the vanilla part, but more so they are for the kink side. While I follow a schedule each day in the vanilla world, there is room for variation as needed. In the kink side of things, variation is limited as this keeps me and Mister K knowing what to expect, but also enforces that the ritual is followed to our expectations.

Rituals don’t have to be big elaborate ordeals for them to work as desired. Personally, I think it’s best if they aren’t. And although long rituals and ceremonies have their place in the kink world, sometimes keeping it simple is the best course of action.

Simple Rituals

I call them simple rituals because they take very little effort, although a bit of practice. Each of these started as protocols and became habits (which we learned is what rituals are). You’ll notice that I (the bottom) am not the only contributor to these rituals, as a dynamic includes more than one person, the responsibility to follow through falls to both as well.

Good Morning Texts

As I get up with Mister K each day, this isn’t used often, but there are times when he leaves without waking me. If I find that when I awaken it feels like I need to reach out, a text is a perfect way to do so. It lets Mister K know that I need to reconnect to our bond and ensures that he’ll know what to say when he calls, and he always does. Taking the time to mentally prepare the message as well as writing the words “Good morning, Sir.” do a great job of reminding me that my submission is valued and I have someone who calls me theirs.

Mid-Day Calls

Each day on his lunch hour Mister K calls me. A specific time is not set, but I know it will be between noon and one o’clock (a good way to keep me aware of the time). During the call, we talk about how our day is going and I am given any directions Mister K thinks I will need for the remainder of the day. Sometimes it is only so he can ask me who I belong to. This reestablishes our connection but also assists to enforce our power exchange. It helps realign me to my submissive headspace and reaffirms our bond. The call time was set for this purpose as the day is half gone, and this is usually when I feel the submissive headspace starting to slip.

Arrival greeting

This is my favourite ritual of the day, although we have two variations of it. One is for just us when we can be fully in D/s mode. The other is if there are others present.

When Mister K arrives home each day, I stop whatever I’m doing and go to the door. I take his lunch bag, and get him a fresh coffee, placing it on the table and then if we are alone, I kneel and ask if I can suck his cock. He generally doesn’t say yes, but once in a while he still surprises me.

If we are in the presence of others, I still claim his lunch box and get his coffee, but I kiss him on the cheek and whisper in his ear “Hello, Sir”. He’ll reply with, “Hello, Slut” or “Little girl” (this is a good indicator to me about what his mood is like and what he will need from me), and we carry on as if nothing happened, but inside each of us, a big change has occurred.

This small but powerful ritual signifies our power exchange clearly and also puts each of us into our needed headspace. This also allows me to hand Mister K the reins, so to speak.

Spankings

Most think of spankings as consequences, but they can also be used to reestablish a connection-these are known as maintenance spankings. When I am feeling separated from my submission, I will talk out of turn, roll my eyes or use a tone that Mister K doesn’t appreciate. When this happens and it does, it falls on Mister K to know that a spanking is what I need to realign our dynamic.

The purpose isn’t to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong, it is to remind me that I haven’t been as submissive as I want to be. There is no such thing as a bad submissive, only submissives that are allowed to be bad (it’s a great quote, although I’m not sure where I heard it).

Mister K leaves me to decide on the implement that will be used (I usually choose his hand). I am to kneel and present myself and state why the spanking is taking place. Not only does this remind me that I have not been in the proper headspace, but it also drives me to feel submissive to him. Kneeling and presenting yourself for a spanking is an excellent way to clarify a power exchange.

Rituals for Tops

I think it’s a common misconception that Doms (Dommes) don’t have moments of lows and self-doubts or that they experience drop after a scene. But they are human and as such are just as complicated emotionally as bottoms. Their needs must be taken care of as well, whether that is by their submissive or themselves. Mister K has a ritual he uses before each scene to get his mind ready for the upcoming task (which I won’t talk about here as it’s personal to him), but also one when he arrives home each day.

Before entering the home, he takes time to sit in his car and form his thoughts. He lets the days’ drama and hustle go so that when he walks through the door he can be the leader that my submission requires. This time allows him to enter his Dominant headspace, but it also gives him a moment to be just him. Not an employee or a boss. Not a husband or father and definitely not a Dom. Just Mister K. It also gives him time to focus and appreciate that when he comes inside a person is waiting for him to make decisions that affect not only his life but hers as well.

Fixing Issues before they Begin

So, by now you’re wondering why I started with drop and finished with rituals. Well, rituals enable us to put our energy into proactively preventing drop. Will it work all the time? Of course not, nothing has a fail-safe switch in D/s. The theory for using rituals is that by utilising them we are following our path to becoming our full authentic selves. By recognising what initiates the drop to happen in the first place, we can find ways to eliminate those difficulties, most of the time.

Sometimes rituals won’t work the way you had hoped they would, and that’s okay. The most important part is that you acknowledge the emotions that you are feeling and communicate with your partner about what you need. Some days meeting our needs may be as simple as a hug, others it may take an entire formal ceremony with collaring and mantras. Do what works for you, but that first step should always be allowing those emotions their due and working through them, together.

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