Words that Define Us

Words that Define Us

The word label doesn’t carry a very positive connotation for me. As a society, we’ve learned to use labels to place people and things neatly into our pre-determined boxes. They belong here, she belongs there, I belong somewhere else. Many times we use labels to divide us, to tell others that they are different from us and also that we are more or less than each other. Somewhere along the way we’ve forgotten that the words we use to describe should define us, not devalue us.

For Mister K and I, the words we use to define our dynamic, marriage, and roles within our home have changed many times over the years. Many years ago, we were “Friends with benefits”, then boyfriend and girlfriend. Then we became were boyfriend/girlfriend and Dom/sub. When we got married it changed from bf/gf to Husband and wife, but the D/s was still affixed to us. The changing of our labels didn’t change who we were or how we felt. They served to tell others who we are to each other, in relation to them.

To the outside world, these labels are important. My grandmother, for instance, believed that we were “living in sin” when we were cohabitating but not married. But being “married” hasn’t changed anything in terms of how we view each other, so maybe the labels aren’t important to the people being labeled, but more so for the people who use them…

Defining “US”

Submissive

I fall under this category and am very much submissive, most of the time. I have days when my head is filled with all kinds of unsubmissivy (like my new word?) things though. But because I am submissive doesn’t mean I will be submissive to everyone. I am Mister K’s submissive, and there is no other person that I could be that for, without Mister K’s permission of course.

For the purpose of our dynamic, the term submissive tells us that I am the bottom and am the one who follows orders. But it is also a part of who I am, and defines who I am, within myself. I’ve never introduced myself as a submissive. In areas where this may be needed, most know who and what I am because of my actions, not my label.

Dominant

Mister K doesn’t like this title much. He thinks it contains things that he is not quite comfortable with. Because it is viewed as a negative by many people in the vanilla world, it has been hard for Mister K to view it as a role and not “a horrible person inflicting harm on others everywhere he goes”. Obviously, Dominants are not in general horrible people, but the world has made the label tied to this role very demeaning. Adjusting from the “vanilla” world to the “kink” world has been challenging for Mister K, even though he’s earned the title very well.

Masochist

This is a strange label, with so many meanings. No two masochists will have the same desires and therefore it’s not a good label to define a person’s interests, in my opinion. It is a term that encompasses too many personalities to be a true label. It doesn’t really define anything, just pushes many different things into one category. These are the worst sort of labels, the ones created to divide us instead of uniting us.

While the definition of masochist works for me, I know other submissives that do not like pain in the physical sense. They enjoy humiliation, but not degradation. If we use the definitions, they may not fit under that category, although they know themselves to be masochists.

I also know of people who do not enjoy pain, but it arouses them all the same. How do we label them?

Sadist

It’s often thought that in a D/s relationship if there is a masochist, there must be a sadist. But Mister K is anything but. While he does have sadistic traits, causing actual harm to me is not something that he can do with a clear conscious. We don’t use physical interactions for any sort of punishment and the pain he does inflict on me is done with the desire to please me, not to serve his needs. He gets aroused from my arousal, and so, he’s learned to wield a whip and carve a paddle, for my selfish desires.

Divide “US”

Little Girl

Mister K often calls me Little Girl. It is part of our dynamic and came about rather organically. I don’t care for the name as it makes me feel like a child and due to past abuse, I have a strong aversion to lg/DD titles. The dynamics don’t bother me, but I could not be in one. Calling Mister K Daddy would make me feel very uncomfortable. I don’t even call him that in front of our children. It is strictly Daddi-o with them and started when our oldest was young and I said, “way to go Daddi-o” after he gave our son his first bath.

The first time he called me Little girl it got my attention, and that was all it took for it to stick. He realised that he got a reaction and that I stopped whatever I was doing when it was used. It is now used when he feels he needs to explain something, or he wants to know that I am listening. It works, although I wish it didn’t. Mister K says it has to do with my size and not my maturity (I can guarantee I am the more mature of us), but it makes me feel a little bit small. While this label is used to define who I am to Mister K, it feels like it places me somewhere I don’t want to be. I think that is part of the reason he uses it.

Slut

Slut is another label used a lot in our dynamic. Mister K likes to call me a slut in scene, out of scene, when he wants to be cute, or he knows I need to be put back into my submissive headspace. He also knows it works with my humiliation kink and gets my “motor running”. I quite enjoy this one, but of course, it’s not appropriate for all occasions. My grandmother would not be impressed to hear this word and would let us know.

This label is more of an honorific, but sadly can only be used in private. Although he has no qualms about using it at lifestyle events. It has been often combined with other labels too like “Mine” to become “My slut”. That one gives me tingles!

Sir

The term “Sir” is fairly new to our dynamic. In the beginning, Mister K didn’t care for it much. He thought it felt kind of “stuffy” and “pretentious”. As a man who works physical labour and is often covered in dirt and grime, it seemed to him like a word that didn’t truly define him. When we talked about it I mentioned that “Grease Monkey” wasn’t a very good name either and while we laughed about it, he understood my point.

Sir has become my go-to when in “the zone”. It was always the term I used to address him in my head all those times before we became D/s. In those days when BDSM was still very fixed in my fantasies, it seemed like Sir was the word to use. Of course, that was based on what I had witnessed in movies and within books. Since then, I have learned that many other honorifics are used. Some of my favourites are “Captain”, “Emperor”, and “My Lord.” Even though I know it could be easily changed, Sir just seems to stay with me.

Amante

Amante is Spanish for “Lover”. It is what I call Mister K when we are alone, when I text him and answer his calls throughout the day. It is our name for when we aren’t in scene but I still want him to know I am speaking to his Dominant side, not his husband side. While those are part of the same person, they really are two different people. And just when I thought love couldn’t be any more confusing….

It was developed through me studying Spanish and I found it to be a good substitute for Sir. In my cell phone, his name displays as “Mi Amante Dominante”, “My Dominant Lover”. The fact that he didn’t seem to mind it either and that I am slowly teaching him a second language makes it fun and enjoyable for us both. It also suits him a bit more than other labels as he is an affectionate and loving partner. I used to find Amante to be very “romantic”, which didn’t fit into my box of what BDSM should look like. So while I still use it, it has taken time for me to relate it to him as a whole.

US

Mister K/MrsK

This is how the world sees us. These are out true initials and so these titles (labels?) work well in all settings. And you thought the K was strictly for KINK. Sorry, but no.

If outsiders think it odd that we address each other this way, I haven’t noticed yet. Most people think it’s cute and that it shows that we are newly wedded and “in love”. It really is just another way for us to stay inside our D/s roles, even when in public. I like that it is a secret between us, but it tells the truth too. It makes it so we don’t feel like we’re hiding our true selves. I think that’s important for our dynamic as I don’t enjoy having to pretend to be someone I’m not. Mister K is very apprehensive about outsiders discovering our kinky side though, so this is also a way for us to compromise.

As I mentioned in Pursuing Pleasure, Mister K doesn’t need labels or honorifics. He knows I am his without fancy words or titles. But the words we use tell others how they should treat us. If I was to introduce myself as MrsK to a new Dom(me), he/she would not think I was a submissive at first glance, I’m sure. But by having the title little girl (which I would never use) or Slut, most lifestylers would know my role quite easily. When I address him as Sir, they are aware that he is the “Top” in our dynamic.

THEM

I try not to use terms that label people in my life. When explaining a person’s qualities, I don’t highlight skin colour, gender, or religion. But sometimes the labels we hold are reasons to celebrate and not words to devalue. It’s important to remember our differences but to also remember that words can hurt if used incorrectly. Sometimes there is a fine line between the two, if you’re unsure, ask.

The need to organize people into the boxes we have formed in our minds drives our desire for labels. It gives us a way to tell things apart, know what we like and dislike and describe those things to others. But sometimes when placing labels on others we forget that each person is unique and has their own idiosyncrasies. The differences in each of us are what make us who we are. And I think that’s pretty great!

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