5 Things I learned from a FemDom

Until early 2020 (covid lockdown), I regularly spent every second Saturday at my local kink community’s Femdom events. While most of these were training events, some were play parties, others just social get-togethers. These events gave me some of the best training I have received in my meager years as a submissive. Training that I would not have received had I not opened myself to the experience that it allowed. In these circles, I met many people from all walks of life. Men, women, trans-men and women, non-binary folx, sissies, and everyone in between. There is no shortage of humans wanting to be dominated by a woman. And seemingly, no shortage of women willing to dominate.

Each week I would try to serve a new Top. When I say serve, I was there as a service sub. I ran errands, cleaned toys, fetched beverages, helped with aftercare, etc. There is a never-ending list of jobs needed at these events. I chose to serve someone new each week because it allowed me to learn others’ likes and dislikes, preferences, and get a feel for who they were as individuals.

A Walk on the Wild Side

My favourite couple is C & c. They have been living the D/slave lifestyle for over 25 years, all of them with her as the top and him as a devoted slave. They have been legally married for 20 years, and while she is strict and accepts nothing but perfection from her slave, I see the love between them that only that many years together can create. They often play with others outside of their dynamic, him being a bottom then too, and her? Well, I don’t think she has a submissive bone in her very lean, well-maintained body. When she’s in the room, it belongs to her, and everyone present knows she’s there.

They are quite the sight to behold, in scene or not, because for them there are no scenes. It is life and they are just living it. ‘c’ is a carpenter by trade but works only when his Mistress allows it. He has no access to money without permission, even if he’s the one earning it. He plays in a heavy metal band, as a guitarist and singer, his deep gravelly voice a perfect fit for the role. I have never once seen him sit on a piece of furniture.

Small but Mighty

She is a tiny woman, all of 5 feet 2 inches tall. But her size is deceiving, for when she speaks, everyone listens. Not because she demands it but because her dominance shines through so brightly that you can’t help but to stop and listen to her. She’s not my Mistress, but I have no qualms about calling her as such, it is a title that has been well earned.

‘c’ is not the type of man that you would think at first passing would be submissive to a woman, any woman. He’s well built, with a shaved head and a deep voice. He looks like a man, smells like a man, and talks like a man. When I first met him, we were setting out snacks and if he hadn’t told me that he was a slave, I never would have guessed. Upon asking him what made him choose to be submissive rather than dominant, he said “What makes you think I had a choice? We are who we are.” Those words have stuck with me to this day.

A role, on a Roll

Spending time with C & c taught me many things about dominance and submission. As a submissive woman in a D/s dynamic with a dominant man, I noticed some differences between these scenes and my own, the honorifics used to be the least of it. C always made sure to tell me what she was doing and better yet, why she was doing it. “Training is just words unless you know the purpose,” she said, giving my first lesson.

My time in this role was to allow me to serve in a way that wasn’t sexual. It was strictly about being a submissive, not a particular person’s submissive. In my journey to learn more about myself, I learned so much more about Female Dominance and Male submission. I have often heard it said that a submissive male is weak, but as a submissive myself I know that’s not true. Submitting yourself to another shows a strength that many do not have. I have also heard it said that female dominants just haven’t met the right man yet. Well, if you believe that is the case, I introduce you to the teachings of Mistress C.

Submission is a mindset. The gender or sex of a person is second to that.

While talking with a male Dom, he mentioned to me that it seemed that capable and even successful women seem to make the best submissives. They know their power in the vanilla world but appreciate the ability to lay it in another’s hands, whether temporary or in a TPE.

I have found some truth to this. As a woman who used to have a high-stress job and needed to be on call 24/7, it was refreshing to put the boss pants away and let someone else take the lead. I liked it so much, I signed up to do it all day, every day.

But to say that men can’t be submissives seems like a waste. They are also capable and know they have power. Some also choose to hand that power over to someone else. Anyone in a high-profile job will tell you it’s taxing to hold the reins all the time. The genitalia that you have in no way indicates whether you will be a good submissive. Submission is a mindset and everything else is second to that.

If we don’t allow women to be on Top, are we truly treating them as equals?

This one stuck with me. As someone who was raised on a very gender typical platform, the man being the boss and wearing the pants, I feel this statement deep in my bones. I choose to be submissive to a man, but my submission isn’t decided by gender. The ability to have that choice gives me equality and also power. But if we take that choice away and say that all must follow a gender approved role, we’re limiting equality, marginalizing minorities, and creating a place where abuse of power can happen, simply because one person is a man and the other not. To say that a man should lead simply because he is male is a huge step back in time, to the dark ages.

Femdoms make great tops because they are natural caregivers.

This one is a bit of a two-sided sword, but I’ll give it a go. In the history of mankind, men have routinely been hunters and fighters, women the gatherers, nurturers, and the bearers of the next generations. If you look at it historically, this statement is true. Women do seem to be better caregivers, simply because they’ve been doing it since the dawn of time.

But the way a woman’s brain is wired has a lot to do with this too. Men are wired to hunt, to focus on one task at a time, and to complete it as efficiently as possible. Whereas women have had to keep track of the young, gather next year’s seeds, and keep the fire burning simultaneously. When we think of it this way, it seems that women are more naturally suited as caregivers. They are able to keep track of more things at once.

With advances in technology and the evolution of humans, this role has changed. Women aren’t completing quite so many tasks anymore, and men have taken on more. But the way our brains work hasn’t changed a bit. So while some Femdoms do make better caretakers than male doms, I believe that this has more to do with evolution and less with gender-defined roles.

Anyone can Top for a short amount of time, but personality decides whether they stay there

In the ever-evolving world we now reside in, terms, roles, and preferences are constantly changing. There was once a time when a Dominatrix would have been scoffed at by the BDSM community, a Switch made to feel like a laughingstock. But the fluidity of these roles is no longer seen as a whim. These roles and titles are now accepted and embraced, a place set for each.

With that evolution, you can see which role fits you best. Submission is no longer just for some, dominance just for others. All can try their hands at playing either role. Some, like myself, will never try to act as the counterpart. I know I am submissive and the thought of being a Dom, even for a day, sets my heart racing and makes my palms sweaty. If I was asked to perform as a Top as part of my service, I would out of duty, but my personality does not have the makings to be a Dominant. Like c said, “what makes you think I had a choice? We are who we are.” To force an individual to act in a role that contrasts their personality, we’re asking for mishaps and injuries, as well as a breakdown in many dynamics. One more time for the kids in the back, submission is a mindset, everything else is second to that.

Most Femdoms started as Bottoms

This is true for C as well. 30 years ago, she was a bottom for a leatherman in Toronto. He taught her the ropes (so to speak) and after 3 years of serving him, she decided that being a bottom was not for her. She has never looked back but added that the experience she gained as a bottom has served her well many times as a top. C also believes that a Dominant hasn’t earned the title until they know what it is to be on the receiving end of that dominance. Very much a believer that if you can dish it, you better be able to take it.

This is something that has been pushed to the wayside in recent years. In a world where information is available at our fingertips, having a mentor is no longer a part of the BDSM plan.

In my experience many male ‘Dominants’ feel that it is beneath them to serve their bottoms, even just for a day, holding the gender roles as a defense. I have even heard it said that men should not submit to a woman, ever. I am thankful that I have a dynamic with a male dominant who believes that everything should be tried on himself first. Nobody likes a broken toy.

When we Come Together

If we take the time to learn about others and use that knowledge to make better selves, we can create a community that flourishes and is respected by the generations to come. By believing falsifies and pushing our beliefs where they are not warranted, progress and evolution can never happen. Femdom isn’t just a fetish, it’s a way of life like many other D/s dynamics. There is no right way for a dynamic to look, but plenty of ways to be in the wrong one.

As the community stretches to accommodate the evolution that constantly happens, there will be those who side against others. With a touch of compassion, a lot of decorum, and just a pinch of wonder, there can be room for us all under the umbrella. And while we’re all there, maybe we can learn from one another.

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