Exploring BDSM – Advice For Married Couples

After being married for a few years, things may start to feel mundane. Many couples (not all, but more than you’d think) suggest they need to spice things up, especially in the bedroom. And while I’m all for exploring new interests, learning new techniques and being as freely kinky as possible, BDSM is not for everyone and should not be dove into headfirst.

BDSM is a lifestyle, not an event to partake in when you need some excitement. If you’re looking for kinky sex, that is a different walk than bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. It is possible to enjoy kink without the entire BDSM title being applied, such as using bondage, or other BDSM related practices (spanking, cross-dressing, etc.), and it may be the avenue you choose to take. There’s one big reason I say this:

BDSM will NOT Fix your Marriage

BDSM is not a fix-all for the troubles that have taken years to manifest (hopefully they haven’t been there the entire time). In fact, if trust, respect, and honesty are missing from your relationship, BDSM will only make things worse. Without the ability to trust your partner, it will be impossible to let your guard down and enjoy exploring your limits, needs, and desires. Without honesty and respect, lines of communication will not be fully open, feelings will get hurt and both partners will be unsure how to proceed. These three things – trust, honesty, and respect- are the foundational pillars of BDSM. So, if they are not already established, you have some work to do.

My suggestion to you as a couple is to work on those things that are causing strife in your marriage before you add something as profoundly life changing as BDSM. Go to counselling, hash things out, and then and only then will you be ready to embark on the lifelong journey called BDSM. It’s your life, and you can do as you want, but if things go sideways, don’t say you weren’t warned.

BUT, if your relationship is great and you’ve decided to take the journey to a new, exciting and transformative world, welcome!

RESEARCH, REASEARCH, RESEARCH

The key to finding your place in the BDSM realm is to DO YOUR RESEARCH. Yes, I mean reading books, articles on-line and the like. But also, find a local community. Ask questions! There are no dumb ones when you’re new (even if you’re not, asking questions is a wonderful tool!). Most lifestylers are more than happy to aid newcomers in their quest.

Join a club (like the SafeworD/s club) where you can freely ask questions and perhaps find previous topics where tools, implements, or techniques have been discussed. Find a mentor. Someone who has been there and can help when you come to a bump in the road, because there will be humps and bumps and possible traffic jams. Creating a support system will enable you to get going when the going gets tough.

Define What You Want From BDSM

Are you a Top or a bottom? Looking for a just in the bedroom dynamic, or a 24/7 D/s relationship? Are you into a TPE (Total power exchange), or just being a slave for a day? Do you want to be in your role always or only sometimes? If you are unsure about any of these questions, there is a test you can take online called the BDSM test. It will ask an array of questions and, based on your (honest) answers, it will help guide you. Find the test here.

Your next step would be to complete a list of limits. Whether you are a top, bottom, submissive or switch, limits are parameters in which you will safely operate. Defining them is one of the most important parts of building your BDSM dynamic and should never be overlooked.

There are many limit checklists found on-line. Some will be basic, which I recommend staying clear of in the beginning. For your first jaunt through the world awaiting you, try to find a list that is thorough and explains concepts and acronyms you may not understand. The best way to discover what your limits are is to be honest (see how honesty fits into your new world?) and not let the items listed scare you. Sure, you may not be into scat, or mummification, but you may discover that your partner is, so setting this limit now, let’s your partner know your boundaries. For a recommended checklist, click here. This PDF list can be printed, completed and, once you’re ready, presented to your partner.

Safewords

In marriage, Safewords are uncommon (if used at all), and this is one area where the typical (vanilla) world can gain a few lessons. Safewords are about safety, consent, and security. They give both partners a reliable way to express when something has gone wrong. That can be as simple as an uncomfortable feeling overtaking someone, to as serious as a rope being too tight and creating a medical emergency. Safewords save lives (and relationships) and is another area that should not be forgotten.

Many lifestylers use the light system for safewords, Green for go, yellow for slow, or change, and red for stop. RED means STOP, every time. Others choose a word that isn’t likely to come up during the intensity of a scene, such as hippopotamus, pineapple, tango- you get the idea.

Once a Safeword is used, it has revoked consent for that activity. Continuing with the act, scene, or action is abuse and should be treated as such. The only time a safeword will not be taken into consideration is in a slave arrangement (or perhaps a CNC- consensual non-consent scenario) and even then, everything has been discussed in great detail beforehand, and I mean everything. Any good partner will listen to Safewords no matter your relationship definition. It’s simply good practice for practicing BDSM-ers.

If a safeword is said, don’t get upset. You’ve been offered a great opportunity to be honest with each other about what was going well, and what needed improvement. Becoming angry, frustrated, or aggressive will not benefit either partner, and very likely will be the beginning of a decline in your dynamic.

Getting Used to Using Funny Words

It’s common for new lifestylers to ask how one gets used to using Safewords and the answer is simple. Practice makes perfect. Use them under normal circumstances. Would you like cake? Green! Would you like to go for a walk? Yellow! Sugar in your coffee? Red! Once you use them in every day scenarios, they’ll be easy peasy when it counts.

BDSM Contracts

Marriage is a contract. Between you, your spouse, and the government. You said vows, which are the equivalent of a promise. BDSM contracts are different, and yet not. Not all dynamics will use one, but in a Dominant/submissive arrangement, a contract will give guidelines and expectations for your newfound journey. Unlike a marriage contract, a BDSM contract is not enforceable by law, but it is two people giving their word that they will do what they agreed upon.

In BDSM, your word is your vow, and when you sign that dotted line, it should be done out of desire to become a better version of yourself, and with 100% honesty (there’s that word again). Review it carefully, amend anything you don’t agree with, but don’t sign it without the intention of following through.

Some lifestylers review contracts quarterly (every 3 months), some yearly. It’s up to you what will work for your lifestyle. When reviewing, take some extra time to double check your limits list. You may be surprised to find your limits have changed as trust and respect take center stage.

Incorporating Dominance and submission into Your Marriage

When you’re standing at the starting line, you may wonder how you’re going to get to point A, then B, and eventually to your envisioned end game. BDSM isn’t a race. Start with small steps.

If you want to explore submission, begin with being obedient in small ways. Get your spouse a cup of coffee without them asking or try to prioritize and anticipate their needs. The same goes for those who want to try being dominant. Be dominant in small ways. Walk with one hand on your partner’s back, or elbow. Order their dinner for them or have them serve you for a short time.

If you find you like the pace and anticipation of BDSM, live your new dynamic for longer amounts of time. One scene, then one day. A weekend, a month, etc. Jumping in without knowing how you’re going to react will set you up for failure. You may find you don’t enjoy being ordered around all the time. Or that giving demands and making sure they’re followed is a full-time job that you have no desire or energy for.

Small steps will prepare you for big changes. Like the old saying says, “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” Neither will your BDSM relationship be.

The Final Take Away

If you’re married, it’s assumed that you already have a sound foundation to build a new dynamic upon. Hopefully, you already have love, laughter, and healthy communication. BDSM has the potential to take your existing relationship and make it unbelievably fulfilling. With that said, you will need to be open to the changes, willing to work on enhancing what is missing, and make sure you talk regularly about everything, so your marriage doesn’t suffer negative effects.

By being diligent and honest in your communication, you can perceive obstacles before they arise, modify problem areas so they meet your dynamic’s needs and discover each other in a safe, sane and consensual way. Living your fantasies, exploring your desires, and improving your relationship is simply a wonderful side effect and really is the best part!

---

For more advice about BDSM, Kink and alternate lifestyles, flip the 4 Thoughts page.

You’ll find more BDSM and kink info from MrsK under Let’s Talk About.

For something different, try Fiction