Finding Feminism in BDSM

As a little girl, I had aspirations like most young women, to be the first female president (before I realized Canada didn’t have presidents), to fly to the moon, to be a brave leader, and walk with others as they fought the things worth fighting for. As I grew I became aware that many thought women were not fit for these roles. But I held onto that dream of a women-dominated world. Believing that we’d left it to men long enough, it was now time for women to reign and make the world a better place. I didn’t understand that by limiting one group and highlighting another, I wasn’t creating equality, just a new form of bigotry.

Burning of the Bras

When we started learning in school about the feminist movements of the sixties, the burning of bras, and marching in the streets, my views were once again changed. Women were fighting for the right to more than just house and home. They were fighting for the right to vote, to hold property, to work, to be more than just mothers and wives (although, there is nothing wrong with this and I think it’s a valiant dream). And I agreed, women should be allowed these things, but maybe we could find a way to make men and women work together, for the betterment of society. Maybe we could find a way to be seen as equal and enjoy the same liberties, without marching in the streets, without burning, looting, pillaging (seems we still think this works, although history shows it doesn’t). 

I have yet to see this come to fruition. We come close every twenty or thirty years, and then the election of a politician throws us back a century. It seems to be a never-ending battle. And while the world is more open and accepting that women can be anything they want to be, we still have some work to do.

The shame you give, is the shame you get

Before I openly disclosed my attraction to BDSM, I used to have fantasies about scenarios that didn’t quite fit into my feminist box. I felt shame at the thought of allowing another person to do the degrading things I only thought about in the privacy of my bed.I wondered how I could claim to be a feminist when I dreamt about non-consensual sex, being bound and gagged, and being treated as a servant. Those things were the opposite of feminism. Weren’t they?

As my BDSM education progressed and I learned more about the fundamentals, I began to see the side that society doesn’t talk about. The negotiations, the contracts, the consent. I realized that maybe practitioners of BDSM understood the terms feminism and equality a little bit better than those who don’t partake. And even more, all are encouraged to talk about wants and desires. BDSM may give people titles that imply “I am better than you”, but after witnessing the most grueling scene end with the most tender aftercare, those illusions fade like whispers of smoke. There is no shame in something that beautiful.

The past recreated is not the future

In the past, I had been in vanilla relationships where sex was just a go-with-the-flow scenario. There were no discussions about what I was comfortable with, or what I liked and didn’t. I was often pressured into trying things that I might not have, had I known all the facts, or been given a chance to decline. I had partners that didn’t care about what I was getting out of it and enjoyed the act, for themselves. No conversations ever took place afterward about what was good, bad, and what I wouldn’t or really wanted to try again. And often because no communication was had, acts were repeated, even if I didn’t particularly like them.

When Mister K and I first began to discuss BDSM and D/s, the first thing we did was develop a list of limits. That list has changed many times, but it was there and it was followed. I learned that BDSM had something that the vanilla world didn’t. A true, resolute form of consent. Nothing could be done without being on that list, and then came the safewords. These empowered me to try new things, strictly on the basis that I could withdraw that consent at any time. That new form of power emboldened me and pushed me to venture farther than I ever would have thought.

Finding feminism in an unlikely place

Each scene cemented my feminist beliefs. Here I was equal to any man or woman. Nobody was above another (in terms of equality, anyway). I learned that trust was formed on the ability to listen to each other, to discuss, to negotiate, and most importantly, following through. My shame lessened and became something new, a form of power, a way to say “ME TOO!”

In our Dynamic, Mister K is the top and I am the bottom, but we are equal. All changes are decided mutually. Yes, he can have me on my knees for twenty hours a day if he decided, but I know that it is my choice. I can choose to follow through or not. I can safeword and end all play. I can choose to walk away. He may force me to continue with the kneeling, but we’ve agreed ahead of time that I have given him that right. And that’s where BDSM ensures more equality for women then the vanilla world, women are given the right to decide.

Speak up, Stand up and Shout out

BDSM has encouraged me to speak up, to stand up, to shout out. It’s shown me that we are all equal and if we learn to talk, to listen and trust in the steps, true equality is found. I don’t believe that feminism is women screaming “We are better than men,” but is us standing united with men, saying “We’re here, we’re equal and we count.” And while we may not be able to physically do all the same things as men, maybe that’s okay, maybe we’re supposed to do all the things they can’t. Another thought for another day.

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