Submission 365: Days 62-66

Days 62-66 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from the Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission-A Journey of Self-Discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered here are part of a personal project and hold no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com

It’s been a hot minute! Life has been crazy and I’ve fallen behind in many things. As you may remember, Mister K and I have called a halt to our contractual agreement. As a married couple, we’re still very much in each others life, but D/s seems to have gone, and one of us hasn’t really asked for it back. I’ve decided I can no longer wait for him to continue my submissive journey, so I have decided to move on, alone.

Well, sort of. I am still using this project as a guide, and I am speaking with new Dominants. Whether or not that will lead to another dynamic at a later date with another D-type, I do not know. I do know the option no longer seems like a closed subject. One of the many internal changes I have noted of late.

So that being said, this project will change somewhat. Questions about a current dynamic will have to be replaced with hypotheticals. But maybe the project will have some better insight. I can say I have learned some things about myself that I may not have comes aware of in my dynamic with Mister K. I’m not sure what that means.

Day 62

Are you a quiet, obedient submissive, or is there any element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How does your partner enhance or encourage who you are.

I’ve learned that I have a tendency to be both. But I’m not a true brat. Meaning I don’t show disobedience for the sake of getting a response, or to have my D-type show their authority over me. I will however question something if I feel unsure, or makes jokes. But I really do think about what I say before I say it, and read the room. I do my best to be an obedient servant.

But on the topic of bratting, I see two opinions. Some love it, mostly Brat taming Dom’s who like the use of force to get a submissive to submit. And those that see it as disrespect. I fall into the disrespect category. If you’ve chosen to submit, I think that’s what you would do. Yes, you can revoke consent, but as a mature adult, that involves a conversation, not a temper tantrum. Maybe that’s just me.

But I do believe there is a time for play in a dynamic. But everything has a time and a place.

Day 63

Do you consider yourself dependent on your Dominant? Is this a positive or negative thing in your opinion? Is becoming dependent a goal?

So, upon talking to other Dominants, I came across something about myself I didn’t know. I have slave tendencies. I suppose, had I looked hard and close, I would have discovered them solo. But it’s not the how I came across them that matters.

I have a yearning need to please. When I feel I have not pleased the person I set out to, it causes me internal anxiety. I’ll ruminate on it, wondering what I could have done differently. I’m even known for catastrophizing situations. And then there is the portion of it where my self image and esteem is decided by those outcomes. If I mess something up, it can feel like the end of the world. It can be a real problem.

These tendencies also make it so I keep my hair a certain way, or a certain colour. I’ll wear preferred attire, shade of lipstick, do specific tasks a certain way. It was easy to not see when I was actively in my role with Mister K as he made a lot of these decisions for me and I was easily able to follow them.

But now, I’ve realized I was dependent on him to make those choices for me, and in turn making them for myself has become a challenge. I’m relearning how to make decisions and be comfortable with them, but it is new for me, and does cause me to question myself a lot. I’m working on it.

Ideally, I see that form of dependence as a final step in D/s, or rather M/s. Once you’ve reached that level of dependence on your Dominant, you have entered slave territory. I got there without even knowing it, and because it was not talked about, it is likely the reason Mister K was burnt out and ultimately decided it wasn’t working for him any longer. The more you know.

Day 64

What are your core values? Are you living your life by them?

Well, yes and no. I’m sure it is recorded somewhere that I would never get married. Don’t get me wrong. I love Mister K and I love my marriage with him. But for the reason that we are experiencing currently, marriage may not be for me. I think I always knew that. There was a time when I was more polyamorous, but I’ve learned that I may not be able to spread myself between people like that. Not anymore. Once I become attached to a person, I’m all in, until I’m given a reason to not.

And then there’s my submission. The sudden cease and desist of our dynamic threw me for a loop, one I’m not sure I have completely recovered from. Knowing that once again, I’m not living as my genuine self is not a nice feeling either.

And then there is this. Previous to my dynamic with Mister K, I had acquired an education, a career and had many things in the works. As I focused more on my submission and being a wife, I left a lot of those things behind. Certainly, I still have an education, but with being out of the workforce for so many years, my skills are now considered outdated and I will need to return to school to catch up, or create a new career (should I go that route).

Now that a stage in my life has come to a close, it feels like I’m drifting a bit, wondering where I will anchor. Luckily I have the benefit of having nothing but time to find out. And perhaps find some new core values along the way.

Day 65

Do you find honesty hard if you know it will cause pain? Is it easier to be honest with yourself or someone else?

As a people pleaser, knowing I will cause someone pain does make the truth hard. I am well known for overthinking how I will say something in order to hurt the other person as little as possible. But there is a limit to this. If I am giving criticism (positive or negative), I will choose my words carefully in order to make as little personal impact to the other person as possible. I’ll use “I ” statements, and do my best to describe an action or a specific comment rather than the individual themselves.

But, if I have to deliver news that hurts regardless of how it’s delivered, I will state it simply and directly. I think the latter comes from my days of working in healthcare, where the former comes form my fear of rejection and judgment.

Much easier being honest with myself, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Actually, when I think about it, I may be harder on my self. Because I hold myself to such a high standard, when I stumble, I will sometimes convince myself it’s a fail. So, maybe I’m not completely honest afterall.

Day 66

Talk about a book or movie that had a positive impact on your life. How did it change you?

Earth’s Children Series by Jean M. Auel.

I’ve written about this series before. It is a story of a prehistoric girl who is separated from her family by an earthquake. Wandering alone, hungry and lost, the small girl is barely holding on and scared when she is attacked by a cave lion.

With an infected wound and ready for death, the girl is found by a medicine woman of the Clan of the Cave Bear, a group of Neanderthals, whom regard her as one of the “others.” While most of the clan, think she is an ugly creature who will never be a good woman, the clan’s medicine woman and her brother- the clan spiritual guide- raise her as one of their own.

The series is 6 books and each incorporates why certain inventions may have come to be, which plants are edible, medicinal and how they are used , and how animals may have become pets. It’s filled with history, science, love, and wonder.

This book began my interest into botany. It also spearheaded my love for historical fiction, and encouraged me to write some of my own. Unfortunately. I’ve been distracted.

But mostly this book is a great story about how you can forge your own way, and what others say about you is only as true as you let it be.