Consent and Kink in Public

When Your Kink is Not My Kink

After an online article was posted depicting a young couple, him on a leash, crawling on hands and knees and her leading him, there has been some talk about displaying kinks in public. Like many, I have mixed views on this. On the one side, I firmly believe that others should have the right to engage in their chosen sexuality and be happy doing so.

I enjoy exhibitionism and am a voyeur. There is something about the thought of being seen during my most vulnerable that gets my motor running like nothing else. I do get it. Who wants to be hidden behind closed doors, especially when you have something so valuable to display? Not me. But this is not about me.

The place and the Time

On the other side of that is the lack of consent that occurs with public displays of kink. When we attend lifestyle events, we are giving our consent to being exposed to kinks and fetishes that may not be ours. In public, and especially the vanilla public world, consent, the ingredient that makes kink sane, safe, and consensual, is fudged a bit. Sure, people who don’t like this sort of PDA can make the choice to leave but should they have to make that choice at all? Nobody goes to the grocery store or local coffee house with the thought that they’re going to be involved in a BDSM scene. (Okay, most don’t.)

Many who aren’t in the lifestyle don’t understand that it is based around trust, consent, and respect. They see black leather, whips and chains, humiliation, and degradation. Without the knowledge that lifestylers have, how can they make informed consent about being a part of a BDSM scene? The truth? They can’t. And if they haven’t given consent, you are exposing them to something they haven’t agreed to. That isn’t going to help the BDSM world form a place in the vanilla world. It simply isn’t helpful. And then there’s the issue of minors being present.

Being Kink Aware when Children are near

As a parent, I am very open with my children. Some would say too open. I don’t believe in lying to them or stopping discussions. If they have questions, they get the answer, and sometimes they’re sorry they asked. But mostly they’re just happy they got the truth. If you lie about the little things, they won’t come to you for the big things.

But not all parents are as liberal as I. Some choose to raise their children in conservative environments where secrets are swept under the rug and dirty laundry is never displayed. Whether you and I agree with this is none of our business. Those are their children, and they have the right to raise them as they see fit, just as I do mine. To be clear, my children have never seen me kneel at Mister K’s feet or seen me being lead on a leash. It is my lifestyle, not theirs, but they know I am not the same as other mums.

Sex and Ethics

While BDSM may not be an exclusively sexual concept, there is usually a sexual edge to it. Therefore, when you engage in BDSM acts in public, you are exposing others to sexual activities. When you expose children to this, not only is it ethically wrong, but it can also be prosecuted as sexual abuse. Are you willing to go to jail for your kinks? Are you willing to permanently form an opinion about your kinks to the impressionable minds of our youth?

 If you had been introduced to BDSM by it being displayed publicly without any discussions about safewords, consent, and what the risks were, would you still have participated in your chosen kink? My guess is probably not. And neither will they. They will see the whispered derision that comes from it. They will see the disgust at the hands of others instead of the valuable addition to relationships and people it is and can be. When you’ve been given a chance to influence future generations, why wouldn’t you choose to do it the right way?

Kink Approved Atmospheres

I don’t think it’s too much to ask to keep your kinks in kink approved atmospheres. I understand that during this time (covid) that it’s difficult to find a space for it, but we all have bedrooms and hopefully closing doors. This isn’t a moment of your kink is not my kink, this is a moment of what happens behind closed doors belongs behind closed doors. It’s like Vegas, what happens there stays there.

In conclusion, Sex and sexuality are not the same things. Yes, you have the right to express your sexuality, but you do not have the right to expose others to your sex. It’s simple and shouldn’t need to be discussed. Your kinks in BDSM approved spaces are okay, in areas not approved for this, it’s indecent exposure.

When we choose to do what we want, instead of what is right, we’re not being a positive example for others. We can’t complain about others not doing the right thing if we ourselves choose not to. You have the power to be the change, hopefully for the better.

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For more posts about topics of BDSM, Kink and D/s, see Let’s Talk About.