Creating a D/s Headspace

I would like to start by saying that a submissive or Dominant headspace is different and separate from subspace or Dom space. Those unique headspaces are created by the intensity of a scene. Or the external stimuli that creates a release of dopamine and serotonin. Headspace as it’s used here is simply the way the mind works in relation to a Top/bottom scenario and determines the mindset when with your partner(s).

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Staying in a D/s headspace is definitely a struggle in my dynamic. Not just for myself, but for Mister K too. Our role in our vanilla lives are very different from our D/s style. It can sometimes be difficult to bounce back, as it were when we’re suddenly confronted with each other. Ask any submissive, sometimes this is half of the work in submission, all on its own. I’m sure, many Dominants will say the same.

There’s a lot to do in my day-to-day life. Many of those tasks require me to be separate from my submissive headspace. If I was in it at all times, I could easily be taken advantage of, or worse. The reason for this is the lack of explicit boundaries and limits. The world outside of BDSM and D/s does not always recognize and adhere to our boundaries, and many would love to take advantage of a submissive person in that space. Many do.

Achieving the Desired Outcome

In an ideal world, I would like to remain in the headspace created by my dynamic, but of course, we do not live in an ideal world. As well, Mister K does not want to be the type of Dom that makes every decision for me. I have to respect that and work with what his boundaries tell me He is willing to give. Even on those days when all I want is to be told what to do and not have to think for myself.

Mister K will eventually take the reins should He notice that I am needing this extra level of control, but communication is truly the best way to achieve this. Although voicing my needs can sometimes be difficult, especially if I’m unsure of what those needs are. Over time the nuances of each partner are learned and a unique understanding has formed, but this does take time and the desire to want to know your partner at this level.

Doing What it Takes

There are ways that Mister K can get my brain to cooperate though, even if I’m not on the same train of thought as Him. Most have been learned over time, but of course, we have implemented others to force, for lack of a better word, that mindset.

The top three ways to get my motor running, as it were are:

One

Giving a direct order. Questions do little for my submissive headspace. They make me think and not necessarily about what Mister K would like. Being told to do something will make me become a nimble submissive faster than any request. Also, requests give me the ability to decline. It’s not that I actually want to, but if my mind is not in the proper space, I may do so, simply because submission is farther from my mind.

Two

Telling me I’m a good girl. Something about those two little words just make me melt, almost literally. I get physically aroused hearing it and that awakening of my libido makes my brain fast track to a submissive mindset. It also makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, which I’m sure is a huge supporting factor.

Three

Maintenance spankings. Nothing makes me tumble headfirst into a submissive headspace faster than feeling Mister K’s hands warming my bottom. This requires me to physically submit to Him and that act of bending over His lap is enough to get me where He wants (and sometimes needs) me to be.

Being Accountable

But not all of it can be Mister K’s to instigate. As an adult, I have to hold some sort of discipline and responsibility for myself. I need to be aware of how I’m feeling, solely so I can communicate it with Him.

But of course, there are ways that I can encourage that feeling of being in a submissive headspace and that brings me to rituals and tasks.

Rituals

Rituals will look different for each dynamic. Some use a collaring ceremony as a symbol to help create the mindset desired, others use mantras. It all depends on the dynamic, the people involved, and ultimately what will work for you. Mine has recently been made to include asking if I am still Mister K’s slut.

This started as a way to take back the power the word slut held over me. Having it used as a derogatory term intended to be hurtful in my past, claiming it for myself allows me to now be empowered by it. It started as saying I am a slut, but I had a difficult time with it. Mister K reassessed the workings of this ritual and now requires that I ask if I am still HIS slut. Giving me a feeling of being owned. Not only does this make me think about my role as a submissive actively, but it shows Mister K that I am aware of Him and his desires and that I am seeking his dominance, aiding Him in his Dominant headspace in return.

Tasks

Lastly, I have tasks that help create the mindset that is required for submission. Some days extra tasks are asked of me, but more often we just go with the same ones each day. This requires me to get up with Him in the morning, make his lunch and be at the door when He leaves for work.

Mister K calls me mid-day to check-in. At this time, he may give me extra tasks, like wearing a butt-plug or locking cuffs). But he also says those two words I love so much: “good girl”. This reinforces our roles and helps each of us be active in our dynamic, even inside the vanilla world.

At the end of the day, I am to be waiting on my knees (if possible and no one is present) at the door, where I ask if I can suck his cock. He has not said yes to date, but I know that one of these days He will, simply to test me. I look forward to it.

Enforcing it When We Can

On the weekends, Mister K and I endeavor to stay in our D/s mindsets for the entirety. It is really the only time where we can be Dom/sub for more than a few hours at a time, at least actively. We are 24/7, but with two children at home, aging parents, responsibilities, etc., it can be difficult Monday to Friday.

Throughout the week we play it by how Mister K feels. As the one who works outside the home, if He does not have the energy for active Domination in the evening, He will find other ways to keep me aligned. Sometimes having me sit on the floor during a movie or being restrained while He does other things. When the mood is right, we’ll have a full scene, but we’ve become so accustomed to our routines now that the scenes are just added bonuses, especially for me. Personally, I get more out of the moments outside of our bedroom. Although I’m not sure He feels the same.

Making it Work for You

Keeping the mindset you want may not always be easy, but with communication and a few simple adjustments, it is achievable. It just takes a bit of trial and error and active participation to see what’s working and what is not. There is always room for adjustment for whatever life throws at you, so you shouldn’t feel like you have to behave a certain way in order to be submissive or Dominant. The headspace will come when you find your natural groove. That is the starting point for every relationship, D/s or not. If you find that something isn’t working, all it requires is a chat between partners, the desire to improve, and the acknowledgment that nothing is set in stone.

Click on the TMA badge to see how others find and create their headspace.

For more about D/s, BDSM or Kink, see Let’s Talk About or Submissive Journal.