D/scipline

D/scipline

Discipline is defined as the practice of training people to follow rules or a code of behaviour, using punishment to correct disobedience. While that easily depicts what discipline is in many forms, it’s only a thin layer of a very heavy topic.

Discipline is something that starts in childhood. For myself, like many others, I lacked discipline from my parents. They were very interested in their lives, and I was a side of that life, not the center. I had very few rules but I was well behaved anyway. Whether that is because I learned to discipline myself or because I recognized that others who were and had discipline were on the receiving end of something I held as “better” than my life, I’m not sure. Another post, another day, maybe.

Seeing the Difference

When my upbringing was moved to foster care, discipline became something I determined as unique. I became aware that it is a form of morals or values. A set of rules that are used to navigate life. Each family has their own, based on their experiences and lessons distilled in them over time. Having and being disciplined became an obstacle course. I had to determine how to maneuver through each set that each family and new home offered. Sometimes it was like walking a tightrope, and other as easy as riding a bike, but I learned that it started and ultimately ended with me.

I learned that many people share the same rules, but some disciplines were based on parts I didn’t comprehend. I learned to ask questions. I also learned that there are parts to discipline that is shrouded underneath an umbrella term. Discipline is not just the making and following of rules, it a subtle dance that very few know the steps to. It takes will-power, determination and a healthy respect of fear to make it all work together.

As I got older and started dating, I began to see that even romantic relationships have rules and forms of discipline, boundaries that are made. I wasn’t quite aware of my submissiveness yet but knew that I yearned for a sort of control, even as I fought against it for many years.

Finding What I Need

I found that I liked having rules, and boundaries, and being told how to do things. And I found that I needed them. But grew to see that I like the why of it the most. I think many forget the why of things and concentrate on the how. The how is fine, it gets things done, but it doesn’t give discipline meaning. When you understand the why, it makes the how, the when and the what much easier to decide.

In my life with Mister K, I would say that I carry more discipline in myself than he does, but that isn’t to say that he is undisciplined, or doesn’t expect me to disciplined. I learned early that the code you live by determines your life, while he learned with strictness and an iron fist “this is the way it’s always been done”.

Where I was shown many examples of discipline and was able to take what suited me and use it for my benefit, he was only given one example of discipline, and it usually came with punishment, the physical kind. He’s now learned that punishment doesn’t have to happen with your hands, but it’s a valuable tool, at the right time.

When determining rules in a D/s dynamic, it doesn’t seem that discipline should be at the top of a list. You define your needs, your wants, your limits but we don’t talk about what discipline looks like to us. Most likely because we’re unsure what to ask for or how to define it. I hope to shed some light on that matter and give you a glimpse of what discipline looks like for me and Mister K.

Preventative Discipline

This is one part of discipline that we know well. We use it with our children, explaining why things are done a certain way or the importance of brushing our teeth. It’s the laying of boundaries and setting of rules. It usually a verbal form of discipline and looks like conversation. In D/s it looks much the same. We see it as checklists, discussions about expectations, and in negotiations. It’s the rituals, the language we use, and the labels and names we share.

For Mister K and I, it’s a weekly check-in to see what’s working, and what needs to be revised. We’ll talk about the barriers that are preventing success and ask how we can assist; if it’s wanted and needed. Very rarely will something be put aside or forgotten as we have learned to redefine and revise what our expectations are, not ignore them. If you change your expectations to suit someone else, it may work for a while, but eventually, resentment will set in. Expectations are parts of us that we hold as fundamental building blocks, lowering them will not give us the success we seek.

Of course, some people have high expectations, and they may be higher than we think we can reach, but I’ve learned to focus on the result, not the work.

Supportive Discipline

As children, we see this as the stern talking to. We messed up, but our parents, teachers, etc, help us by being understanding and redefining the rules. This gives us the ability to see where we made an error and correct it, without punishment.

In a power exchange, this would look like reestablishing limits after a safeword is called, or a discussion after an infraction. It may very well be followed by punishment, but it is the D-type supporting the s-type to create a chance for success. The Top sees the problem and corrects it before an infraction has happened, or they use the moment to reestablish guidelines. This lets the bottom know that their best interests are in mind and makes the discipline of the submissive a more comfortable endeavor for both.

For Mister K and I this may look like asking, “You seem off today, is there something bothering you”? Or “I noticed you didn’t do_____, can you explain why?” It may be him stating he was unhappy with something, and asking me to think about why that may be. We set a time to rediscuss and hopefully, I’ve got a good answer.

It lets both of us know that an issue is evident, but assists us in fixing the problem before it’s a disaster. Communication is the only way for supportive discipline to work. As Mister K often says, you have one mouth and two ears for a reason, listen more than you speak. By doing this you’ll find the answers you need.

Corrective Discipline

Corrective discipline as a child may have been a spanking, being grounded, or having a favorite toy taken away. It is the punishment phase. It is the abrupt realization that you have done something wrong. If the other forms of discipline are done correctly, this phase is expected, accepted, and encouraged.

In D/s this could be a physical punishment, a flogging, or caning. It could be kneeling in a corner, writing lines, or sleeping with a collar attached to the bed frame. It’s not supposed to be enjoyable, whatever form is used. It is the physical manifestation of the infraction. It makes the submissive understand in a tangible way how the Dominant is feeling.

For Mister K and I, this is usually a job I hate, like cleaning the oven or holding a pose for a set amount of time. I love to write, so lines don’t work. Essays are my thing and I can type faster than he can read, so it’s not a punishment. We don’t use physical or corporal punishment for two reasons. The first, I’m a masochist, so there’s a good chance I’ll enjoy the punishment and I have yet to safeword through impact play, so the point is moot. And second, using physical discipline when one party is angry is not discipline or punishment, it’s abuse.

That brings me to another topic that needs to be spoken of. Punishment should be well thought out. It should not be abrupt. It should not be done while tensions are high. It’s okay to say, “I need time to think about this before discipline is enforced”. Nothing good comes out of breaking your toys.

As well, it should match the infraction. For example, I didn’t clean my car from the rubbish that accumulated during a trip in an acceptable amount of time, and as a punishment, I lost my right to drive for 3 days. The punishment is quite mild, but the point was driven home (bad choice of words, maybe).

Self-Discipline

As children, we don’t have a lot of self-discipline to spare. It’s something we learn as we grow, as our experiences form who we want to be, and the life we want to have. We start to develop it as we witness how others live, how our parents place their expectations on us, and from our peers. Many think that it is will-power, but it is not. Will power is sudden, it is the push we use to get through something grueling. Self-discipline is a structured, tangible, and consistent trait.

For myself, this is the most important part of discipline. You can have rules, boundaries, and ethics, but if you lack self-discipline, they aren’t worth much. Mister K can set any rule he wants, but if I don’t follow it to the best of my ability and keep it at the forefront of my mind, it would result in plenty of punishment and little fun. It enables me to choose and persevere, which give me the secret to being successful and gives him trust in me and the fact that I am doing my best to follow his rules.

Not many people can handle disciplining someone who has little self-discipline. It would be a full-time job and would result in the breaking of a person, not the training of one; if it worked at all. A power exchange would be very unlikely.

Using it all Together

As children, we don’t like discipline but aren’t quite aware we need it. As adults we know we need it but are unsure how to get it. In D/s we know where to get it, but sometimes we need to ask. It becomes something that we know as part of us, even though we’re unsure how it got there. But when you know the steps and the reasoning behind it, discipline can be more than just rules.

As a submissive, discipline is deeply ingrained in me. It’s something that I need to be the best submissive I can be, but without following all the steps, the power exchange is missing fundamental pieces. It nice knowing that I have someone to help me when I have moments of doubt and it’s great to have trust in another person to a degree that I could literally put my life in their hands, but I know that without my part in it and maintaining the role and rules each day, it would never work.

Mister K and I have had many times that weren’t ideal, but learning how discipline worked, how we defined it, and what we need from it has made the journey exceed where I thought we would be. No dynamic is perfect, but with a little work and discipline, they will have worth.

To see who else is talking about Discipline for #TellMeAbout prompt #35, click on the badge. For more topics about D/s, see Let’s talk About. For some Kinky inspirations, see Fiction By MrsK.

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