Days 4-5 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from The Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission- A Journal of submissive self-discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered on this site are part of a personal project and hold no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com.
Find Days 1-3 of Submission 365 here
Day 4
What do people like about you? Are they the same things you like about yourself?
Well, this is a tough question. I don’t make a habit of asking what people like about me. Perhaps that because I spend most of my time with people who are extremely close to me, and they comfortably say the things they don’t like as well… Although the traits often commented on are ones I don’t see (or don’t want to). I think that’s the norm for most people.
When people talk about the things they like about me, they usually mention things I can do. My best friend says I’m wonder woman. She sees a mother and wife, a teacher and coach. A chauffer, a maid, a butler, and a chef. A writer, a photographer, and an artist. She sees a submissive who juggles all these things. And I suppose to a single woman without children, it may appear I have superpowers. But I didn’t gain all those hats in one day (can you imagine how overwhelming it would be if I had?). They came with time, just like all skills.
And that’s exactly what they are. Skills or abilities. They’re not really things about me, they are things I can do. Things I’ve learned to do. And not one of them is something she couldn’t learn.
Mister K would say that I’m sexy, but views the word as a physical attribute, not as an all-encompassing trait. He says I’m beautiful; I make his life better for having me in, and that I’m a good mother (yes, he’s very sweet). Once I asked him what he would like about me if I wasn’t in his life as his wife or submissive. If I was just a woman he met one day, he didn’t know I had kids, or that I’m a kinky girl at heart. What would he like about me then? He had a hard time answering that.
As for the things I like about myself, it’s odd that we are taught not to verbalize those things. That perhaps by saying them aloud we’re bragging or tooting our own horn. But why can’t I say I like that I’m patient (but not imperviable to frustration)? Or that I’m unique and open-minded but give new perspectives to others? Why can’t I take pride in my tenacity, or shout to the rooftops that I’m courageous? I think I can. I think I just did 😊
Do what others like about me match what I like about me. I don’t; think so. And I think there’s nothing wrong with that.
Day 5
“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”—Michael Hall
OOOOOOF! This one hurts. This quote could be speaking directly to me, but I think I need to discuss it as a person and as a submissive. Although being a submissive is part of who I am, it isn’t all that I am. If that makes sense.
There’s a lot to unpack here, so I’ll start at the end.
Fear of Success
Why do I fear success as a person? Because it means I’ll be in the spotlight. And once there, I fear the truth may be revealed. That I am a fraud, a phony, and not worthy of success (imposter syndrome, anyone?). I know those fears are unfounded. Everyone who puts in the work is worthy of success, but having all those eyes on me makes me anxious to no end.
When I graduated from nursing, I finished exams with top marks (look at me bragging about my successes!) and was asked to give a speech. I wrote it for weeks. Perfecting, changing, and restyling until I realized it wasn’t the same speech at all. So, I began again, at the beginning, and wrote from the heart. It wasn’t perfect, but I thought it was good enough.
When the day came, I did my speech. What I had planned to take three minutes took me two minutes and twenty-three seconds, I spoke so fast because of my nerves. And in the end, I still got an enthusiastic round of applause, and had the head of Nursing commend me for such an impressive speech, even asking why I didn’t pursue public relations (yeah, like that’s gonna’ happen!).
But even with the taste of success on my tongue, congratulations and marks written plainly in black and white to show I was top of my class, I felt I didn’t belong there. That there had been some mistake. And still to this day when I think about that speech, my palms sweat and my heart races when I remember all those eyes on me.
Do I fear being seen as successful as a submissive? Yes. But it’s different from the fear I face as a person. As a submissive, I fear that if I succeed, the next bar will be set higher. And what if I can’t reach that next level? What if it’s too far out of reach? What if I fail?
Fear of Failure
I hold a lot of self-doubt. It makes me question almost everything. But like most things, as I do something again and again, I become comfortable with it and find things are much simpler than I first thought. I know that rarely do our realities match our imaginings and fear plays a big role in our imagination, but I’m a writer. My imagination is where I live.
You’ve heard the saying, prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. That is me, in a nutshell. I am an over thinker, and overachiever. I’d rather arrive five minutes late, prepared for any eventuality than arrive five minutes early and realize I’d forgotten something. Oh, the shame!
As a submissive, the fear of failure is easier to push aside, because I’m following direct orders most times. We have a routine, a schedule of sorts and rituals that we partake in, so the concept of failure falls less on me. That being said, if our D/s is slipping or not as smooth sailing as I’d like, I blame myself.
See how it was we when everything is good and only me when I feel our D/s is failing? Somewhere along the way, I’ve made myself believe all failures are always my failing, and I need to change that. It’s not healthy or realistic to think I’m always the one at fault, if there’s blame to be found at all.
Fear of Disappointing Others
Because I am an overachiever, this fear makes me a yes man (woman?). I am a people pleaser and the idea that my failings may disappoint another, causing two of us to suffer from them, makes me highly uncomfortable. I understand that we’ll likely disappoint someone in our lifetimes (and if we don’t, we’re doing something wrong). Disappointment is a part of life. I just don’t enjoy being the cause of it.
It’s no different as a submissive, except that when I disappoint Mister K, there are immediate consequences. And that almost makes it easier, because I know that if I mess up in D/s, or disappoint Mister K, I’ll receive my punishment, we’ll discuss it and that will be the end (except for my guilt, which only drives me to do better). In the world outside our dynamic, the result of disappointing another is seldom that short-lived or easy to remedy.
I know I’m not perfect as a submissive or a person, and why I strive to be perfect is something I’m learning to figure out. I read this quote recently.
Perfect is the enemy of Done.
-Catherine Carrigan
And it reminded me of that speech I gave so many years ago. So instead of perfect, perhaps I’ll begin to strive once more for good enough…
See you next time!
Header image for Days 4-5 originally posted on Spanked with Love
Probably in every person there are some positive qualities, such as kindness, courage, the ability to sympathize, etc. The actions and results of a person’s actions are precisely determined by his natural qualities.
The best is the enemy of the good – a friend of mine told me. When the work was already almost completed, but I tried to improve the result and at the same time destroy everything that was done and quite satisfied everyone, but not me. I started work from the beginning. And I got the result I was looking for. Of course, it took more time than everyone expected. Since then, I often remember these words and sometimes I force myself to stop in time. It has gotten easier over the years.
We are going to know you fairly well after 365 days. Very interesting for sure
I hope it doesnt scare you away 😈
No way. I love your writing.
I know well that feeling of being afraid to see the greatness that is in me, that is in each one of us.
And if we talk about doubting myself, well, you could already see it in my first attempt to expose myself publicly in your meme mmmMondays, I was scared and I withdrew. I am gathering strength to expose myself again.
We are not perfect, and it is foolhardy to try to be.
I can relate to a lot of what you have written here. I think that submissive types are often not good at seeing their own successes or banging their own drum. I think that many of us choose submission for that reason and allow a Dominant who sees exactly how strong and capable we are to take the lead. Invariably, they spend time supporting us and showcasing our best attributes to the world. It just works. Just my thoughts of course …..