Drawing the Lines of Surrender

I’ve reached a point in my dynamic with Mister K where what he says goes. There’s no questioning of his decisions, even when I want to. There’s no space in between him and me for doubt and lack of trust. For our dynamic to work, it requires that I give myself over to him and have faith that his decisions are for my benefit.

It wasn’t always like this though. It took many years and many more moments of anger, frustration, and fear for us to get to this point. It required the definition of limits and boundaries as well as the regular adherence of said limits and boundaries, for us to have enough confidence in each other for it to work. Mister K needed constant reassurance that I would follow his orders and have faith that he has my best interests at heart. This helped him become confident in his role as a Dominant and allowed him to experience it fully.

For me, it was about him showing me that he could follow through with his expectations and show me that the choices made would be a benefit to myself or our dynamic. I often doubted and second-guessed him in the beginning, but as I was shown that he could lead the way, my fears were put aside, for the betterment of the team.

We now have a very open and communicative arrangement, that we both enjoy immensely. But without limits and boundaries, even the most well-rounded relationships will have moments of doubt.

Limits

Limits are restrictions put on play, scenes, or personal preferences. They prohibit certain activities and allow all parties involved to know they have control over what is done to their bodies and minds. No two people will have the same limits, but some may be similar. This is one of the most important parts of negotiations and should be discussed as often as needed, if not before each moment of play. Mister K and I have a contract that lists all limits, which we revise quarterly.

My limits have changed over the years. Many things that were hard limits, became soft limits and then weren’t limits at all. I’ve also had acts that I thought I would be open for become hard limits after trying it. This took a lot of honest negotiation and discussion about what was working and what I and Mister K’s fears were, as well as what has been enjoyable and where there was room for improvement.

Mister K has limits as well, and those have also changed over the years. In the beginning, I didn’t think we would ever get to a place where he would feel like he was the owner of another human being. It takes a lot of commitment for a person to take the reins of another’s life and to be sure in themselves enough to lead the way. He often second-guessed himself, and therefore I would second guess him. As he became more confident in himself, I became more trusting of his decisions and then one day, all the doubts were gone.

This doesn’t mean that discussions don’t still take place. He values my opinion and often asks for it, but he and I both know, once a decision is made, that’s final.

Boundaries

Boundaries are different than limits in the sense that they are a definition rather than a restriction. For example, a boundary can be a line dividing two locations, whereas a limit is an electric fence at that boundary. Boundaries are more of an unspoken rule, where limits are set terms and not to be pushed against.

With Mister K, I have few boundaries, but there are still some in place. For our dynamic to work, he needs to understand these and respect them, even if he doesn’t always agree. That is not to say that he won’t test the waters as it were, every now and then. A good Dom will keep his/her submissive growing in all parts of life. Showing them that they can conquer their fears, redefine their goals, and be the best they can is just one of the many great things about them.

Mister K has also placed boundaries on me, as they directly affect him and our arrangement. These seem like control, but it is just him testing to see if I will follow through with his wishes. Of course, we always have room for discussions if needed. He would never choose to not listen to me if I encouraged him that what I had to say had value. I’ve learned though, that arguing for the sake of it will get me nowhere fun and create a lot of tension.

What the Doms says is a submissives duty

So here’s the thing. This is true, but also not. Yes, with trust and respect a relationship can get to this point. Some never do, and that’s okay too. We all have our reasons for wanting a dynamic and our reasons for being who we are. I know many submissives who are in 24/7 dynamics who would laugh if I told them that what a Dom says is the way it is. They would look at me like I had a second head and question why I could be so naive. Fifteen years ago, I would have done the same.

But there’s a part of D/s that can be so much more than rules and discipline, scenes, and kinky fuckery. There is a part that can be complete devotion to each other (not just the bottom to the top), unbridled trust, and momentous amounts of respect. And when you get here, the things that your Dominant says to you feel like scripture, something so much more worldly than just two people. It’s an amazing thing to experience.

So for me, what my Dom says is law but I know that he will always respect my limits.