Fake it ’til you Make it

Fake it ’til you Make it

When May first asked to use my header image from Smutty Snapshots for the Confidence prompt on 4 Thoughts or Fiction, I was flattered. I told her as much. What I didn’t tell her was, “yes you can, I’m flattered, but terrified too.” I laughed a little about her request as well. If she only knew how not confident I felt taking that picture, or how if it was exposed, you’d see the uncertainty lining my face.

Confidence does not come naturally to me. I don’t think it comes naturally to most people. It’s something that has to be gained through trial and error, experience, and growth. Naturally, everyone becomes confident as they perform activities, hold titles and positions but nobody is good at everything or even most things when they first start. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be confident in all situations, just the right ones.

When I was first starting in the work world, I had a boss that gave me some of the best advice I have ever received. I was having a hard time memorizing a sales pitch and told him I sounded like I had no idea what I was talking about. He replied with, “you don’t have to know what you’re talking about. You just have to sound like you do. Fake it ‘til you make it.”

Now I don’t want to say that this is good advice in all situations. You shouldn’t fake important things like the first I love you, orgasms, or condolences. It’s rude, dishonest, and plain impolite. Also, the way you behave tells others how they should treat you, so it’s important to know when to fake it and when to tell the truth. But in the right situations, faking it may be just what it takes to make it.

This advice has served me well many times. In job interviews, when I bought my first house and when I stood in front of a judge to obtain custody of my oldest child. But what sticks in my mind most is when I first told Mister K about my desire for Dominance and submission. That was the most nerve-wracking time in my life, and I’m glad I knew how to “fake it”. I was able to get through that tough situation with feigned confidence, but Mister K didn’t know how scared I was inside, until afterward, of course.

Being confident is tough, and so is faking it, but just like with anything else, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Theses technique may not work for you as well as they work for me. We are each unique and our experiences have shaped us differently. If not, I hope you find something that helps get you to brace through tough moments. But just in case these do work for you, here are 5 ways you can “fake it ‘til you make it.”

Take up more space

The more space you take up, the more imposing you seem. People are more likely to listen to someone who holds themselves upright, with their shoulders back, their chins up and eyes forward. By holding a pose that shows you’re confident, not only will others treat you differently, but when you notice that difference in your interactions, the confidence you display will slowly seep into you.

When I approached Mister K I kept my shoulders back, my chin up. I kept fidgeting to a minimum. I held my body like I knew what I wanted (which I did) and was proud to hold that within me (which I wasn’t). This is the most important part of faking it. Your body language tells everything you have to say, louder than your words ever will.

Listen more than you speak.

I’ve said this one before. You have two ears and one mouth for a reason, listen more than you speak. Listeners gain more information than talkers. The more information you have, the better informed you are. When you know the answers, you sound confident, people are more attentive and the ball keeps rolling.

When I wanted to talk to Mister K about my desires, I asked questions instead of giving all the info I had obtained, and I left room for him to ask questions. I gave answers to the best of my ability. In allowing him to ask questions and to make comments, I learned what he was interested in and what would take work, later. I did not lay all the cards out in one go. Besides seeming cocky and like a know-it-all, it’s too much to process. Listen more than you speak. It’s good advice in any situation.

Practice and Pretend

Stand in the mirror and give the speech you’ve been writing for weeks. Write down the words you want to say and repeat them, over and over. Practice makes perfect and the more you do something the better you get at it. What’s not to be confident about when you know something well?

If you practice and still don’t become good at something, chances are you learned something else along the way.

Pretending sounds silly I know, but you fall asleep each night by…pretending to be asleep. Pretend for a short time each day that you are the boss, can play the guitar, have learned 100 new words in a foreign language. Add pretend to practice and voila, a new skill. You now know how to do something you didn’t use to.

When I decided that it was time to have “the big” conversation with Mister K, I wrote out what I wanted to say. I tweaked it to make it sound less rehearsed and I practiced. Then I pretended to kneel at his feet and practiced giving my speech. When the time came, I was still terrified, but I knew what I wanted to say and felt comfortable because it was just a repeat of something I had done before.

Look Your Best

This doesn’t have anything to do with others, although they will view you as “put together”. This has to do with how you feel about yourself. You’ll always feel better in a power suit than you will in sweatpants. Sure, the sweats are more comfortable, but you won’t be if you wear them to a corporate takeover. Dress appropriately for the situation.

I’m a stay at home mom and full time submissive, but I don’t feel very good when I leave my hair unwashed or wear the same frumpy outfit day after day. When I look my best, I feel my best. And others view me as confident when I show that I take care of myself.

When I asked Mister K if we could discuss something, we set a date and time, so I was aware ahead of time. I was able to be dressed in my finest lingerie and have my hair and makeup done to perfection. This made it easier to be prepared. But life sometimes throws you something when you least expect it, so I have learned to always look your best. If you are, you’ll always feel your best, even during the unexpected.

Be Brave

If all else fails, approach the world with bravery. You may not get a yes, be accepted, or achieve your goal, but in your attempt to, you’ll have found something better than sitting around waiting. Bravery is not the absence of fear, but doing something in spite of the fear, because it’s worth it, or will be in the end.

I was almost in a state of panic when mine and Mister K’s arranged time and date came to pass. The entire day I spent in angst, rethinking and doubting myself, but when the time came to divest my thoughts, I did it anyway, despite the fear. And I’m very glad I did. Even if things hadn’t of turned out well (which they didn’t at first), I was being honest with myself and Mister K.

I don’t know who quoted this but it’s great advice – “Be Brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.”

That’s all you need. This works for me, and I hope it works for at least some of you. Nobody can go through life with 100% certainty in anything, but if you prepare yourself, just a little bit, you don’t need to be certain, just daring.

Sometimes confidence shows up when you least expect it.

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For another post by MrsK about this topic, see Standing Tall in Submission.

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