Submission 365: Days 18-24

Days 18-24 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from The Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission- A Journal of submissive self-discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered on this site are part of a personal project and holds no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com

Past Daily Entries

1-3

4-5

6-8

9-11

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I thought I had posted days 18-20, so imagine my shock when I found it in my draft folder. Here is seven days worth of journal entries instead (I must stay on top of this!).

Day 18

Describe a mistake you made recently, big or small. How did you deal with it?

I’ve been struggling with my weight for about 6 months or so. I gained 20 lbs over the last year and have been unable to lose it. And I’ll admit it’s worn on me. I try not to let something as superficial as body weight bother me, but when you know your husband and Dom (and society) prefers a thinner, more toned version of yourself, it can become too much some days. And one day it was.

One task that Mister K has in place for me is to eat breakfast, work out regularly and to get enough sleep every day. They’re not big deals, but they also are when they begin to seem pointless. The work outs aren’t working, and the mornings are not a time when I am hungry. Most of my good ideas come to me late at night.

Mister K very simply pointed out (in that tone that tells me he’s quite fed up with it) that I have not been “taking care” of myself. But I felt I had. I was still eating breakfast and getting exercise, but my body was battling with me and not doing as I intended it to (likely because of the large amount of emotional stress I was feeling), and so I yelled. “I don’t want to talk about my weight or my eating habits with you anymore. You think you know best, but this time you don’t.”

And then. Nothing. He told me to walk away, and I did, and that was it.

Firsts and Lasts?

It was the first time I had openly been that disrespectful. The first time I had told him I didn’t think he knew what was best. The first time I’d told him where to shove his rules.

And as soon as the words were out, I expected something, so to get nothing was an even bigger shock. No discussion, although I requested it. No chance to apologize (on either side) or to come to a new agreement. The task was simply deleted from the app we use, never to be spoken of again. So, I also wonder if it will be the last task set? I hope not.

I know my words weren’t a mistake. It obviously was bothering me, but the way I approached it certainly was. I also think it made two fundamental issues glaringly obvious.

1. I submit because it’s a part of who I am, not because it’s expected of me
2. Mister K has never had to discipline me for something like this before, because I’ve always submitted, so when the time came, he wasn’t sure what to do–and if he did, didn’t- so is the dynamic even a power exchange

Which explains why he may have second thoughts about what type of dynamic he wants to be in.

I didn’t really answer this question, but I gained some wonderful insight on our dynamic, and what may need to be changed in the future.

Day 19

Why do you want to be under someone else’s control?

First, I want to clarify that I don’t want to be controlled- as in not have an opinion, my own interests, or the ability to voice them. But I do want to be owned, possessed, forced to surrender. And perhaps they are the same things, but in my mind, I know that my thoughts and interests will never be controllable by another.

There are certain things I’m willing to give full and complete control to another. Undergarments, hygiene, tasks (mostly), etc. And things I’m not (obviously having my food decided in a new limit). Of course, I think in the perfect scenario, I would very much like to be in M/slave dynamic. But I would need to be constantly mentally stimulated. I love to learn and get bored quickly if I feel I’ve learned something as much as I’m going to, or if I feel it doesn’t serve a purpose to me.

I would also need to know that my best interests were at heart. In the scenario of Mister K choosing my meals, exercise, etc, and not getting results, I knew that continuing with what I was doing was making my mental health worse, and therefore not in my best interest.

I also think that in a perfect world, my partner would already know this, and it would ensure they met those needs. Mister K is busy doing his own things, which means he has less time to control mine. Sometimes what he wants and what I need are different.

Also, I would like to be useful. To my partner or Master, but also as a human being. I would have a difficult time being controlled by someone simply as their plaything, if it wasn’t making their lives a better place, or their part of the world a better place. 

Day 20

What happens when you are not in the mood to submit?

Until recently, it had never been an issue. I would submit regardless, out of duty, and desire to please. My body usually catches up, and so does my mind.

And now that it has happened, I learned nothing happens. So, I’m not sure how to answer this.

But I can talk about what I would like to see happen.

I would like the rules of our engagement to be reiterated, a question asked. An ultimatum given.

Day 21

Sometimes I hate being submissive because…

I have in the past put making someone else happy over my happiness, and since my biggest fear is being unhappy, it can make me regret saying yes or agreeing. Sometimes it’s been a great tool to push me out of my comfort zone, and others it has put me in tenuous situations where what began as a way to please someone and get a bit of joy and satisfaction from that, I am in a situation that expects more out of me than I thought I would be required to give. Mentally, physically and at times, sexually.

I also sometimes hate that others will see that submissive side and use it against me, or use that desire to please as a way to get me to do something I wouldn’t normally have done. I’m learning to be more assertive, but there are still plenty of people in the world who will take advantage of a submissive person.

Day 22

“Don’t be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one, it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.” – Dale Carnegie

I’ve read a handful of Dale Carnegie books and think he was an insightful man. I also agree that if you do the minor jobs well, the big one take care of themselves. Most of the time. Sometimes even the small things seem like a big deal. But it is true that we do all big things one small thing at a time.

At the beginning of mine and Mister K’s dynamic, I experienced a touch of sub frenzy where I wanted to experience everything all at once. It was a lot to take in for Mister K, who was just learning about D/s and what sort of Dominant he wanted to be.

I had to be reminded that nobody wins the race by jumping to the finish line. You have to train, practice, prepare. But eventually you’ll get there. Good advice for any situation.

I still have moments where I want it all, but I’ve learned to take smaller steps.

Day 23

Have you ever wished you could reconnect with an ex-partner? How have you reconciled those feelings?

I have not once ended a relationship, even a few that I should have. That means I have always been the one to be left behind or wondering what went wrong (and a few times relieved).

There is one ex-partner that I wish I could reconnect with. I dated him before Mister K and thought he would be the man I spend my life with. I held him in such high regard and thought the ground he walked on was paved in gold. He made me feel alive and carefree in a way that I have rarely felt since. He was intelligent and witty and when I spoke, I could tell he was really listening. And, he was the first person to take the time to learn my tells in bed. To learn that when I bit my lip, I liked what he was doing and when my eyes rolled to the back of my head, I was about to orgasm. He never once asked me what I liked or didn’t. He discovered it firsthand.

Unfortunately, he was only with me for a short time before he moved back home. We stayed in contact for a while and I visited him once, but six months later, he called to tell me he was getting married, and it broke my heart.

We didn’t talk for a few years, except for a simple Happy Birthday and not much more. He came to see me once when he was in the area, and the chemistry and desire was still very much there, but it is not meant to be.

I realised a few years ago I was always an option for him. Not a choice. He could have stayed; he could have asked me to relocate. But he didn’t. I was an option when he was a choice.

I still wonder what might have been. He had the same wanderlust I have, the same restlessness. But I also wonder if the flames were too hot. If eventually it would have fizzled out, anyway.

Day 24

How are you feeling today?

Depression is a bitch. I think I’m doing well and feeling better, and then I have days like today where I wake up and the thought of leaving my bed is almost too much.

But I’ll drag myself out, anyway. Go through the motions of the day, and all the while feel like I should have stayed in bed.

Maybe it’s just Monday. The week has started, and it’s back to the grind. Maybe it’s just that it’s cloudy today. But I think it’s mostly that depression is like a long-worn ring. It’s smooth and rounded, fits you well and you hardly even notice it’s there. And then one day you wake up and that ring is so tight around your finger, and you struggle to take it off. You think, I should have eaten less salt, drank more water. I should have done something to prevent this. But sometimes, it’s just that the ring is stuck, and you need to try to take it off again tomorrow.

So until then!

Header image for Days 18-24 originally posted on Sneak Peek