How I Strengthened my Sex Drive

How I strengthened my Sex Drive

Content Warning: This post briefly mentions cancer and other breast health topics. 

Originally I wasn’t going to share this story, but then I thought that it may help someone who may also be going through a tough time. If it does, then the lesson will have served it’s purpose.

In the post, Benefits of Exercise in D/s, I talked about how I had gained more than just a few pounds due to a change in my lifestyle. What I didn’t talk about was the cancer scare that came preceding that weight gain and ultimate lifestyle change.

It was a weird time. I had this aura of positivity, but in my heart, I had this fear. A very real fear that I would lose not one but both breasts. As a woman in her early 30’s, I saw my breasts as a status of my womanhood, a symbol of my feminine charms. Not only had they fed my two children, but I thought that they made me inherently what a woman is. How narrow-minded I was.

At first, it wasn’t a big deal. I went through the mammograms, the biopsies. I told myself and anyone who asked that it would be fine, it wasn’t a big deal. But my libido didn’t care about my promises of a future with breasts. It was convinced that I would not be attractive and if I wasn’t then, why was I now? I lost all interest in sex, in intimacy, or even being touched my Mister K.

The test results came back, and I was cancer-free. What I had instead was Fibrocystic Breast Syndrome. A disease that affects many women, most unknowingly. It wasn’t cancer, but there was a chance that eventually it could be. While what I had experienced was just the eruption of a cyst, they thought, Fibrocystic Breast Syndrome can mimic or even mask breast cancer. I would have to be monitored yearly, until menopause. That was great news, I was cancer-free. While this made me feel better, my libido still didn’t agree with me.

Your Sex drive is like a muscle. If you don’t use it, you lose it. The more you neglect it, the more it shrivels and hides away, preferring darkness to the joy of being used. It becomes unanimated. Mister K and I are both sexual beings, needing the act of coming together. It reconnects us and gives us a feeling that everything is right in our world. The lack of intimacy was harder than the testing. More emotionally draining. The stress built and eventually, it resulted in an explosion. Now it was a big deal, it was affecting more than just me.

I needed to find a way out. A way to reawaken my much-needed libido. I talked to my doctor and he reminded me that the best tool you have is your brain. “Re-wire that”, he said, “and the rest will follow.” I’m glad he’s not a pill pusher or a man to just brush it off. As it turns out, he was right.

It wasn’t easy, but this is what I did.

I Changed what I put into my body

We all know the benefits of eating right. And I did change my diet, limiting foods that are considered unhealthy and adding a variety of fruits and vegetables. Each day choosing a plate that resembled more of a rainbow than food. But I’m talking about more than just the food you eat, what you choose to nourish your body with.

 What are you nourishing your soul with? Who’s in your circle? Where are you laying your loyalties? Are the people in your life givers or takers. No relationship should be more than 50/50.

What are you reading, watching, listening to? Is it feeding you? Or are you feeding it? It’s okay to take a break, to limit the amount of information you process. It’s never a bad idea to take some time for rest, relaxation and recalibration.

What you put in is what you’ll get out and if it’s shit, well then….

I reminded my body that it likes to move

We all know that exercise is good for you. It releases stress, helping reduce cortisol production. You sleep better, you have a better appetite, and when you spend time moving, your body looks better. The more we move the more blood is pumped through our veins, plumping our skin, giving us a rosy glow and when we look good we feel good.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. I changed how I moved my body, and also why. I began to move with purpose, swaying my hips a little more, sticking out my breasts. I began playing with my hair and tipping one hip out when I was standing still. Using my body as a sex siren.

In the beginning, it felt fake, like I was putting on a show, and that was more enhanced because I didn’t feel sexy, or charming or flirty. But after a week or two, it became natural and normal, and I found that others noticed it too.

Because I looked confident, others saw me as confident too and treated me like I was. It took time, but that confidence became the truth.

I learned to Laugh

They say laughter is the best medicine and I think they’re right. Not only does it lower your blood pressure, encourage the release of endorphins, and improve cardiac health, it also boosts your immune system. But laughing feels good. It reminds us that life isn’t always hard, and even when it is, there’s always time for fun.

I started listening to comedy shows in the background in place of the usual radio. My commutes filled  with laughter instead of talk shows or audiobooks. I asked my staff to bring me a joke each day and got my children involved too.

I filled jars with jokes on little pieces of paper and every time I wanted to cry, I looked at a joke instead.

You can only fake a laugh so many times before your body follows your face.

I set small goals

If you’re going through a hard time emotionally, physically, or sexually, it’s okay to rethink your expectations. Whatever they may be. Learning to run a marathon starts with training for the first kilometer (or mile), not the last.

I started with rediscovering myself, how did I like to be touched. And when I began to be comfortable with myself again, I set the next goal, being comfortable with Mister K.

We learned to focus on foreplay more.  Foreplay is almost always an enjoyable experience, it allows one to lay back and enjoy the act, instead of worrying about whether they look good, or if they’re doing it right. Eventually, the next natural step was sex. It took some time to get back to the kinky fuckery we enjoyed before, but even Rome wasn’t built in a day.

It took months to get my libido back to where it first was, but it did come back. I’ve also found that stress doesn’t affect me in that same way anymore. I retrained my brain to know it was a part of a whole, who is a sexual being, and that it’s okay to want to be desired, even when I feel I’m not desirable. I can’t say that these techniques will work for you, you’re situation is not like mine and we have differences outside of just who we are. But I do know that you can retrain your brain to work for you, instead of against.

In case you’re wondering, I still go for tests each year, and I’m still cancer-free.

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For more insights form MrsK, see Let’s Talk About.

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