Roles, Rules and Punishment – Debunking the Myths

Roles, Rules and Punishment – Debunking the Myths

When I first started doing research about D/s I found that there were a lot of discrepancies, depending on who you asked. One of the biggest misconceptions I found was around roles, rules and punishments. Many sites and persons I spoke to had a skewed understanding of the rules within a power exchange, and how rules are created. Punishment is a topic that usually instigates a little fear, some well earned respect and sometimes, curiosity. I am by no means an expert, but as an active member of the community, I thought I would try to debunk a couple of common misconceptions.

Dominants have an easier role 

To an outsider, this may seem the case. The s-type usually has a large amount of domestic and sometimes sexual duties within the dynamic. Their days may be filled with tasks, duties, and chores. These acts are designed to help the submissive stay in the role they have chosen to take and show the dominant that they are completing their end of the deal. Many submissives enjoy completing tasks and keeping their D-types satisfied and happy. It is fulfilling for them to be of service to others. Of course, not all s-types feel like this, but it’s the majority.

Dominants are in charge of setting rules within the dynamic and also with keeping the enforcement of those rules. It sounds simpler than doing the tasks, but the D-type must always be aware of both the physical and mental safety of both (or sometimes more) people. Dominants have to stay aware of what rules have been broken as well as knowing what institutes punishment. They must always be on their A-game, a tough job for anyone. The mental load is often higher than that of the submissive, but not any less/more important. This can sometimes be difficult and is why it’s so important to do a lot of research before engaging in a D/s dynamic.

The submissive needs to check in with the Dominant as well as the other way around. This preserves the safety of all parties allowing the dynamic(s) to be safe, sane and consensual. The tasks may seem one-sided but the roles are very much equal.

Rules are for the benefit of the D-type

Some dynamics have tons of rules, others very few. But the rules should not benefit the Dominant primarily. Will the D-type gain some benefit? Yes. But the submissive benefits from the rules too. Dominants will often set rules about clothing, eye contact or speech, and following these rules shows respect. These rules may seem one-sided, but all of the above-mentioned rules allow the s-type to become comfortable and at ease in their role.

Other rules are purely for the betterment of the submissive and can include daily exercise, maintaining a sleep schedule, eating healthy meals, and so on. Not one of those rules mentioned will benefit the dominant directly. Yes, the D-type may benefit from having a partner that is physically able to perform tasks or are well enough to be a part of a scene, but you don’t lose weight having someone else run for you. Following a Dominants rules will show him/her know that you are serious about your relationship, your submission and ultimately the Dominant.

Punishment is about pain

I’m going to stop you here. It’s a great idea in theory, and yes sometimes a spanking or flogging is used for punishment. But what about the masochists? I am one and can tell you that being threatened with a spanking will not do anything but make me squeal in delight, and clap like a little girl.

Punishments can vary as much as Dominants. It is used to enforce rules and to help align a submissives thoughts with the D-type’s. Punishment set in place should be used as a tool to fortify rules or to discourage disrespectful behavior, personal harm or to help a dynamic get back on track.  Figuring out punishment can be a difficult task for a D-type and shouldn’t be something the s-type enjoys. As I enjoy pain, I find that writing lines, having privileges removed or having restrictions put on my speech or clothing is much more effective. With that, if your dynamic doesn’t use punishment that’s okay too. Not all do. There is no wrong way to shape a D/s relationship. 

I find that for myself, punishments create a feeling a necessity for me and don’t allow me to fall into a routine. Routine is good, but when rules become routine, we forget about the importance of them.

It’s important to remember that your dynamic is just that, yours. There is no “one right way” to go about it. If all parties are aware of the risks, able to verbally consent and are in agreement with the rules, roles and kinks, that’s all that matters. A dynamic should be about getting what you and your partner want and need out of it. Anything more is just fluff.

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