Sacrifice and Service

When we hear service in terms of D/s we usually think about a Service Submissive. A submissive who serves a Top. This can be domestic duties, daily duties, such as driving or picking up dry cleaning, or sexual service. Sometimes the submissive is even paid for these services or a fair exchange is made. You pick up my dry cleaning, I’ll give you a rope scene.

Occasionally, a Dominant will use service as a training method for beginners. It teaches a submissive to follow orders and ask questions when necessary, sets a tone for a dynamic, and lets the Top learn about what makes their submissive tick. Using this method for training can ease an apprehensive bottom into a new role.

We may also think of a service Top, or a Professional Dominant /Domme (findom). A dominant that is paid, or maybe exchange services with a bottom. This usually includes impact play, humiliation, or any other sexual or mental stimulation the bottom requests. But it could be enforcing that a submissive stick to a routine, get enough exercise, or limits unhealthy habits.

We don’t often think of a top or Dominant doing much service, outside of a Service Top position, but that’s just not accurate. While many D/s relationships look one-sided, no relationship should be or truly is. If you’re in a relationship where it feels like you’re 100% making it work, please analyze why. Some days maybe 80/20 or 60/40, but eventually it should all come out in the wash and be 50/50.

Sacrifice

I think most people feel a bit of humiliation or shame when they first offer themselves as a servant or use someone for their pleasure. It takes a bit of personal sacrifice to put your predetermined beliefs aside and follow your desires.

When we had first started navigating D/s Mister K wasn’t into impact play very much. As I’ve previously said, he didn’t think it was right to hit his (at the time) girlfriend and bless his heart, he’s right, it’s not. But what if she wants you too? It took many months for me to get him to cane, flog, or spank me with a paddle. In the beginning, he did it as an act of service, sacrificing his morals, and setting aside his misgivings.

It was something I required and craved and was sexually aroused by. Me being aroused was enough for him to do it more than one time, and the fact that I needed release afterward, was an added bonus. Now he enjoys it as much as I do. Who says you can’t make a sadist?

Domestic Service

I’ve previously written my thought on domestic service. Not everyone likes domestic duties. Many don’t enjoy cleaning, chores, or laundry. It’s not sexy, it’s not glamorous, but it is needed. In my dynamic, I do the majority of the chores. As I mentioned in Domestic Service – Where’s the Value? it aligns with my idea of what a good submissive should be. I don’t do it because I love cleaning, or cooking or laundry. In fact, I despise laundry, it’s a never-ending chore. You finish it to just start again. Add a couple of kids, some pets and the mountain grows each day. I do it because I am shown appreciation for the services I provide and with that comes the value I seek from my Dom.

The other chores are important parts of any life. They need to be done. Knowing that makes it a little more bearable. With spring just arriving here in Canada (it’s late this year), I would rather be outside, planting my garden and preparing for the fall. But Mister K would not be very pleased if I let my duties be sloughed off, and instead of being rewarded, I would receive punishment.

For me, being rewarded for tasks that I dislike, gives me an extra incentive. Serving Mister K fulfills a need that my submissive side craves, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy all of the duties. Instead of just making Mister K happy with me (which makes me feel submissive in a way nothing else can), I get served in return.

But Mister K also has domestic duties. While I make sure that most of his and the home’s day to day items are taken care of, it’s his responsibility to maintain our vehicles, our homes structure, and other tasks that are out of my expertise. We could hire a service company to care for these things, but it makes us both accountable for our future, our lives together and each other.

Sexual Service

This is probably the most common type of service in D/s, or at least the most recognized. It can be as simple as keeping your genitalia hairless, to being in chastity 24/7 for a set amount of time. You’re serving your top by forgoing your pleasure, in return for theirs. It could also be a sexual act that is inherently a part of your dynamic.

Each day when Mister K gets home I kiss him on the cheek, fill his coffee (another act of service), and ask him “May I please suck your cock?” This question prepares my mindset for Mister K’s return home and also lets me offer to serve him. I very much enjoy serving Mister K, in almost any aspect, but sexual service is sexy and does make me feel glamorous. Being used for his pleasure is quite empowering and allows me to feel like a sexual being. He doesn’t very often say yes as his job is quite dirty and he’s usually covered in grease and grime, but he likes that I offer and I welcome the ritual.

On the other side of this is the sexual service Mister K does for me. I don’t masturbate unless ordered to. I used to, before D/s, but now my pleasure belongs to him. Each day he serves me orally, as a reward for my completed tasks. Sometimes Mister K does it just because he likes too. It belongs to him, and therefore he doesn’t need a reason, but he enjoys the act and I enjoy the orgasm. Both are satisfied. To an outsider, it would seem like it was just a reward or him fulfilling his desires, but as a highly sexual woman, a release is often a need, and he serves me by meeting this need.  

Body Service

Personal grooming or Body Service is another element of our dynamic. I cut Mister K’s nails, trim his beard, and help him shave regularly. The first time I heard of personal grooming as a service, I thought it was odd, but I was given the great joy of witnessing a shaving scene at a play party and my opinion was changed.

Sure his toenails aren’t sexy, but straddling his naked hips and shaving his face with a straight razor is so intimate that it borders on erotic (the sharp edge creating a sense of danger). The first time I become so aroused that I’ve done it ever since, and look forward to it. I would like to note that using a straight razor takes practice, and it’s not as easy as it looks. Please be safe.

I also shop for Mister K’s clothes and assist him in selecting attire for formal events. But Mister K does all of our sewing and he’s been known to help me with waxing and personal hygiene as well. Just another way to keep it all in balance.

Public Service

Administrative or Public Service also has a role in our power exchange. But I think this one was in place before D/s and has been carried forward. I do his taxes, make all his appointments, and pay the bills. It is my duty to remind him of birthdays, pick up his dry cleaning, and deliver items he needs taken care of. These things make Mister K’s life easier and allows me to utilize skills that I have learned outside of our relationship. On days when I feel less than sexy, or less than submissive, these tasks allow me to be in charge of something, reinforcing my submission when it means the most.

Recognition and Appreciation

Mister K is completely capable of getting his own coffee, cutting his own toenails or making his own bed. I do these things for him as a way to keep myself in a submissive mindset. Being 24/7, I require these small reminders throughout the day to keep me on track. Instructing me to complete tasks each day or to follow set guidelines also keeps Mister K in his Dominant mindset. These things work to serve our dynamic.

For each individual, submission, dominance, and service will mean something different. But for each of us the acts that we participate in meet a need that we can not get elsewhere. It’s important to show appreciation for the service we’re given. Sometimes in our relationships, we make sacrifices to meet the needs of our other halves, and those sacrifices should not be taken for granted.

I’ve heard it said that a Dom who performs oral sex on his sub is not really a Dom or a sub who doesn’t like to serve is not a sub. I don’t think that either of these carries any truth. The only one who can know whether or not you are of service or are being served is the people in the dynamic. Each will be different. What works for you may not work for me. Do what works for you.

Happy Serving!

To see who else is talking about Service for #Tellmeabout, click on the badge

For more post on the topic of D/s, check out Let’s Talk About.