SafeworD/s

Title borrowed with permission from The SafeworD/s Club which is hosted by Missy and HL.

I was once at a Dominatrix meeting (as a service sub, not a participant) and heard a male slave ranting to another submissive that he hated when people safeworded. He reasoned that they had previously agreed to the act that was being taken part in. Rudely, I stopped to listen as I had always been taught that all dynamics used and followed a safeword. And why wouldn’t someone have one? Isn’t the point of said word to stop all play in the event of an issue or insecurity? To keep all participants “SAFE”? He continued to say how it was disrespectful to your top to go back on the things you’d agreed to, and part of me was like, “Yeah, he’s right, it is kind of disrespectful.” But the other parts of me were like, “What!?”

His mistress very quickly reprimanded him by saying, “That is our dynamic, not everyone else’s. And we have agreed that you do not have a safeword.” At this, he stopped talking quite abruptly and sat back down.

His Mistress was right. That was their dynamic and what works for them may not work for others. As a slave, he has no access to money, he doesn’t work unless his Mistress permits him and he even asks to use the bathroom, smoke a cigarette, or sleep in a bed. He’s been in chastity for many years. But these things had been negotiated into their dynamic and he had agreed to them. For a little perspective, he has been with his Mistress for 25 years and her slave for 20. He receives 200 lashes EVERY DAY! 100 to his behind, and 50 to the rear of each thigh. They have a very affectionate relationship, but it is strict.

This encounter made me think about how Mister K and I don’t have a safeword, although we do follow the red light system. Green for good to go, yellow for slow down or change and red for a full stop. Not that I’ve ever used them. Not even the occasional green. I’ve often felt like Mister K was holding back because I have never had to safeword. Specifically during impact play.

I asked him about it, thinking maybe it was a fear on his end. Was he worried about hurting me, or did he not enjoy that specific form of play? Maybe he was holding back, or maybe my pain tolerance was higher than I thought? What was the cause of his hesitation?

His response was “You shouldn’t need to safeword little girl. If I am doing my job right, I should know to stop before you’ve had enough. It’s a great form of protection, but it shouldn’t be your first source.” Talk about learning lessons.

Mister K also reminded me that at the beginning of each session of play, we talk. What am I needing? How has the day been? Where is my head, and also his? Are we up for something hard and demanding or soft and sensual? Maybe something a little more fun? If those conversations are had, then safewords are rarely used or needed.

And isn’t that the basis in all dynamics in BDSM? That our interactions, scenes, and dynamics be sane, safe and consensual. If we are to participate in risk-aware consensual kink, those conversations need to happen. Planning a scene is one thing, but to make it run smoothly, the details need to defined. This not only prevents the use of a safeword but informs all parties involved that they are in good hands and know what to expect. That the dynamic is built on trust and honesty.

Since then I have learned to appreciate the top end of the D/s dynamic a little more. How D-types need to keep track of all the little details. The body language, the sounds that the bottom makes (if they are permitted), that they have enough space, and the list goes on. As the person who follows orders, I didn’t think about how much mental energy goes into Topping. And with that thought, I became aware that maybe Dom’s should be using the safewords instead. They can, but I have heard of very few times they do. This only proves that negotiations are the key.

For Mister K and I, it doesn’t matter if the word is Red or Watermelon, I will probably never have to use it. But it’s nice to know I have the option should it ever be needed. I’m sure we could get to a point where a safeword is no longer a part of our dynamic. And why not? with Mister K, I’m obviously in good hands.

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