Showing Respect

Showing Respect

Opening the door, I tiptoe inside the room, careful to not disturb him while he’s busy. With years of practice I kneel at his feet, clasping my hands in my lap, my chin lowered as it has been so many times before. I wait patiently for him to finish his task, forming my thoughts so that I may be humble, polite and clear in my request.

Setting his work aside, he places one hand on my head, acknowledging my presence and letting me know he is ready for me. I raise my head, look him in the eye and wait. He has not spoken to me yet. Here is where we play our parts. His dominance searching for my submission, giving us both the right headspace to be committed to our roles.

“What is it you need, little girl? Mister K asks me.

“Sir, I have a request, if you may have time to hear it.”

“I always have time for requests, but I can not guarantee I will grant it.”

It took many years for me to become comfortable enough in our D/s relationship to approach Mister K like this. Even now, I have to think about it before I actually practice it. As with many of the aspects of my submission, being respectful in my words and actions has taken practice, patience, determination and a bit of punishment.

Mister K and I have been together for fifteen years. Many of those years were before we developed D/s fulltime. In our pre-BDSM lives, I can sadly say that we weren’t always polite, well-tempered or courteous in our approach. I wanted what I wanted, and Mister K wanted what he wanted.

Say what you mean, but don’t say it mean – Andrew Wachter

When we decided to make our dynamic full-time, I soon realized that it would not work unless the way we thought about it changed. We had to change the way we treated, spoke and engaged with each other for the dynamic to become anything more than talk and fluff.

While I strive to not be rude, disrespectful, insulting or demanding, to anyone,  I find that I still sometimes let my temper, beliefs, insecurities, and anxieties do the talking. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue, sometimes I need to leave a room, just so that I don’t say anything. And sometimes, I am dismissed. It’s something I’m working on actively each day.

I’m very careful about how I talk to Mister K in public and in front of others in our space.  One of the most significant times where I really have to think about my wording is in the presence of our children. Mister K and I have contradictory opinions on how children should be disciplined, punished and overall, raised, making it so that we speak to our children differently. I’m the nurturer, and he’s the disciplinarian. Unfortunately, our methods are sometimes very different, even if our goals are the same. And I have to remember that because he doesn’t say something the same way I would, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Respect is something that everyone wants, most aren’t willing to work for and every relationship requires. It is the basis for each and every partnership, union and joining, and yet so few know how to truly gain and hold it. The reason for that is we only partway know what respect is. It’s about more than kind words or showing appreciation. It more than honoring someone or being courteous.

The path to gaining respect is paved with knowledge and empathy-Evan Brown

Along the way, Mister K and I learned that respect isn’t a feeling, an action, or specific words. It so much more. It’s about being honest. No matter the situation, we tell the truth. Sometimes it’s a hard concept. Especially if I know I’m going to be punished for an infraction. But honesty sits beside respect and they ride the train together.

It’s keeping our emotions in check, and doing our best to not lose our tempers. We talk to each other with calm tones, and we try to stay positive in our conversations. This is my biggest learning curve. I am learning daily to let things so, take deep breaths and sometimes take one for the team. Being in control of our emotions shows that we care for each other’s well being.

It’s about having each other’s back. We don’t give up, especially on each other. We keep trying, we become resourceful and we try and try again. Situations that can’t be settled in one moment are put aside until a later time but never forgotten. We revisit it when we are calm, collected and confident. By doing this, we resolve issues in our lives, dynamics, and personal aspirations. And we move forward.

Respect is one of the greatest manifestations of love – Miguel Angel Ruiz

It’s about admitting when we are wrong. Mistakes happen. We make errors in judgment. We speak out of turn. We become angry or frustrated. But we apologize, admit our mistake and move on. Forgiveness is an important part of respect as well. Grudges create bitterness and bitterness has no room in respect.

It’s about working hard toward common goals. We create dreams together, we talk about what’s working and not working. We continue to do the work until it is done. When we work together, our dynamic blossoms and we feel empowered.

It’s about having our priorities straight. We know that in our marriage it is the two of us, sometimes it feels like us against the world. But we stand together, strong, united and solid to our very cores. We put each other first and think of everything else second.

Do what is right, not what is easy – Lars Lau Thygesen

Respect is having a sense of right and wrong. We judge our own actions based on the moral compass we have inside us. We know before choosing if the other will be upset or not and we use that decision to make the best choice. Taking other’s feelings into consideration is not just a sign of respect, but a manifestation of love.

It’s about striving to be good examples for others and showing each other admiration. It’s about giving praise for the skills and abilities that we ourselves don’t have. If we were both great at everything, we would have nothing to learn from each other. We’re not supposed to be good at all the same things, but we should be a compliment to each other.

Respect is about giving. We give more than we ask for and understand that to give to others is to receive the greatest gift. Our gifts have meaning and come from a genuine place of love. We also understand that we each have needs and we take time to check in to see if those needs are being met.

I respect a person who respects me when I’m not around – Author Unknown

It’s about feeding each other’s confidence and cheering each other on. We tell the other that we believe in them and that we are enough. We make each other aware that mistakes are something we’ve done and not who we are. We help each other grow to be the best version of ourselves.

Respect is about being loyal, even when it’s tough. We stand together and support each other, and most importantly we never betray each other. We keep the other’s secrets safe. We soothe each other’s fears, even when they seem superficial or irrational.

That’s just a shortlist of all the ways Mister K and I show each other respect. I hope that when I look back in many years, I can add to this list and be just as confident in us as I am now. My respect for Mister K has grown tremendously since our pre-D/s years, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still something to work for each day.  Respect needs to be gained, but that’s only half the battle. Keeping it is the hard part.

XO

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