D/s – When Life Gets In The Way

John Lennon said it best. “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.” And he was right, wasn’t he? Life has a funny way of getting in the way. When you’re in a D/s relationship, those pesky things that are a part of life seem to be even bigger obstacles. But just like anything else that is important to us, we find a way to get what we need or want. Our relationships, D/s or otherwise, should be no different.

Currently, Mister K and I have a lot going on. I’ve recently discovered that my father, or the man who I thought was, is not (not that he was ever much a part of my life anyway). I also discovered that the man who is, isn’t all that happy about it. Both of my children are undergoing some health challenges, and our elderly dog has developed a limp that may require surgery in the amount of $12000. Add a pandemic (and a third lockdown!!!), the responsibilities of the day to day, a blog, a job and whoa! It’s been quite the bumpy ride.

Unfortunately, when the world throws you curve balls, the things you stop doing first are those that you like best or are the best for you. With less time each day, a mind filled with negative banter and a constant nagging feeling at the back of your brain, submission seems like a farfetched idea. And Dominance is hard to initiate because you’re not feeling all that confident in your role. But this is where you need D/s and the active part of it most. Even when it feels like hard work.

So, what can you do when life gets in the way? Many things, really. And not one of them is throwing in the towel.

Make a Date Night

You’re in a D/s dynamic because you work well together. Sometimes we just need a reminder. A date night also forces you to plan for time together. Although a date night is difficult currently with the state of the world, if you use your imagination, finding date night activities can be half the fun.

You could incorporate some kinky fun into these times, but if that is not at the forefront of your mind, some vanilla time can be just as beneficial. If a restaurant, a movie or other activities are unavailable because of finances, lockdowns or time constraints, a few suggestions for date nights are:

• A walk in the park
• Paint a picture together
• Have a picnic
• Learn how to cook something new together
• Dance
• Tell Each Other Jokes

As you can see, there are many activities to get that connection between you and a partner back. It’s all in the planning.

Mister K and I plan for one date night a month. Sometimes we do the shopping, and others we simply enjoy each other’s company. Do what works for you.

Take a Weekend Away

Mister K and I do NOT do this enough but took a weekend away this past week. It was amazing! Two entire days with just the two of us was exactly what we needed. We played, took long baths and explored areas new to us. Using this time for a formal D/s arrangement worked wonders for our mindsets and both of us came back feeling refreshed, vibrant and ready to face whatever the world throws at us. 

Eliminating the outside interferences gave us the opportunity to be ourselves and we found we easily fell into our roles as soon as we got in the car. Having to use the term Sir 24/7, kneeling, sitting on the floor and all the other little things we don’t think of or neglect in our dynamics, for an extended time, solidified our roles inside our minds and allowed us to have an entire weekend with no hiccoughs. Did I mention it was amazing?

I experienced a bit of sub drop the day after our return, though. But knowing me as well as he does, Mister K prepared for this and gave me exactly what I needed. A long cuddle session.

After Care

When we think of aftercare, we often think of the downtime after a scene. But what if aftercare is more than just that? If we think of it as self-care with our partner (s), we can incorporate it into the every day. Mister K and I have taken part in more aftercare in the last four months than the past 6 years. It has become a daily routine and has strengthened our bond immensely.

Not all of that aftercare is massages and cuddles. Some of it is hot baths together, a literal shoulder to cry on, followed by a quick orgasm, or sitting in silence, simply holding hands. It may not always look like aftercare (what works for one dynamic may not for another), but it feels like it. And that is what’s important.

Maintenance Spankings

Around mid-February, Mister K brought up that I had earned punishment a lot recently. I was well aware but agreed that I wasn’t really feeling submission at the time. After a discussion, we concluded that it’s difficult to follow if you don’t have a leader. As Mister K is that lead, he came up with the idea of maintenance spankings. Since I love a good spanking and find that nothing sets me up for a submissive mindset better, I agreed it was a great idea.

For the first couple of weeks, it was something that we had to focus on. Whether first thing in the morning, or last thing at night, it needed to happen, and we set time aside for it each day. It was hard work to plan and initialize it, but we made ourselves do it anyway.

But, after those first few weeks, it became routine (do you see the trend here?) and I found that meeting him at the door each day or being available to his demands became easier. My head was already in the game. Not only has this enforced our power exchange, but it also gives us both something to look forward to each day. Not every spanking ends in a scene, or even sex. Sometimes it’s simply a spanking. But it clears my head and allows me a moment to take a deep breath and simply be Mister K’s submissive. It also allows Mister K to feel a physical connection to his submissive. It’s been two months of daily spankings and I have to say, I feel great (although my bum may disagree).

Be Understanding and Compromise

Sometimes, no matter how good your intentions, plans still fall through. It happens. But if we are understanding of it and willing to compromise, it doesn’t have to get in the way. Maybe that scene you had planned got cancelled. That’s okay. But don’t simply shrug it off and carry on. Reschedule. Communicate. Discuss when it can happen. This will prevent that feeling of it no longer being important, keeps the lines of communication open, and informs all involved that it’s still on their mind. It also gives you something to look forward to.

Compromise is an important part of any relationship. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength and a symbol of trust, commitment and wanting happiness for your partner. You’re not giving something away but getting something back… later.

Get Support

If you find you’re disconnected to such a degree that none of these things help, look for outside support. Whether that is a mentor, a counsellor (together or alone) or coffee with a friend. Occasionally, all we need is a set of eyes and ears outside of our dynamic. With a fresh perspective, we may find that we’re creating obstacles where there are none, and also that things really aren’t as bad as they seem. Most of life’s little tribulations are temporary, even when we feel like the world is falling down around us. Don’t be afraid to reach out. It may even surprise you to find that others have been there and give brilliant advice.

No matter the situation you’re facing that has caused a rift in your dynamic, it always comes back to communication. Don’t let things fester inside. You’ll only become a volcano primed for eruption. Talk about what’s bothering you and find solutions. Don’t place blame if you can help it and accept your role in how life is going. Things have a strange way of working themselves out, but it feels better when we’re an active part of the outcome.

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