Submission 365: Days 12-17

Days 12-17 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from The Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission- A Journal of submissive self-discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered on this site are part of a personal project and hold no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com

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I’m a few days behind due to some technical difficulties on my meme site Mmm Mondays. Just like almost everything in life, implementing changes can cause unsuspecting problems to arise, but the bugs are all worked out now, and I can again focus on other things.

I flip through pages of the book and choose random questions for each daily prompt, so it’s a bit eerie that days 12-17(oh my, six days behind!) are so interlinked (or maybe that’s the point of the submissive journal to begin with). Though I don’t publish each day, I do write out the questions and have a think about how to answer. Each day seemed to lead seamlessly into the next, forcing me to look back and reassess my previous answers, which is telling I think, if only because of what the questions are about.

Day 12

What is one thing you have taught or are teaching your Dominant?

I like to think that myself and Mister K are constantly learning and growing. We enjoy documentaries, being regaled with tales of history and science, and believe we can always improve upon ourselves, whether by learning a new skill, discovering a new talent, or dealing with our own internal battles. The process of growing “up” never ends, and if you do it right, you can continue to teach what you have learned long after your time.

I can say that Mister K has taught me many valuable things, like how to use power tools or to reuse things that most would find garbage. He’s a miracle worker at using what is at hand to create something new and has yet to admit defeat when it comes to fixing, creating, or building anything. I sometimes call him MacGyver (for anyone to young to know who that it, you don’t know what you missed out on) because he’s so talented. He’s taught me how to see something where most see nothing.

And obviously I have taught Mister K many things. We come from different backgrounds and different generations, both with a fierce desire for knowledge so it only makes sense. But one thing I always encourage Mister K to do is think of the other side of things (ideas, problems, opinions, etc,). What does the other person’s view look like? Can we see this from another angle? If you were to flip the script, would your words still ring true? Are you looking in a mirror or through a window?

He’s mentioned to me many times that this change in his thinking has helped him solve a problem or resolve a disagreement. He calls it having perspective. I call it having empathy.

Day 13

What is weighing on your heart right now?

Some time away from D/s has given Mister K and I time to think about our dynamic, and what we want from it, and as it turns out, that may now be two very different things. A thousand questions plague me and I’m trying not to let it freak me out, but it’s hard not to.

Obviously, we’re married so it’s not like we’re going to start living apart or anything, but the 24/7 aspect of our dynamic may be on the back burner for a while if it returns at all. I see glimpses of Dominance from Mister K still, habits that have been ingrained in our relationship. Sometimes they lead to something more, and others, they just fizzle out.

Accepting What I cannot Change

It’s hard for me to accept that something I have worked so hard at and has occupied so much of my time can just come to a close without me wanting it too. It feels like a wasted investment, or like it was all for naught, even though rationally I know that’s not the case. It had made our level of communication and respect for each other grow to unfathomable levels. We are both so much healthier, mentally, than we were eight years ago.

But I also feel like if I hadn’t of had a bit of an emotional upheaval last year, would he ever have told me that he is finding D/s to be a lot of work? That he isn’t as devoted to it as he once was. That he still likes the kinky sex, but the tension of being the on in control is too much to bear sometimes.

I can appreciate his feelings and opinions on the subject, but it doesn’t make ME feel any better. Actually, it makes me feel worse, because I think perhaps all these years, he just went a long with it because it was what I wanted. And that makes me wonder; what does he want? I have yet to find out.

Day 14

How did you discover your triggers?

Did you have obvious things in your life or past that made you aware of possible triggers?

Part 1

To answer the first part, I still think I’m still discovering triggers. For a long time, I didn’t really let anything “bother” me. I shrugged things off, didn’t cry often (others thought I was “tough”, but I was really just trying not to feel anything, even joy), and bottled up my emotions.

One day, somewhere in my late twenties, early thirties, that changed. I had spent so many years pushing everything/everyone away, burying my emotions under alcohol and random partners, bad decisions, and even worse relationships (Mister K and I were together, in a way, just not like we are now) when everything finally came crashing down. It was then I realised I still had many personal obstacles and a lot of baggage to overcome. Before I could move forward, I would need to confront what had led me down that road. That led me to really focus on what enriched my life, and what robbed me of it. A year later, I told Mister K I was submissive.

Part 2

And that’s the second question. I can guarantee I have obvious things in my past that are possible triggers. Abuse at the hands of my parents. My mother’s decision to stay with my abuser. Neglect. The foster care system. The list goes on.

I have abandonment issues in the sense that everyone will leave eventually, so I never rely on people. I don’t make expectations of people or allow many to get close. Mister K is one of the few exceptions to that and even he had to work hard to get me to let him in fully. Remember? It took me 10 years to tell him I was interested in BDSM, and even then, I avoided him for a few weeks after I told him, because I was sure that was it, whatever we had was over.

Being told that Mister K isn’t sure he wants to continue our dynamic brings all those felling of abandonment to a head. I’m trying to remain rational and accept that things change, but some days are easier than others.

Day 15

Talk about the ways you’re different from your parents. How did it impact your relationship with them?

Foster care was an early learning tool for me, in the sense that I learned that different families or people, had different ways of doing things. Whether it be cultural, regional, religious etc., no two families/households are the same. And because of that it’s hard to answer this because I don’t know how many habits or traits I picked up from various caretakers over the years. So perhaps I should stick to my biological parents.

Since I don’t know my biological dad, that one’s easy, but as for being different than my mother, well, I’m not sure where to begin. My mother is a victim of generational trauma just like most of us, but she chooses to be just that, a victim. It gives her the ability to point the blame for her actions at others, and in that we couldn’t be more dissimilar.

The differences are staggering

My mother is one of the main if not the main reason I choose to always take responsibility for my actions. Even when I was making terrible decisions for my life and living a dubious lifestyle, I accepted that the consequences were mine to carry.

Everyone makes bad decisions sometimes, but it’s how they choose to acknowledge them that decide what type of person they are. Some people try to hide their faults/failings, others try to deny them or blame them on others, but few take responsibility and use it to make themselves better. I’ve always been a member of the few.

I could talk about all the reasons I choose to keep my mother out of my life, but it’s mostly because I don’t like her. That’s horrible, I know. But she’s toxic. She’s selfish, she’s everything I don’t want in my life. I think that the girl who suffered at the hand of her bad decisions gets to make that choice. I have forgiven her, but I’m not sure I want to forget. Not to hold it over her, but to hold it for myself. To use it as a reminder that I can conquer anything.

Day 16

“How will you become a clear Mirror if you resent being polished? – Rumi

It’s true, isn’t it? In order to shimmer and shine, you have to put in a little work, add some elbow grease and buff out the smudges.

That’s the point of self-discovery and self-improvement though. To work out the rough edges, and polish what’s left the best you can. Maybe we don’t always shine, but it only takes a little work to get that shimmer back.

That’s also perhaps a part of D/s and one I thought would be a larger influence on my dynamic, if that makes sense? That the process of pushing and pulling, of revealing likes and dislikes would show the smudges and help us work them out to make the relationship a clear surface, but relationships are rarely that simple or straightforward. People are complicated creatures, so the work is never done.

Also, I wonder if the mirror is ever distorted? Do I see a different reflection than others? Or is it that only I see the smudges?

Day 17

When was the last time you made yourself a priority? If you don’t remember the last time, why haven’t you?

Being a mother and wife takes a lot of energy. As a homeschool mom I have to plan lessons, field trips (which is really difficult right now), grade papers and lessons and submit reports. I prepare three meals a day (which is really 6 because I have a picky eater). I have a minimum of 1 load of laundry each day. 3 days a week we change bedding on beds, so that’s a minimum of two on those days. I bake each week, make my own soap (which takes 6 weeks to cure so I must plan it). I garden, have pets, clean, and do the majority of the household chores. There isn’t a lot of time left over at the end of my days.

I do my best to fit in what I need, but it is mostly the minimum. Since D/s is on a hiatus right now, I haven’t even shaved my legs, because what is the point, if it’s only for me (TMI, I know.) If I could ask for one thing right now, it would be some time away. Just a weekend perhaps. Some time to myself to regroup, recoup and perhaps enjoy some time with no pressures. No demands on me or my time.

What time I do have

Most of the time I do spend on myself is spent writing or doing other blog related things. I haven’t had coffee with a friend in months. Haven’t been to a movie or other evert in over two years. I haven’t been on a date with Mister K in 9 months. Do I make myself a priority? Not really.

I have to admit, I may have relied on Mister K to make me a priority so that I didn’t feel like spending time on myself was selfish. His rules and daily demands made it so I had to think about what I was eating that day, or what tasks I had. His guidance kept the pace, and without it, I feel a bit lost.

But there was a time before D/s when I was one who made my plans and decided what was best for me. I have a red-seal ticket in culinary, and a degree in nursing, both of which I did with no counsel from Mister K. Perhaps it will just take some time to get back to that. I have to believe that, because the alternative isn’t an option.

See you on Day 18! And as a reminder- to you as much to myself…

“Big journey’s begin with small steps.”

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Header image originally posted in Never Last Long.