A Life you don’t need a Break From – Self-care Tips

When talking about self-care, most think of hot baths, indulging in an alcoholic beverage, or spending the day on the couch doing a lot of nothing. And those are all great ways to take some time for yourself after a tough day with too many demands. But why do we have so many demands to start with and who’s placing them upon us?

I’m a firm believer that the best way to perform self-care is to create a life you don’t need a break from. Some of you are nodding, others are getting ready to voice disputes about why that isn’t a viable option because of… work… kids… parents, etc., etc., etc. All I’m hearing is demands, and again I’ll ask, who’s placing them upon you? And why aren’t we demanding we do the things we love?

While we all have responsibilities and need to make a living, that doesn’t mean we can’t create the life we want. It just means we must be more focused on how we do it. Self-care should not be an afterthought. It should not be a reaction to a tough time. It should be actively planned, written on your calendar, saying something like “ME DAY”. And if it’s not, I’m sorry to say, you are part of the problem. But that means you’re also the solution.

Self-Care and the World of Kink

I’ve mentioned before that I used to teach a class about how to positively support others. Part of that was teaching self-care because you can’t fill others up if you are empty. And it was a great class, I learned as much as I taught. But ultimately, the majority of what I’ve learned about self-care didn’t come from teaching a class, it came from being a member of the kink community.

The kink community understands some things better than the rest of the world. Things like consent, how to be risk aware (and informed), how to communicate effectively, and that respect must be earned. It also taught me that no two humans have the same needs or desires for self-care, so a one size fits all approach doesn’t work.

So, using those lessons, mixed with the positive supports class, here are 5 ways that just may help you create a life you don’t need a break from (from a kinkster who knows the value of living a good life):

Get Rid of the Things Holding you Back

If it doesn’t bring you income, inspiration, or orgasms, it doesn’t belong in your life. I’m serious. Those weekend binges. Get rid of them. They do nothing but drain your bank account and fill your liver full of toxins. Clutter impeding your ability to concentrate, get things done and limiting your free time? Yep, that can go too.

When I say get rid of anything that doesn’t improve your life, I mean everything. Even that relationship that isn’t fulfilling your needs or desires. Especially that. You’re being held back because you’re concentrating on everything but you. Put the focus back where it belongs, and you’ll quickly see that nothing can stop you from achieving your dreams.

Cut Toxic People Out

Make relationships a priority, but only those that bring you income, inspiration, or orgasms (we covered this, yes?). All those other ones are not helping you, and are likely toxic, so cut them from your life.

Yes, family too. Especially family. There’s this long-standing belief that family is forever. But it doesn’t have to be. We should base those relationships we consider family on connection, not blood. No healthy relationship is one-sided, so if you invest time into someone who never, or rarely, gives back, cut them out. Family knows how to get you to do what they want better than anyone else, even your boss…

The kink world is all about vetting, and therefore, we weed out undesirables fairly quickly. Why aren’t we doing that in other parts of our lives too? While doing yourself the biggest favor you can imagine, you’re finding a solution to your self-care needs as well, and that can only have positive effects.

Learn to Set Boundaries

If you’re a giver, learn to set boundaries, because takers don’t have any.

I don’t know who wrote this quote originally, but they were 100% correct. Takers know how to do one thing, take, and they know how to do it well. If you don’t set boundaries, you’re telling them it’s okay to take everything they ask for. But it’s not okay, just ask your mental health.

While you’re at it, learn to set boundaries for yourself too. All things are good in moderation, but you need to decide where the line of overindulgence is, whether it’s food, sex, or time in the sun.

Boundaries are some of the first things we discuss when navigating the kink community, and once boundaries are set, they are considered law. The only way they change is by thorough discussion. There’s a whole lot to be said for that.

Create a NO list

What is it? A list of all the things you should or would like to say no to. Can Susie’s little friend who wets the bed have a sleep-over? No. No offense to Susie. Maybe the answer will change next week when you have more energy, time, or the desire to wash an extra set of sheets (like that’s gonna happen). But today, you do not have the mental, physical, or emotional capacity to deal with it. And that’s okay. No is a boundary, not an obstacle to overcome.

But include not only things you don’t like to do. Make sure you incorporate emotions, energies and most importantly, situations that drain you.  

In the kink world, No lists are called limits, and again they are treated like law. They aren’t pushed against or manipulated so that others can overcome them. Limits tell others what we are and aren’t willing to do. Sometimes we need the list for ourselves too.

Stop Existing; Start Living

The difference between living and existing is in the happiness we find in our lives. So, find things that make you happy – every day. Make your “job” your work. And I don’t mean your actual career, I mean make your life’s work, the thing you’re passionate about, make it the thing you’re working towards. The career you have should be a side show, not the main event.

Celebrate your season. Yes, we age. Celebrate grey hair and wrinkles (not everyone gets the opportunity). Yes, we have responsibilities. Celebrate the bottom of the laundry pile, and clean floors (because we know it’s short lived). Yes, we have events take place that limit our happiness today, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t celebrate anyway. Make those things worth doing so that they don’t feel like demands!

The Takeaway

If the kink community has taught me anything, it’s that when you are living a life that’s genuine and authentic, you’re less likely to be unhappy. Be true to you and your desires. Be real, open, and honest and overall, courageous enough to take that chance at happiness.

Having a well thought out self-care routine will not only improve your relationship with yourself, but it will also make your relationships with others better too. You’ll find you have an improved mood, reduced anxiety, and more energy. And with an abundance of that combined with fewer demands, you’ll notice you need less day-to-day self-care. Simply because you’re living a life you don’t need a break from. And that, is a great way to live.

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