Days 25-28 of Submission 365 are daily prompts from The Submissive Guide’s book: 365 Days of Submission- A Journal of submissive self-discovery. All rights to the book belong to Luna Carruthers. Questions answered on this site are part of a personal project and holds no monetary value. Lifeofakinkywife.com is not affiliated with submissiveguide.com
I’m getting the hang of this daily journal things. Only 4 days this go around. These questions were all really great for getting me to think about how I deal with things and what skills I use and which I don’t. They also made me think about how I deal with my submissive emotions and the role pain plays in a submissives life.
Day 25
What special training would you like to have? How would it benefit you?
When I look back at all the jobs I’ve had and the education I’ve obtained, it seems I have always been training for a life of service. Waitressing, bar tending, and red-seal chef. I have taken nursing, rehabilitation and worked in community services. Managed offices and worked in public relations. Built a website (three, really) and homeschooled my children. That has given me a lot of unique skills and training for all parts of my life.
In a relationship and dynamic though, I wish I had some therapist training. I think it would give me the ability to understand Mister K from a different perspective, instead of as his wife/sub (which I try to do now, but I’m not always successful at turning off my emotions). It would also give me the ability to really dig deep and figure out why I react the way I do to certain things, and perhaps inspire ways to use the knowledge I gain to my benefit, instead of allowing it to sit and fester before I find a way to deal with it.
That would especially help me with the next question.
Day 26
What do you do when your Dominant hurts your feelings?
I read this article today about maps that they did not show you in school and one of those maps was countries that had their feelings easily hurt. And would you imagine that? Canada is almost at the top of the list (The U.S. was in top place…). So, I guess I am not the only one.
But I can’t say my feeling are always easily hurt, especially by people I don’t know or don’t have a lot of respect for. They’re just easily hurt by my Dom/husband. Why? Because his opinion is the one that matters most to me. If he’s unhappy, I’m unhappy and we all know how I feel about unhappiness.
So how do I deal with it? Sometimes I cry, even when I don’t mean to. Sometimes I get mad, and then I walk away. I know the topic will come up again, either purposefully or when we least expect it. In my experience, it’s easier to deal with the fallout of a situation if you approach it head on, but only after the anger has passed.
Often, I’ll ask Mister K to clarify, because I’ve learned that he doesn’t always mean the words he says, or at least not in the way they come across. Perhaps we’ll argue it out, or maybe we’ll solve it in the bedroom. But we never, ever go to bed angry or upset, even if it means staying up all night to hash it out.
Mister K will often choose not to talk about something for a few days and up to a week, so I receive a lot of time to think about why my feeling were hurt. Sometimes it helps me to explain to Mister K and others, I realise it was a silly thing to be upset about. But we always try to discuss things. And if, after a time apart, we still find it becomes heated. We wait a bit more. Once or twice, we’ve had to agree to disagree. Compromise is likely the secret to all good relationships.
Day 27
Make a List of the best BDSM or D/s related books you’ve ever read?
I have read A LOT of books that contain BDSM and D/s. I’ll admit that most are fictional, but I have read an extensive list of Non-fiction and instructional books as well. Off the top of my head, these are the ones that stick out most. I’ll even tell you why, although nobody asked.
Non-Fiction
Diary of a Submissive: A True Story- Sophie Morgan
This is the story of Sophie and how she accidentally stumbled upon the life of BDSM and D/s. She is honest, insightful, and often humorous in this autobiography. I love most that Sophie did not go searching for BDSM. It simply evolved to become a part of her life.
BDSM Basics for Submissive’s- Michelle Fegatofi (Michelle has a website about BDSM as well)
Michelle does a great job of explaining the basics to new submissives. As a submissive herself, she understands that life sometimes makes it hard to surrender and gives tips on how to overcome those moments. I really appreciate that a submissive wrote it for submissives and speaks of things that newbies may not understand, such as dealing with your emotions and the mental stresses of surrender.
Forget the Roses, Give me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism – Phillip Miller
This was the first book I read about BDSM after a friend recommended it. I now recommend it to anyone who’ll listen. Written in a lighthearted, fun way, it shows that BDSM is fun, and that’s why we do it. It’s fun, that’s why. This book really resonated with me because it starts with that feeling of not fitting in that so many in the BDSM world feel before they discover their true desires.
Fiction
Brie’s Submission – Box set (up to 19 books, I believe)- Red Phoenix
This series follows Brie, a curious young woman who isn’t aware she’s submissive until it becomes blatantly obvious. Given a chance to go to submissive training school, she quickly becomes the top of the class, and beguiles everyone she meets. Although fiction, this book gives a realistic view into what D/s relationships entail, the lengths that submissives will go through to please their D-types and how letting go of your inhibitions can great the space for your greatest desires.
The Perfect Submissive Trilogy – Kay Jaybee
The perfect submissive is also a about a young woman who gets a submissive education, but this time it’s at the hands of an executive floor in a hotel, where her boss, Mrs. Peters, pushes her harder than ever before. Again, while fictional, this trilogy explores the thought process of a submissive in training (or one of many anyway) and draws a picture of what defines it. Plus, it’s sexy as hell!
Day 28
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” -Haruki Murakami, What I talk about when I talk about running
I think it’s interesting that this quote is originally about long distance running, because when I used to run, I felt this way. And I can no longer run because my body can’t take it. Actually, I guess it could, but why make my body do something that causes it so much pain?
And there’s the answer, isn’t it? Don’t do things that prolong your pain. It seems simple, but really, it’s not.
With submission, I think pain is presented in different ways. A good dynamic will force you out of your comfort zone and a lot of time is spent waiting. Waiting for instruction, results, discipline, punishment, and rewards. It teaches the rushed to have patience and the joys of delayed gratification. It also can show you that consequences are sometimes immediate, and others have longer lasting effects. And mostly, it teaches us that true discipline comes from within (although it often needs some guidance).
Then there is the actual pain part of submission (if that is your thing). Bondage, spanking, and the like. And while all these things may cause pain-at the time or following, mentally or physically- we usually embrace it and use it to show our strength. This pain does not cause suffering (at least long term), because we revel in it and wear our whip marks like badges of honor.
And when physical pain is used for punishment, it gives us a physical feeling to match the mental turmoil we feel when we are told we have failed the one (s) we serve. Because we can manifest the pain into something tangible, we don’t suffer for it by allowing it to weigh us down.
Well, that certainly got more philosophical than I thought it would. But I guess that’s the point.
Until next time!
A real Dominant doesn’t love the most beautiful submissive in the world, they love the submissive that can make their life most beautiful.
unknowm
Header image for Days 25-28 originally posted in Ropes not Roses
There is a lot of philosophy today. But it’s not bad, it makes us think.
“Mister K will often choose not to talk about something for a few days and up to a week, so I receive a lot of time to think about why my feeling were hurt. Sometimes it helps me to explain to Mister K and others, I realise it was a silly thing to be upset about. But we always try to discuss things. And if, after a time apart, we still find it becomes heated. We wait a bit more. Once or twice, we’ve had to agree to disagree. Compromise is likely the secret to all good relationships.”
I feel like this is more common than you think. I’m still learning to give time when things are heated to let feeling process. There’s a lot of wisdom in that, I feel.
I am with you… if there is one training I would like to do, it’s therapist training. Actually something I have seriously considered, and not so long ago either.
~ Marie xox