Giving through Love Languages

Mister K and I weren’t always the happy couple we are today. I would like to credit our newly found happiness solely on forming a D/s dynamic, but that would be untrue. The turn of the tide, as they say, happened after I read a certain book, and feeling sure I was on to something life-changing, shared it with him. If I hadn’t, I can almost guarantee that we would not have developed a D/s dynamic. More than likely, we wouldn’t even be a couple.

The book was The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and it teaches of how people show love, and how they feel they are shown love. The language we use may not be the same as the one we need to be shown. And some of us even have more than one. The nice thing about learning another’s love language is you just need to pay attention. It’s as simple as that.

If you do, their language will become abundantly clear.

After taking the time to complete Mr. Chapman’s quiz, we learned that we had been using the wrong languages. We were using the language we thought the other needed, and sometimes, our own. While I show love with words of affirmation (I am a writer) or gifts, Mister K received it through acts of service. And while Mister K thought gifts and acts of service would make me swoon, I really wanted quality time and physical touch. You can see how we may not have been moving in the right direction.

When we started consciously working towards appropriately showing love, the improvement in our relationship was almost immediate. I took notice when he did something for the sake of speaking to my language and he appreciated my acts of service even more. The change wasn’t totally to do with learning each other’s language though, some of it came with the act of selfless giving. We had learned to put our desires and needs aside to make sure the other was getting what they needed.

Can there be an act any more giving than that?

Anyone in a D/s dynamic will tell you that it takes a very fine balance of give and take to create the desired outcome. Like all relationships, nothing is one-sided. Some days you may be a giver, but others you will be a taker. The secret is knowing when to be which. Giving is what makes the bond in a power exchange strengthen over time, and for me, what makes the dynamic worth having.

When the balance is broken, or not discussed for too long is where we find issues. There are so many intricate parts in a D/s dynamic, that neglecting even one can cause it all to come tumbling down. Building it back up is possible but takes time. For my dynamic,

I’ve found it best to conscientiously work at it each day.

As a submissive and wife, knowing how Mister K likes to be shown love has been beneficial. It gave me a starting point to learn what would work, and what to avoid. As a bonus, acts of service feed my submissive need to be a giver. I feel like I am completing something greater than myself. Knowing this, I have found that giving outside my dynamic feeds that part of me as well. While it is not submission in the same way, it feels close to it. I get great satisfaction in volunteer work, being helpful and supporting others. I rarely ask for anything in return. My reward is the deed itself.

Mister K is also a giving person but sees the goal and outcome differently. When I give to him, it’s an act of service, a form of submission and I get gratification in and from it. When Mister K gives to me, he understands that with giving comes a reward; a happy submissive. My being happy can only lead to a greater desire to give via acts of service.

Outside of us, he’s very much the same. But I can honestly say it has been a benefit because although he has a tit for tat mindset, he will also be the instigator of giving, knowing it will harvest a reward. Most times it does.

It may seem that Mister K is a taker.

In reality, he’s more of a matchmaker. He has the belief that if he does something for me, I in return will do something for him. And I’d have to say, he’s not wrong, but a part of me would be willing to give everything, simply for his happiness. This may appear to be an unhealthy attitude about giving, but Mister K will not let me give more than I can and knows when he needs to give back. This is how our power exchange works in real-time. Again, it’s all about balance.

While our love languages may be different now that we are in a dynamic, the results of using the appropriate language have not been any less beneficial. With the increase in communication and desire for the other’s happiness, it’s really only made it better. We’ve learned to give our love in a way that benefits each other, and our dynamic.

Having a basic building block such as this was the start to a very solid foundation.

For us, it took a book to help us realise that there needs to be give and take. Yet, it still took a year or more after this for me to decide we were in a place that I could discuss D/s and BDSM with Mister K. That conversation tested our new-found ability to speak the other’s love languages, but we were able to push through. By adding the fundamentals of BSDM, such as communication and respect, we developed trust and ultimately were able to create something we’re both quite proud of.

I don’t expect something as simple as reading a book to improve everyone’s relationship. Admittedly, it took a conscious effort to apply what we had learned with any consistency. It has been more than worth the work though, and I wouldn’t change the journey, even with all its bumps.

If you’d like to learn more about the love languages, here’s a summary.

The 5 Love Languages, as described by Gary Chapman are:

Words of affirmation

These are words that uplift and support another in a positive way. It may be something as small as a whispered “good girl” or ensuring an “I love you” each night.

Quality time

This is date nights, walks, and aftercare. It can be small amounts of time, or larger ones, as long as it’s focused on the other person. This is undivided attention and active listening.

Giving/Receiving gifts

This is self-explanatory, although what constitutes a gift may differ from person to person. Knowing what is considered a “gift” helps greatly here. It could be quality time spent during a hectic schedule or an act of service. Not all gifts come from a store.

Acts of Service

Act of service also sounds obvious, although doing something without it being needed may not have the desired outcome. Service can be sexual or not, but the goal is to perform a service that will make the receiver’s life easier. It could be a sexual release (also quality time and physical touch) or picking up dry cleaning.

Physical Touch

This can be a massage, a caning, or even a simple hug. Consent is key to physical touch though. No one wants it forced on them.

To read more about The Love Languages and Gary Chapman, click here.

To see who else is discussing giving in a D/s context, click on the badge.

For more post with a D/s theme, see Let’s talk About.

cover image by Shutter2U and found on Canva.com

This post is not sponsored by Gary Chapman or The 5 Love Languages and has no affiliation with such.