cw: This post briefly speaks of childhood sexual abuse
A new year has come. With it comes reflection for most, resolutions for others and the opportunity for 365 new experiences for all.
♪ I wish someone would have told me babe, that someday these would be the good old days. ‘Cause someday soon your whole life’s gonna change, and you’ll miss the magic of these good old days ♪ Good Old Days – Macklemore feat. Keisha
I’ll miss the pace of 2020. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t miss the lock downs, the panic buying or the negative emotions that have been fed to us upon a silver spoon. I especially won’t miss the risk to everyone’s health. But I will miss the quiet, having the time to spend on things that seemed trivial and the slower pace of life in general. It was a nice change to have a moment to smell the roses and not feel like I was rushed.
I know many felt nothing but loneliness and bitterness this past year, but I read this quote recently and it really resonated with me.
You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that is loneliness or freedom.
For me, 2020 was freedom. I don’t much care for expectations placed on me by others. Or having the feeling like in order to have meaningful relationships, I need to physically invest time in those people, weekly, monthly, etc. It seems a lot like a forced partnership. 2020 allowed me a new way to stay in touch, in my introverted way.
Mostly, I don’t care for the hustle and bustle of being a part of society. It was nice to focus on family, my dynamic and the million little things I wanted to complete. While most of us are still grieving the past year, I grieve for a different reason. I know that one day, I will look back and realise, these were some of the “good old days”.
♪ From down this road, it’s only on we go, on we go
Everyone here is ready to go
It’s been a hard year and I only know
From down this low, it’s only up we go, up we go ♪ Up we Go – Lights
I resolved to not make resolutions years ago. That seems to be the only one I’ve stuck to. That’s okay though. I’ve learned that in order to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday, the change needs to start today. No point talking about it, if you’re never going to do it. With that being said, there are a few things I would like to complete this year. But if I don’t, the world isn’t going to end.
The first is my book. I’ve already been writing it for far too long and made too many excuses as to why it’s not complete. That needs to stop. While it’s harder to write thousands of words on the same piece each day than the shorter posts of a blog, the benefits will outweigh the tribulations, and so there isn’t really a downside. Being a published book author has been a dream since I was a young girl, and as they say, there’s no time like the present.
I started a medium account and have not contributed to it, even once. Another place to get my words out there, and maybe make a few bucks along the way. The money has never been important though. I write because it brings me happiness, and truly, that is enough.
I also hope to do some DIY stuff for my blog. Mostly kinky crafts and other pervertibles. There seems to be an increase in demand for homemade toys and implements and making things from scratch or from items not thought of before is a bit of a specialty of mine and Mister K’s. You’ll never find a couple more focused on the 3 r’s; reduce, reuse, and recycle.
No matter what happens this year, for most of us, it will be a far better adventure than the last. From how low we’ve all become, we can only go up from here.
♪ Close the door, take it off for me, take it off for me. Compulsive indulgence, you’ll always be my white rabbit, my favorite bad habit ♪ Bad Habit – Delaney Jane
I don’t really have bad habits. I mean I used to, but have already given them up. There is a weird ritual of sorts though, that does often impact my everyday life. Since adolescence I’ve made a habit of changing my pantie’s multiple times per day.
It happens once in the morning when I wake up, again after I work out (that one’s a given), before Mister K gets home, and again before bed. If I was to have sex throughout the day, there would be another change in there as well. And if I go swimming or to a public area where changing is required, I always pack an extra pair. It’s actually to the point where I keep a pair in my purse “just in case”.
It’s been brought to my attention that it may be a form of OCD, and I think that may be accurate. It also seems to be a trigger response to childhood sexual abuse. I’m using it as a coping mechanism and a way to control the feeling of being “dirty” that the abuse layered on me for many years. Just when I thought I had dealt with those past experiences; I realised that maybe it’s not so settled after all.
There’s no plan to do anything about it though. I like having a clean cunt, so sue me! Maybe not dealing with these things is my bad habit? Meh, I can’t say that I care.
♪ Speak louder than the words before you
And give them meaning no one else has found
The role we play is so important
We are the voices of the underground ♪ This is the New Year – The Great Big World
Mister K has started a new verbal act of dominance where he asks me who I am. The correct response is, “I am a slut”. But it’s so hard. I know I’m a slut (or his anyway) and it shouldn’t bother me to say so. I don’t think anyone should feel shame for being a sexual being who has desires and needs, with one or many. But because it has been used so derogatorily towards me in the past, I’m having a difficult time with it. Mister K’s goal is to have me be accepting of my ways, my submission and my desires but it feeds my feelings of being dirty, and encourages my panty changing habits.
I’m trying to go along with it though, for a few reasons. The first and most important to me is because Mister K requested it. I aim to please him and for that reason, saying a few simple (or not so simple) words is a small price to pay. His happiness does fuel me in a way that most things don’t.
But also because if we claim the words used against us for ourselves, we’re given the chance to take back the power it has over us. It’s a work in progress, I’ll let you all know how it goes. My aim is to speak louder than the words before me. I think it’ll just take time.
♪ If you could only read my mind
You would know that I’ve been waiting, So long
For someone almost just like you
But with attitude, I’m waiting
So come on, I want you
In a vinyl suit
I want you bad
Complicated, X-Rated ♪ Want you bad – The Offspring
It has recently come up that while Mister K is fine with kinky sex as the sole form of BDSM in our dynamic, I need more of conscientiously dominant and sadistic side from him. Sexually, I’ve gotten to a point where without D/s and active sadism, it doesn’t do a whole lot for me anymore. I need pain or to know that he is in complete control to enjoy it. Afternoon quickies have lost their appeal, and that makes me very very sad. The most frustrating part is that the closer we get to our set goal line in D/s, the farther away it seems to move. I want him to step away from the nice guy (that he truly is) and be more sadistic, assertive and dominant.
This will be a huge step for him as he’s not naturally a Dominant. Neither of us have discussed what it will mean if he decides he can’t give into these desires of mine. I guess it’ll come up again in a few months. Until then, we’ll take it day by day.
As it’s January, Mister K and I do our quarterly contract review. Reading what we have in place, it was brought to my attention that I become very emotional when I’m disconnected from my submission. My craving and need for dominance comes out in ways that aren’t very healthy, like long bouts of crying or hiding myself away. Discussing this, I told Mister K that it comes down to consistency. His and mine. But of the two of us, we both know that I am the more consistent one. He understands this and is trying to work towards being more assertive with me. The power that I hold over the household and being a homeschool mom among other things, weighs heavily on me at times. When it becomes too much and he doesn’t take the reins, I self-destruct. I guess I’m a bit complicated, in a x-rated sort of way.
♪ So raise your glass if you are wrong
In all the right ways, all my underdogs
We will never be, never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks ♪ Raise your Glass – Pink
In the new year I hope for continued kink events (although it’s looking like late 2021 before that happens), more time being nude (as per a fellow blogger’s advice) and as much kinky shenanigans as I can get. Outside of that, my hope is that most things remain the same. I kind of like who I am and how far I’ve come. And I’ll remain wrong, in all the right ways.
So raise your glass and cheers to 365 (359 as of today) new adventures!
To see who else is bringing in the New Year with a song and cheers (or not), setting goals or reminiscing mindful moments, click on the badges.
For more posts like these, see A Year in Review or Here’s to 2021.
There is so much here and I love that you were able to include my little meme in the fabulous lineup. The part where you talked about taking back those words that once took something from you really resonated for me. There are still a couple of words that I haven’t been able to do that with…yet. You’ve given me a lot to think about though.
Your meme was the priority of that post. I actually found the music first and wrote around that 😉
I’m so happy to hear that people get something out of my chaos. Lol
Words are funny things, giving and taking like they’re corporeal and not just fleeting noises pressed together. I hope you get back what was taken from you 🙂
There is so much in this post and well done linking to so many memes. I wondered if you could start with answering “I am your slut” because that may be easier and nearer the truth. Possible this is already some thing you do/have done and so it wouldn’t meet the purpose set but I wondered if it might meet what both of you hope to get from it. I can understand the need to be clean and I would always have a bath before bed or before play etc. The psychology of the changing of your knickers is really interesting though and I can see why that might come from past experiences. We sleep naked at night as that has always been one of our rituals to promote closeness so although I would change them at other times, no need for a pair at night. I also agree with what you say about the pace of life in 2020. I preferred the focus on what was around me too although I don’t feel I achieved a lot. I am happy about the community spirit and the focus on supporting others that I have seen in some areas of my life though. I feel like priorities have been more in line with my own so less pressure to fit in somehow. Thanks for this post. Food for though. Missy x
I like the idea of including “your”. I think that maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head with why I can’t get over it.
I have an issue with being nude in bed too. Lol. Another thought for another post. Haha
You probably achieved more than you think. Sometimes if we don’t have a list to remind us we forget about miniscule things. They may be small, but they are equally important (IMO).
I liked the quotes you used, particularly the Maclemore one and the one asking whether quiet = loneliness or freedom. I found them very apt and thought provoking. I enjoyed this post.
I wonder if you should start by describing yourself as something other than slut, but which embraces your kinky desires and needs – Kinkster or horny little minx, and then when you have got comfortable saying that, move onto the word of ‘slut’ which you say has negative connotations for you but you (rightly) need to claim back.
I wish you well in getting the balance of domination you want and your man is comfortable to give. I have to settle for fantasy domination, or be dominant myself! But I have fun with that!
There’s some good advice in your suggestion of using a different name first and working up from there. Some good thinking material 🙂
Fantasy domination sounds kind of sexy, I can’t lie. Lol
“it was brought to my attention that I become very emotional when I’m disconnected from my submission.”
I completely relate to this. I’ve had an extended rest due to illness and Christmas and, and, and… but for us, as a long distance relationship, the tasks help centre me in my submission. Following what I know he likes helps, but without his direct input my headspace is different and I find it emotionally challenging. The perceived disconnection can feel like heart ache.
Thank you for linking up to Mindful Moments. Great post. N x
The direct input is really the driving force for most bottoms I’d say. Without it, it feels like an aimless afternoon country drive. The drive is nice, the sun warms your skin, but you drive in circles, completely lost….
I hope you find your reconnection 🙂
Changing panties is not a big deal and it should not bother you… Unless is does… But, I know guys who do this (not panties) or shower 3-4 times a day. If it’s not hurting anyone, it should matter. I will second not wearing panties, Samantha rarely does. Not even to work out. She tried it a few years ago because I told her to and she never looked back. Now only occasionally she will wear them. Great post.
The natural Dom thing is tough for a lot of men. For many it’s hard to do or say things that you yourself would not like done to you. Once you wrap your head around the fact that it’s consensual it gets easier. We do a bit of it, but not to large extent. More situational rather than 24/7ish. That fits our dynamic better, but we are all definitely different in what we desire. We all like what we like and have to do our best to fulfill those desires.
So true about Doms not treating others in a way they wouldn’t want to be treated. I really should thank his parents for instilling great morals in him. We’ll see how it goes 🙂
As for panties, we’ll also see. lol
What a post… there is so much I want to react too. First of all… wow, 6 memes! Go you!
You made me realize that 2020 was right up my alley too, as I definitely didn’t miss the interaction with colleagues, and found it more than sufficient to ‘speak’ to them through the computer, instead of having to socialize in the office when all I want to do is concentrate on my work. I prefer working from home actually, that part became very clear.
Your panty changing… if it doesn’t hurt anyone, or doesn’t make you feel negative, just keep on doing it. Even if it’s OCD 😉
You also made me remember about my own emotional outburst when our D/s slipped, or my husband wasn’t consistent in some things. It felt like I had lost something, like I wasn’t complete, and that made me sad to the point of tears. Because of Master T’s health in the past four years, I came to the point where I just accepted it as it was, and it helped with the emotional outbursts. Yes, I want it to be more intense again, and I want him to be more consistent, but I think I can handle it better now than I could before, if that makes sense?
Cheers to all the adventures this year!
~ Marie xox
I think I also need to come to terms with Mister K not being a natural dominant but it’s difficult, most if the time. I think you nailed it by stating “it felt like I was missing something, like I wasn’t complete. I think that’s it exactly!
Mrs K – I have so much to say about this post – so sorry if it seems like a list lol First 6 memes – u beat me(5).
I would not rush to the conclusion that this year will be any different to last – here in the UK I expect us to remain in some kind of lockdown or other until the late spring. And I too hated the “negative emotions” we were fed – I may add many had their mouth open ready for it to be poured in.
The silence in the armchair – to me that is freedom.
I was talking with my man about you and your comment on my sniffing knickers post. My reply 2 u about OCD – Well I can understand how that would be linked with childhood experiences – I too became madly compulsive about cleaning and all kinds of weird stuff when I was a kid due to similar reasons that u have identified. I think it is a good step that u have put these things together. I also feel that the issues may never be settled but we can get so far along the road to not letting them affect our behaviour too much.
Sending all good wishes for 2021
May xx
I can’t take all the credit for 6 memes. All the prompts made it easy to incorporate and I do have an ulterior motive. Lol, but thank you.
I agree about 2021 being much like 2020 in regards to lockdown etc, but I’ll take another year of freedom. 🙂
As for the OCD, I must thank you for pointing it out and with that forcing me to think about and identify where it originates. I thinks it’s as settled as it will ever be. The difference now if that I’m aware of it and that’s a huge step. Onwards and upwards.
Happy New Year!
I’m sorry you were abused when you were young. I don’t actually understand the mentality of the people who do that. But the pain and suffering they cause is real.
As to your panties—why not stop wearing them? lol. At least for most things. You may want them when you work out, but otherwise are they really needed?
Happy New Year! Every year brings new adventures and has both good and bad. May this year be mostly good!
I’ll have to have a think on this and get back to you 🙂